passports - funny moments in gay parenting

We have been hedging
on getting passports done

It stresses me just thinking about it
Gathering all of the adoption info
Birth names
Adoption certificates.
That was so hard to get initially.
So we hedge
Can I really hand over those docs?
I fear what they will ask us
In this small town
Of course,
We have been waiting until the last possible moment
We have a cruise in July – so this is it
No wiggle room
We load up the car
Grumbly children on an errand
The postal worker asks – are both parents present
We both sigh – yup
He kinda looks at us
Dykey moms
Black babies
He goes back to work
I get nervous
Jessie is tense
We fill out all pages
With the eyes and hands of forensic scientists
We will leave no space for error
No room to deny us
Place of birth, date of birth…
Cross every T
We walk up to the counter
Pictures taken
Two older white men behind the counter
With the power
One looks at us
Okay ladies
“Who want to be the father?” He smiles with a small smile
"That would be me" I say
I whisper to Jessie – "Honey I’m a daddy!"
The other man
Just looks at us
And then said
In a very serious voice
“You’d think they could finally figure out a system that works for everyone by now eh, other agencies have"
Have a good trip.
I love people
I love this town
I laugh, we smile
I’m a dad.

father-daughter dance - advice

Dear Evolved Moms: What do we do when the annual father-daughter dance arrives - and there is no dad? Two moms :(

Dear Two concerned Moms.
This is a complicated one.

I would say the best place to start is a place of understanding
and a freaking big deep breath!

Fighting a school is hard
so if you are going to jump in
have your eyes open and be ready to go all the way.

My assumption, unless I am missing some facts in your situation
is that the father daughter dance is a tradition
brimming with good intentions,

Norman Rockwellian moments and yearbook photo ops
no intent to exclude,

no intent to make things harder for you, for us
for anyone different
but unfortunately, like many school events, like most life events
same-sex parented households, gay people, gay students, gay teachers
and yes, unfortunately, children of gay and lesbian parents
are and will be
constructively and automatically

excluded from many of these “traditional moments”
life milestones
at least until the world catches up

90% of the time
the exclusion exists with no intent on the part of the school
but also
with no forethought either (how hard would it have been to assume someone could be excluded really? Or to think ahead of potential impacts – surely they knew you were there? Hmmm)

Sadie Hawkin's dance, kissing booths, prom, sex ed, and yes,
the historic father-daughter dances too, are long standing traditional school events.

the purpose I suppose
- to celebrate the parent-child relationship
and the typical traditional father-daughter relationship

the events are
loved, planned, feverishly waited for
and yes – exclusive
As you know.
School administrators these days are playing a big game of catch up
And at the same time, also playing politics,
please the system,
please the parents,
please the teachers and
don’t step on any toes in the process
In the ever-changing America
The game gets pretty complicated
– I don’t envy the principals of today – but I also think they are often pretty wimpy where it counts and maybe it’s time they start hearing about it a bit, eh?

Certainly most are not spending their time
sitting around debating and wondering:
how does a gay student feel at our prom or will having a kissing booth make anyone feel uncomfortable or how would a gay family feel chaperoning at one of these dances? Or how does a lesbian teacher feels at part of my teaching team or what it is like to be a gay family in their school community?
Even the curriculum in most places is quite exclusive of diversity and gay families – luckily not in ours but in that regard I would bet we are an anomaly.

I would assume unfortunately
That your school never saw this conversation coming
After taking a BIG breath here is what I would do:
I would broach it peacefully
With an eye to awareness and education
Looking for common ground and common understanding
This dance does exclude lesbian-headed households - but many others as well.


I would start with normalizing:
If the intent is to celebrate the parent-child relationship, can we expand that definition a bit?
- Tell them the percentage of children in your area that are being raised by single moms,
- number of families that have 2 moms or 2 dads
- the percentage of kids living w/foster parents, grandparents or a sibling
- family w/no daughters who are simply excluded by birth alone
- all caring family who would love to participate...

Next I would:
Give them a copy of -Involved, Invisible, Ignored this can begin to help them understand what what it FEELS like to be a GLBT family in their community.

-Then I would ask about short term alternatives:
For this year, can we?
-Can we send a very important uncle?
-or can a mom go?
- Can we change the name to parent-child dance?


