Wednesday, July 25, 2007


Life moves in strange ways sometimes

He was my play pen brother
best friend
ever since we were three
inseparable as kids
we played Monopoly
for 8 hours
every Saturday
made up our own rules
wrote them in pen
no one could follow
we loved, we argued we laughed and giggled
played practical jokes and skipped Hebrew school together
we played scientist in his mothers kitchen
he told me his crushes
we went sledding and buried treasure
that is probably still there
under the big tree
across from his boyhood home
pennies and cigarettes in a tin box
our big find and our secrets
when I came out to him he hugged me and laughed
I figured he said
nothing changed
at 18 we went off into the world
separated by life as sometimes happens

He seemed to stay alone
loving animals and photographs more than people
occasionally we would write
a few holidays
but always in my mind
always my brother

My mother called me on Sunday
peter died
allergic reaction to bee stings
so weird
this gentle man
who just loved me
and harmed no one
even after all of the years
years of infrequent contact
I feel like I have lost my twin
Family is what come naturally
Family is what feels like home
Its not blood or lineage
it's time and memory and laughter
an archaeologist
will dig up that tin
and ponder the connection between all of those copper pennies and cigarettes

To you man
the best monopoly player I ever met
May the next life be sweeter
and by the way
while we all sat Shiva
at my mothers house
looking grim and full of prayer
I heard you laughing
cackling really at all of the religion
and seriousness
I know you would have hated it
in your own way I know you were squishing whoopee cushions and singing
I am free
I am free

to you

gonna miss ya

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Friday, July 06, 2007

R Family Vacations 7/7/7

It's that time again
Rosie cruise #5
we are truly blessed
to have a week full of love
full of equality
where borders and lines are never drawn
where all children are wanted
spouses love unconditionally
and children's laughter is the music
boys can wear pink without worry
and magic is real and around every corner

hope to see you all there

happy summer

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white black brown - same same same

I took Zion to an audition
he wants to be famous
so we got him an agent.
we get calls
go for auditions
where he shines.

sometimes I can see the look
other parents
questioning our relationship
approving or damming
unsure and uncomfortable with difference
butchy woman
tall slender beautiful African young man
is this his foster mother?
guardian agent friend?

As I walked into the "green room"
another mom
unusual looking - like Iman
very dark skin
nervous about her surroundings
first audition for her son
She held a baby on her lap
maybe white, maybe Asian
big curls and no teeth
all cheeks

The mom looked at me shyly
she didn't even see us
didn't notice our difference
she said "no one ever thinks she's mine"
in her own world
prepared for judgement
as I always am
"my husband is Asian"
I laughed I smiled
no one ever thinks he's mine either

amazing moment

In the room of coffee and carbs
where the moms wait
she glanced at Z's pictures
she saw an image of my daughter
crazy hair
a knockout

Having black children
I am often given advice
usually unsolicited
from women of color
about my kids hair and skin
I am hyper aware of my duties
it gets my hackles up
it happens often
Like a beacon of bad parenting
or judgement

But in this moment
she asked me
for hair care advice for her daughter
she was nervous to ask
she was at a loss for what to do
a moment in time
amazing for me
amazing for her

white black brown
same same same

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Monday, July 02, 2007

Gay parents and traditonal roles

Dear Evolved Moms: My partner Doug and I are having a baby, a son!!! Our surrogate is five months pregnant and we are so excited. But the closer we get, the more anxiety I am having. What if he wants to play baseball and dig up worms? What if he loves to talk football? I guess I am traditional in they way some gay men are. I love old movies and baking and making our home pretty. I have so much love to give him, but what if he wants or needs someone more butch. Someone who can actually throw a football? Help I am totally freaking out. Love the blog... From sissy dad...

Dear Sissy Dad. Fear not. What you child needs is love
I am not the butchest game in town
but kids in a store ask their parents if I am a boy
I own not one dress
not one pair of heels
no makeup

When our daughter was born
something stirred in me
I called my wife from Toys R US
"honey, I am buying barrettes, should I question my sexuality?"

As my daughter has grown
she is now 4
she has become a fashion expert
Today she needed to find the perfect ensemble of purple and green
even matching undies
to match her dinosaur
she boldly tells us that we are
Not Fancy!
she tells us that our shoes do not match what we are wearing
and that she will ONLY wear dresses
and she loves us more than lie itself

My parents
never understood me
my mother wanted me girly from the first minute
sent me to modeling school to learn to walk like a girl
and bought me dresses - a lot!
that never worked
could never feel good or right or like love

Here is what I know
a child needs unconditional love
When my daughter wants to play dress up - I join her completely
when she wants a manicure, I do my best
messy but cute
we dance, we sing
and I am totally in love
and so is she

and your son will love you
For the first few years, anything you do will amaze him
even throwing a ball, catching a bug, or playing with mud
he will think you are an expert!
As time goes on, you will let him become the expert
and he will love to teach you
no need to worry
all will be well
I promise!

I will let her do my hair (when it's long enough to play with)
I will play dolls and draw butterflies
all to make her smile
You will play football too, if that is what he loves
and over time he will love that he is better than you at it
they need that too.

But kids love 10 million things
My daughter also loves bike riding
and camping
and drag queens and baseball

There is room and time for everything and you will be brilliant at it
because you have love


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