Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Many little quesitons

Over the past many months
I have been asked a variety of small
interesting questions

so here goes

Dear Evolved Moms:

Q: How old are you?
A: 38

Q: your funny, ever thought of stand up?
A: I think sit-down comedy works best for me

Q: what makes you the gay parenting advice expert of the world?
A: wow! Thanks, I didn't know I was an expert.
Look, I listen, I live, I write. I do the best I can and I am happy folks listen
this works for me
if you don't agree
I am sure other "experts exist"

Q: do your kids know their birth parents
A: Our kids each have a story that is their to share as they live and grow
we have told them their stories. And share with them more and more as they grow and ask.
one day, they might choose to share it with the world
or maybe not
but I feel it's theirs to share

Q: Do you think Pride day is a place for kids?
A : I think kids live in this world and have pride for their families
I think some events do it better, and safer than others
We bring ours to some
some only for certain parts
and some not at all
I think there is power and education in it if it is done safety

Q: How many tattoos do you have
A: 2 but I have plans for a third

Q: How would you describe yourself
A: Hmmm. Silly, poetic, loyal, mama, woman, dyke

Q: Is it true you used to be a hairdresser?
A: Curious how you know that... Yup. For 10 years. Helped with the bills during law school. Yup Lawyer for another 10. Now this and our clothing and promotional company. I wonder what will be next?

Q: Do you vote? If so, for whom?
A: Hell yes I vote. In the end I will choose the the democratic nominee. But I hope for Hillary.

Q How is your partner doing?
A: Great! Thanks for asking.

Q: Do you sing in the shower
A: Always, and really everywhere. Quite embarrassing for the little ones at times!

Q: Do you own a skirt
A: What do you think?

Q: If you could be any animal what would it be?
A: Human (preferably female)

Thanks for the small questions. They were fun. Keep em coming.

Evolved Mom Stacey

Monday, January 28, 2008

What is a woman? Advice

Dear EM: I found out this week that I cannot conceive. So weird. I am 31, a lesbian, partnered and I always thought, someday, I would find the girl of my dreams and have a family. And now all I feel is that I am less than a woman. Maybe not a woman. I never thought of this possibility. Not sure I have a Q for you. ...Depressed

Dear Depressed: So many of us out there
have been though this
in one form or another
I tried for two years
fertility drugs
I put my body though every test
to try and determine
what was wrong
with me
so much stress and time and money
did I mention stress?
I went for IVF once
and that was the line for us
why risk my health
my body
for a baby??
That was when I realized
having a baby
would never define me
or make me less
or more
or different

There are many ways to make a family
looks like you are on the right road
the right girl
won't care if the baby comes out of you
or her
or another
only that you will love and cherish forever

one day
years after our fertility process was done
I was joking around
with my wife
about having cramps
why the hell
should I get them if I am barren?
she looked at me shocked
so worried I was upset
but I was cracking up
it was all so silly
after time
and mourning
and healing
there was life
for us
it came from another
a birth mom
and 3 years later
from my wife

I am no less a woman
because I did not carry
I feed
and nurture
and changed poopy diapers

I am the Barrenness
my superhero name
I am powerful
I am woman
you are powerful
you are woman
nothing can stop us

when life moves
and time passes
and you can zoom out
you will see
being a woman
is what you have always been
and will always be

and you are lovely

EM - Stacey

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Sunday, January 27, 2008

Parenting stress - advice

Dear Evolved Moms:
Why is parenting so damn stressful sometimes? Lucia (2 moms of 2)

Parenting sucks because the kids make us act like grownups. They make us sound like our parents and set limits and do big boring grown up things. They make us nag and bitch and complain. And we are way too cool and fun and hip and young to be a nag or seen as old.

So Lucia, parenting can suck.