If the climate feels good to you. Feels safe to you, I would also:

. Reach out to: The PTA for support, and then

. Single moms at the school
· Reach out to other same-sex parents
· Look for all of our amazing allies in the non-gay community
· Sound infinitely reasonable in all of your conversations with the school (even though you know they are being short-sighted, imbecilic and archaic – which if you are hitting roadblocks you know they are)

Unfortunately, one of the components that goes hand-in-hand with being gay, and especially being a gay parent, is education
Acting in the realm of crisis
Will make it a crisis
And truthfully, once we throw out the gay card – people
As we have learned over time
Just simply become reactive
Even when we are not. There lies the rub.
Stay clear about your objectives
Try to be flexible
And be honest with your child about the goal
This sucks honey – lets see how we can make it fit for this dance and work on making it fabulous for next year. And truly – ask your child what they want.. If they even want to go, who they want to take them. If they want to go and they want you – why shouldn't you have the right to be there? Just make sure it is their fight.
Remember, this is your kid's community

you want to be reasonable first – you don’t want to have your kid go to school each day in a world that is full of chaos.
That said
When all else fails
If no one will listen and you really feel this is your fight and this is your time
When you have done everything reasonable, acted like a mature parent and concerned member of the community and feel that all roads have been blocked….
I would enlist some muscle.
Local media will scare the shit out of any red-blooded American principal
Gay media will certainly always have your back
Pflag and Family Equality have a well-respected, reasonable voice and presence

(great for bridge-building while still being scary!)
And any local lesbian biker club would surely be happy to offer you a dramatic
Ride to the event in question and I’m sure would be gallant escorts!

and if you're lucky to be able to pass, like me
you should adorn your most favorite coat and tie
and simply smile as you say
"hey, just trying to fit in"


Please let us know how it goes.

Here is your new mantra
Reasonable, respectable,
rejected, rebuffed,
react, radical,
rebel, rejoice

Perfect day

I am learning
to put myself
first
prioritize
things seem to fall in line
when we worry less
with time
with distance
I learned this month
to turn off the e-mail before bed
and not turn it on again
until after
I enjoy
my rice crispies
in peace
They can wait....
Life is seeming to fit
struggle less
breath seems easier
This Saturday was amazing
spring here in boston

14 years ago
in May
Jessie and I were married
My parents did not come to the wedding
9 years ago we told my mother
3 times
on 3 separate occasions
that we were adopting
trans racially
4 years ago, when marriage became legal
she came
On saturday
I walked into a hardware store
in my new town
to by rope (the really expensive purple kind)
and left Torin and my mother in the car
when I returned
my mother was reading
a gay family ABC book to my bi-racial daughter
without skipping a beat
"My mommies always choose vanilla, but I like chocolate best" she read
wow
time
Saturday
my kids spend the day swinging from a new rope swing
my parents worked on a new tree house for them
jessie's body did not hurt
in fact she hammered and climbed and soccered with the rest of us, amazing
Torin told us she hates ballet - that it's only "for boys!"
and Zion walked though the supermarket
with his face deep in a pink disney princess book
not even aware that many parents would shun
such behavior
silly limits and rules, makes me kinda laugh

flowers bloom
positive light grows stronger
karma
life is good
what a perfect day
I am truly blessed.

Dodgeball - advice to dads in Atlanta

Dear Evolved Moms: My husband and I are looking at a few new areas in Atlanta to move to so our kids have access to a better school system. As gay dads what are some ways we can feel out the neighborhood and know if its welcoming to us? Pop and Papa (dads of 4 boys!)

Dear Pop and Papa,

to be honest
life as gay parents
is like dodge ball in 4th grade
you walk out onto the field
if you are chosen first
you know
your peers think you
are cool and unique
and will have your back
instantly
If you are chosen last
with hesitation
with fear and regret
beware
you are about to get nailed
from all sides

My advice
walk out on the filed
hold hands
walk though the school
smile and be very
open and out
be who you truly are
If folks come to you
look you in the eyes
say appropriate things
you are on the A team
no worries
and can rest and visist and be social
in most any backyard in that neighborhood
as well as the PTA
and know support is with you.
If you feel eyes on you
notice discomfort
secret whispers
a shift in the air
duck,
kickball at 9:00!
I know life is not this simple
But finding a safe home really is
Unless you are willing to educate everyday
defend
question
and worry
everyday
then find a place when you can just be at peace
and be one family in the community
not one different family
or one novel family (even though I know you are special!)
We live in the burbs - horse country!
but we really tested it out first
we walked to town
played with our African American kids at the playground
asked questions
Are there bigots here?
Sure, they are everywhere - that's life
but here they are polite and keep their comments to them selves
Difference exists and always will
but you deserve peace
as do your boys
Pick a town where you know
you can all go to the ice cream shop
holding hands
or to the 4th of July parade as a family
and just look at the floats
not looking over your shoulder
every moment
for the impending sting of the ball

Good luck!

