Thursday, June 28, 2007

Is your biological clock ringing? Advice to people who want to know the "right time".

Dear Evolved Moms: When is the best time to have a baby? I've been with my partner for seven years and I'm the female in the relationship. My girlfriend is older than me and wants a child NOW, but she not willing to carry the child for nine months and I'm still in school. (She is eight years older then I) We have a donor already, but I don't know when is the best time. Should I wait until I graduate or should I have my baby before I graduate? I do want to have a child, but not sure when and my partner thinks she is getting old.

My easy answer is this:
There is no such thing as "the right time"

You will never have
at one time
the right house, with the picket fence
and enough money
and enough time
and perfect weight
ideal health care
the perfect job and
the best school system.

If you wait for ALL of those factors
you will probably never have a baby.

That said. A few things are important.
Just because she is unwilling to carry a child, does not mean you HAVE to.
The are many ways to create a family
getting pregnant is only one.
In my case, I tried for 2 years
and never got pregnant
nothing like that is for sure
And I do need to say for the record.
You are BOTH the females in the relationship
the roles you choose are yours to choose
but biology is biology
if she wants a baby so badly that she cannot wait
and does not want to adopt
let her get pregnant!
BOTH of your needs and wants matter
you do it next time when you are done with school.

As I see it age matters little
My wife is 6 years younger and infinitely more mature on most levels

So here are my factors:
1) You must truly be in love and stable
2) Trust your instincts
If you feel that being a mom during school is too hard
then that is extremely important
whether pregnancy or adoption
both are emotionally and in most cases physically taxing
hard to study and throw up at the same time
3) The decision is about 3 people and what is best for ALL of you as a unit
4) If the answer does not come easily, it's probably not time.
5) Taking a leap of faith is okay.
A child is a magical and uncontrollable force. You need to be ready for the roller coaster ride of your life. Beginning the process is just stepping into the seat. If you are ready to be flexible and go for that ride. Then it's time.

I'd love to hear what you decide.

Good luck!


Monday, June 04, 2007

What is a family - Advice

Dear Evolved Moms,

My parents, in no uncertain terms, HATE that I am gay. They refused to attend my wedding and now that we are pregnant, I know will not be involved as grandparents. I hate this. My happy = they are sad and angry. I cannot win. What can I do? From Alone.

Dear Alone. You are not alone. In my life - family is what you create.
This is some of my family. My partner, my son and daughter (neither biologically from me) my best friend since 16, her husband and their son Sky, who is their cousin.

For many years I felt I walked alone
Even when my “family” was there
My parents always seemed to want me different
Tried to change me
Send me away, to get helpinterveneinterfere
But really
It was to make meJust like them
And less like me

When I found happiness and love
Away from them
They were not happy for me
Like you, they did not attend my wedding 13 years ago
In fact, they left the country for a trip
Although not much later,
They were willing to fly to another country, for a friends wedding
- interesting I thought

She is too young for you, said my mother
Once she told a woman – “she will be with a man next”
But truly she was the least of my worries, my father far worse,
on many levels
As time went on and our love grew
We learned to be a family differently from the restBetter I think
Different in that we do not argue or scream
I do not ask her to change
And I love her unconditionally
When our children came
we shared that love and teaching with them
We chose grandparents, aunts and uncles
Godparents and friends
Who also love them unconditionally
And our family of love I feel is now bursting
And amazing

To be fair
My mother
Who I never thought would evolve
Has truly evolved
She is a great grandma
And three years ago
When marriage became legal here she came,
with flowers and asked us to kiss for a picture
She has consistently been there ever since
But so have the scars of the past
And honestly
My father
Is completely unchanged
And darkAnd I have let that struggle goAnd you may too

Sometimes it is not what we lack
It is what we create that fulfills
I do not compare us to other families,
We are different
And stronger I feel

Do I morn the traditional parents?
Of course
Do I hate the past?
Of course
Do I rage?
At timesDo I cry when there are few to help with the kids?Few birthday cards?Few people to visit?SometimesAm I jealous?Occasionally
Do I hate?
Less and less
But would ever trade my happiness
for any false family or half loveNEVER.
Your family is how you love and with whom you love
Focus on the blessings, it sounds like there are many
Allow yourself to morn
be proud
Change for no one
And teach that amazing baby
to love

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