But the bottom line is that all of those limits
and talks
and time
and the grumpies we deal with
and the time we take
is love
and giving that unconditional love
is the single most important part of changing their lives and really changing the world.
The hard moments will come
the sweet moments are sweeter
when we work hard
and love hard
take time for yourself
and if you have time
read anything by Anthony E. Wolf
it will help
and remember
you are not your mom
you are way cooler
you nag less
you are way more fun
and your kids think you are awesome
if they didn't
love and trust you
they wouldn't give you so much shit!

All the best,

Evolved Mom Stacey

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Son of a dyke

A new semester has begun
in Ballet
The director tells me
Zion will be moved up
to Modern II
and a try in Ballet II
although he is young, she says
I am proud and so excited
although my lesbian self
can't full wrap itself around the draw of it all
I can feel his excitement welling
his pride
he has worked so hard
at 7 he is more focused
than I will ever be
I wait until we are in car
I have news love...
He holds his breath
screams in bliss
"open the door mama
I need air"
My son
the athlete
my son the intense
in this arena
he sees no limits
and his confidence soars
"soon I might be Fritz in the Nutcracker!"
soon my love
At school he worries so much about fitting in
plays rough with the boys
shows off for laughs
chats during class
wants to wear certain things
won't wear others
African American
son of two white lesbian moms
who loves ballet
and yet

it is the differences
the two moms
the ballet
the race conversations
where he shines
he excels
he is bold
he has no fear
nice to know
in those moments
we are doing
a good job
he feels so safe

and off
to ballet we go

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Bubbled wrapped kids - advice

Dear Evolved Moms: My 5 year old son is not yet able to stay dry at night and I am BESIDE MYSELF! I am worried he will get teased at sleepovers, I am worried that he will feel bad about himself, I am worried that his self esteem will crumble as we seems to argue about it constantly! My mother says he's old enough to be dry. I can't stand this constant stress and bickering about pull ups and peeing at midnight. What can I do? He really doesn't seem to care that he's we 90% of the time. Mom who's sick of pull ups.

Whoa the sick of pull ups mom:
I think it's time to breath a bit
First of all your baby boy
and I did say baby
is only 5
many many many kids -
especially boys
are not dry by 5, 6, 7 even 9
and is he even old enough for sleep overs?

But I don't think that is the issue here

You cannot protect your child from everything
in fact
if you try
how will they ever relate in the world
with stress
and peers
and choices?
We want to keep them loved and safe - but not emotional invalids
or total stress cases

What I also hear
and I am sorry to be so blunt
is YOUR embarrassment with this issue
you want him dry
your mom thinks it's time
and you have put the pressure on

So I would like to give you a bit of perspective
being dry or wet a 5
is not a crisis to loose sleep over
and actually being dry 10% of the time should be celebrated in a kid struggling with is!

just to name a few reality checks to stress over for you

lets go smaller
a ten year old who cannot read
gay families in Florida
who cannot adopt
president bush
my wife getting diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis
Heath Ledger

all things to stress about
and then
after we stress and fret
we find
that life and love are and parenting and relationships
come in many beautiful forms
and can include so many things
even if some are lacking

we all go rounds with our kids
but praising the blessings
has far more power then
a constant negative banter
wouldn't you tune it out?

at this point in his life
I would put on the pull up and not check in about for another year at least!

no one goes to college in diapers
but many go with OCD and anxiety disorders...

he will be fine
you will be fine

Evolved Mom Stacey

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Sunday, January 20, 2008

Television for kids of gay and lesbian parents - Advice

Dear Evolved Moms: I am just so sick of our kids watching any TV programming. Even Sesame Street (as inclusive as it is) still does not show ANY representations that even remotely look like our family. I have 2 year old twins, a 4 year old and we are on a waiting list for one more very soon. Any ideas? Dads who are going TV free!

Dear TV free Dads. Wow are you guys busy! Go you! Listen you might not need to fully unplug just yet.