XOXO
Evolved Mom - Stacey

Sperm Allergy - Advice to a yucked out mama to be

Dear Evolved Moms: Do u think someone can be allergic to sperm? I know it's crazy but each time I go for an insemination session (4th month of trying) I feel totally gross, yucky and eventually itchy. Almost like a yeast infection. Am I crazy?

Dear Spermophobe: So, science first. There are actually a minority of people in the world who are allergic to sperm. According to Estronaut a web forum focusing on women's heath.

"Like just about any other substance, it is possible to be allergic to semen. An allergic reaction is the result of the immune system overreacting to a foreign substance. The immune system recognizes the presence of something that is not part of the body, and it rushes to the location where the unfamiliar material is detected."

For the record, actually being blessed with this allergy is extremely rare. So if you really believe this might be true, please go get checked out by your GYN and rule it out
before you read on.

Okay, now that you know you are not actually allergic to the nasty little suckers, let me offer you an alternative perspective.

If you are like me
or really like any other
red-blooded American
dyke on the planet
the idea of sperm completely freaks you out
you imagine creepy little faces swimming angrily in the test tube
and each and every little fishy
reminds you of the one time
you actually touched
or was close to having
to touch or see
an actual penis in high school
behind the bleachers
or playing truth or dare
or for me the memory is of larry's club house
on a rainy Saturday after Hebrew school
at 13
To be honest
I couldn't even type the word semen in this blog
I had to cut and paste it so I didn't have to
...shit .....I just wrote it... AHHHH

Okay, back to the point.
I think you have a big case of the Lezzies
look, sperm just ain't in our world, let alone our bodies!
totally normal and nothing to panic about

so without even charging you for an office visit
I have the perfect prescription for you

Focus with me

you want a baby with your wife
and, at least for now
try and try as you might (hee hee)
you just can't get her pregnant on your own
so you need something to get the ball rolling right?

Our 5 year old daughter
wanted to hear her birth story
after hearing her brother's adoption story
we told her we needed a special chemical
that a woman's body needs to make a baby
and the
doctor put it in mommy
and she began growing
and that is all you need
simple as that
all sperm is
is a faceless
non-scary
non-childhood adolescent memory
chemical
to help you create your family.
Just like cars need gas to go
we need this awesome chemical called sperm
to get us moving

So focus on the result
and I bet the itch will go

Evolved Mom - Stacey

One Love - Advice to a closeted mom

Dear Evolved Moms: What is the best way to come out to your children? Mine are 7 and 5 and they have already been asking questions and want to see me kiss my girlfriend. I have explained a little bit to them. I told them that i liked girls...the kissing kind of like. They kind of understand, or so i thought. My daughter said, I'm gay because i like girls. like my friends at school and you... So i need some help explaining exactly what it means to be gay. Thanks

Dear Closeted Mom:

They know

in whatever way

a kid can understand

believe me

they get it

kids are super sensitive to difference

and wanting to fit in

They know your family looks different

and that had to not only be okay

but you need to be in charge of making it

almost a non issue

so when the comments fly

in 5th grade

or even when a curious 6 year old asks your kids where their daddy is

they can have a cool

non-defensive

and confident answer.

There is no room and no air to grow a family - in a closet.

I think all they need is love

and a little bit of exposure

the right words

and they will get it

Our kids are the same ages

But they have never had a day, when we weren't out

It's not about flaunting

its about living naturally

organically

and letting them see

that you are proud of who you are

We have told our kids

Our love is the same love

as other mommies and daddies have for each other

They know the words gay and lesbian-they say them loud at times

- even louder than we might be ready for

"hey mom? Is she gay" - they bellow across the park

We tell them that there are all kinds of love

and we make sure to have many kid appropriate books that show

families like ours

We go to gay family events from time to time

Contact Family Equality to see what is in your area

But the only important thing

is to be open and honest

teach them to be proud of you and of themselves by example

you have nothing to hide

and kids are funny

sometimes they really get it and don't need to know more

they will ask you if they do

In our house

we have hot a whole new level

sometimes the kids seem sad when I say

- you know guys, you might not be gay and that's okay!

we will love you like crazy no matter what you are

and no matter who you love!

Be open - be proud - teach pride

Evolved mama - Stacey

A place for everything

It has come to my attention that some newer visitors to this blog were offended by my recent post about homophobia at our children’s school. So offended that they found it necessary to find read, print, discuss, distribute and introduce it to the headmaster of my children’s elementary school.

Perhaps we should first discuss what a blog is, maybe that would help our new readers have some context for my last rant, and all of my previous years of rants, advice and poetic comments of participatory journalism.

Wikipedia defines a blog as:
(an abridgment of the term web log) a website where entries are commonly displayed in reverse chronological order. "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.

Many blogs provide commentary or news on a particular subject; others function as more personal online diaries. A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, web pages, and other media related to its topic. The ability for readers to leave comments in an interactive format is an important part of many blogs. Most blogs are primarily textual, although some focus on art (artlog), photographs (photoblog), sketchblog, videos (vlog), music (MP3 blog), audio (podcasting) are part of a wider network of social media. Micro-blogging is another type of blogging which consists of blogs with very short posts. As of December 2007, blog search engine Technorati was tracking more than 112 million blogs.

Each blog has it’s own raison d’etre if you will. Ours has always been to create and provide a space, a community for gay and lesbian parents to connect, find comfort, seek advice and share stories - commonality. A place for opinioned rants – mine, as the heading clearly states – and most importantly, a place to fit, complain, come together. And all who love, all who want to learn, all who are open are welcome.

That said, perhaps we should also discuss what is and is not appropriate when dealing with conflict - in a child’s educational setting – in THAT context and environment and also in a separate media editorial blog context.

You see
I was SHOCKED when I received a call from the school
Asking me to meet with the headmaster
Telling me a family had read my blog and was upset
In fact one family had informed another of the blog…
So then there were two…
Worlds collided
There is a time, place and way to be in all contexts
Like when you are at work and a colleague introduces a political joke, or over personal conversation. Very uncomfortable – because the two just don’t fit together. I believe there are appropriate places and times to discuss these issues. When I go to work I wear a suit, cover my tattoos and take out my eyebrow ring. Life has its uniforms and frankly I am ok with most them.

This blog
My blog
Has a purpose
An audience
A place that it fits
A need that it fills
An importance
Not just for myself but for many – internationally
Gay families need places to feel – discuss – share and connect
To feel free to express
Uninhibited
Unafraid
Just as coats and ties have a place
There is a modality to blogging and ranting that differs from the
Office modality, the subway way of being and the elementary school modes of communication and language.
Look – you don’t wear a tuxedo to go mountain climbing.

When discussing this incident of homophobia at our school
I did not wear the activist hat
I did not use the radical voice
Or the advocate mantra
My hat was MOM
And I speak and spoke with an eye to my kids
And a community that I cherish and greatly feel blessed by.
I would NEVER introduce this mode
Blogging mode
of language into our school
Everything has a place – a uniform if you will
And coming from the side of difference
Of oppression
Of “other” for so long
Perhaps I understand these rules better than most.

We chose to handle this situation maturely
With an understanding of people’s processes
Kid gloves
An eye to, yes, educate
But as organically as possible

I chose to share this incident on my blog
Because it is relevant
And important
And allows dialogue and learning
And a place for me to vent - which was quite needed
And this is exactly the type of moment that
I have written about
and answered questions about for years
Unchanged

But now
Another
Has introduced
My professional activist voice and language
My external poetry
Into the mom, child, educational arena
And is condemning my language
In that arena

I am not naive
I know that what I write is public
We are syndicated
If you Google
“my daddy’s name is donor” (one of our T’s)
Every conservative site across the net has an article condemning us
And I value the dialogue
I value the challenge
Frankly I value the publicity - can’t hurt eh?
I expect it in the world
And in All appropriate contexts

I am shocked however
And I find myself feeling violated and invaded
That parents at our school
Chose to expend time and energy
Seek out, find, read, print, discuss, complain about and
Then bring to the headmaster of our school
Out of the context of the full blog
This one entry
And condemn

The writing was done appropriately in context
Where it fits
It is the bringing of my writing
Where the violation exists for me
Why were they even reading this blog?
Clearly not for advice or to purchase gay baby clothing for their kids
I did not ever intend for this to occur
Good god
Imagine if all of our writings
All of our political views and biases
Our communications at work
Poetry we published in college
from our church sermons to graffiti
Our first novels depicting our hard childhoods to
Letters to the editor of People
Imagine if all of these were brought before all of our peers
In all contexts
My, that would be pretty!

I am so very disappointed
That this occurred
No parent spoke to us directly – as we did out of respect for them
And look, conflicts will arise
Disagreements occur and discussion about them is
Of utmost importance
And how they are handled lays the groundwork for the future

But in this case
what did they seek to accomplish?
To silence us?
Remove us?
Cover up our concerns and erase them?
hide their embarrassment?
Did they assume the headmaster would agree with them?
Gang up with them and bully us into silence
Did they expect the school to participate in quieting us
In our external editorial?
How distressing!