First I should tell you that we are pretty
strict about TV at our place.
No TV during the week
Weekends we are pretty loose about it with a few exceptions
All commercials must be muted
and no violence (so lesbian pacifist - I know)
We have found that Noggin and other PBS shows
definitely are inclusive
of gender, of race, of national origin of ability...
but you are right
even shows who CLEARLY have gay hosts
don't seem to ever include us... hmmmmm.

Until now...
We were fortunate enough to get word of a new show called
Dottie's Magic Pockets
I have to admit I was VERY sceptical
We surround our kids
with books about all kinds of families
have open discussion
Go to family week....
I honestly assumed it was for the education of the
non-diversified and unenlightened

Let me say for the record
Not only was I wrong
But I did not even know
such a need existed in my home

We put the DVD on
and both kids were silent - no small feat!
My four year old started saying things like
"Mama - those caterpillars are two daddies"
Grinning wide with glee
My son - the sage 7 year old
"mama, she just said partner and she has a tattoo! like you!"

Sure it was educational - very in fact
but who cared?
my kids suddenly felt included on a level were I
didn't even now there was a deficit
They wanted it again and again

Run don't walk
and order the video
she is truly wonderful
and parents actually will not get sick
of the sweet songs
and messages

To catch her live
she will be on the next R Family Cruise
in March

It's about time!

So guys
Limit a lot
but the good stuff does exists
and I am sure
we will be seeing a lot more of Dottie!

Evolved Mom - Stacey

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

It's great to be gay! Advice to a rural mom!

Dear Evolved Moms: I live in the middle of the country in the middle on nowhere - really! It's hard here to live, its hard to be gay here. It's super hard to be a gay mom here. Please please please tell me something uplifting about being gay. It's just hard today. And you always make me laugh! Kentucky mama.

Okay Kentucky mama. Here is my best shot.

Top 10 reasons to be a lesbian (and a lesbian mom):

1) Think of what we save on birth control!
2) We can't get pregnant by accident - no unplanned babies for us!
3) When we do wants kids - we have two uterus's to work with
4) We can share clothing with our partner - double the wardrobe.
5) We always get and give empathy for PMS and cramps with our wife!
6) We can always fool around in bathrooms together!
7) We are finally cutting edge - everyones trying it - I guess queer really is the new black!
8) We get to make all of our conservative relatives and neighbors nervous - and make them think of things they really don't want to just by existing (hee hee)
9) The L-Word
10) We might finally have a vagina in the white house - and one who loves us!
okay 11) We get our own parade every year!

Hope that helps!

It really is a wonderful life. find love - find humor - and live

Evolved Mom Stacey

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Monday, January 07, 2008

Infusion of love

My fairy daughter
asked Santa for a puppy
She said she would name him Mike
regardless of gender
She told Santa she needed nothing else
for her birthday was coming soon
She has an unwavering belief
in all things magical
and sparkly
She KNEW she was good
She knew Santa would come
She saw him twice at the mall and wrote a letter with a picture of Mike
And everyday
for 3 months
she told us how she would pick up poop and walk him
and love him
My son, the realist
the cynic
7 year old man
pulled us aside
and begged us to
STOP making him play
this foolhardy game of Santa
"You know I don't believe and I never have"
He did not think a dog would happen
he wanted gifts

Zion believes in science
in action
in what he can prove and disprove himself
He is a Taurus - like me
blessing and a curse
He sees a butterfly
and feels it is beautiful and understands it is alive
and has a life cycle
and tells us about it

Torin thinks they are hatched out of pixie dust
why the need to explain? She just knows

On Christmas morning
my children were dragged out of bed
by me
impatient for the fun to begin
matching jammies and gifts and music
I just love the holiday!
They rounded the corner
and saw the tree
the gifts
and 10 week old Mike

Torin - my fairy - smiled
"I knew he would be here"
she calmly began to pet him

My son
knelt down on the floor
covered his face
and burst into happy tears
in shock and disbelief
not able to wrap his logical brain
around how this dream
had come true
his eyes sparkled
and for a moment
I know
he believed

Happy holidays folks!