Our school howeveras always
Acted with grace and care
And a huge dose of support and respect for
Our kids - our family - all families
Diversity
The administrators engaged in a deliberate
Open dialogue with us
And we are grateful for that

The issue for the kids is resolved
But we have no closure

And now here is the rub
There is now
A palpable level of discomfort at school
Once our haven

People are talking – as people do
We handled this situation perfectly calmly maturely
Thought it was done
And yet it is not over
We now do not know who to trust
Who are our friends?
Our allies
Or at least the folks who are open to us or learning more
Who will now become closed to us
Due to this
Due to gossip
Due to discomfort

We feel violated (weren’t we already wronged once in this already?)
We feel somewhat stifled and edited
And now we must be defensive
And wonder what folks think
Who they are talking to
Again we must feel “different”
Must I worry each time I post of who I will please and anger in each phrase?
Of who is reading this blog?

And why come here?
Why read
If our blog does not fit your world view
If you are easily offended
there are 47 million other blogs
Just click and you will be freed from our liberal
Opinionated blathering
If I choose to listen to Imus
Or Dr. Laura or Rush
I am not shocked when I find I am offended

I am at a complete loss now
Mitigated only by the fact
That our children went to school the next day
Skipping
Blissfully unaware and unpoisoned
By all of this chaos

My wife said to me
What is important
Is our love
Helping to raise our amazing kids
And being blessed to be able to educate and help the world
So be it.

baby sage turns 5

It took longer to make the cake
than to make Torin Sage
first try at the GYN office
and 5 days later
Jessie was nauseous

It took longer to design the cake
choose the ingredients
cut the shapes
than to narrow down on the donor
we knew in an instant
which one was right
and magical
and for us

It took longer to mix and bake
decorate (yup it's all edible)
assemble
and color
than for Torin to be born
The cake was 72 hours of labor
Jessie was in labor for only a hellish 6


















How can it be
that the miracle of our daughter
took less time

I think of families who do not cherish
do not respect
do not dote on their babies

Every day with Torin is a miracle
magical
and a blessing

cherish your little ones
bake them cakes of doggies and lakes
give them the world
show them it's beauty
so that they can pass on the
love
to their children

ah family
ah love
that's how to change the world

one magical cake at a time
(Zion wants a skate board park cake - goddess help me!)

Happy birthday Torin Sage!
thanks for picking us!

homophobia begins at home

Private schools
have 2 weeks of vacation
in a row!
After preparing for a week
it seems to take a week for the kids to settle in
they miss their routine
their friends
one week of play
and then another to
orient them back
to the world.....


Our world came with a bit of a bummer moment this week
1st day back from break
my son
in his crunchy private school
was exposed to big batch of home grown homophobia
really the worst kind - or maybe the only kind
a girl in his class, a friend actually
told Zion that two moms can't actually have a child
so that means that "his family tree is broken"
and that "we broke it!"
she went on in her monologue to tell him why having a dad is better than 2 moms
"dads play sports with you and let you play with toy guns!"
Ahh where to begin
Here is what we did NOT say

• Dykes love sports and we can kick your dads ass at any sport any time anywhere
• Idiots play with guns and even bigger idiots lets their kids play with them
• Zion is adopted - a straight family could not handle having a baby and chose us to raise him - guess their tree is broken honey - we had the power to make a tree with ovaries only -now that's power!

Jessie, my wife did call her parents with the hope of offering some language to help their daughter understand. Jessie did not blame. She actually said that their child was not bulling and that she just wanted to be helpful.

Dad - our daughter has never known anyone like this and "alternative lifestyles" are new to HER. And she "did not learn this at home"

Jessie spoke to the mom at drop off today - Mom was frozen and clearly not understanding why we were still discussing it. In a panic to end talking to the lesbian she stated repeatedly "we will talk to her"

Luckily for us the school rocks and today the teacher will read Tango and few other books that might help.

The teachers will begin to educate the child whose parents raised her and trained her and taught her to limit, judge and look down upon others

we have our work cut out for us people

lets get out there and fight

love, S & J

Stray

This weekend

our kids were looking at buttons they bought in New York

on vacation

last year

My daughter who is almost five

pointed to one which read

"hate is not a family value" and confidently read it to us

"GAY" she said

Then she pointed to a rainbow one

"GAY"

Then to one which said "I love my gay family"

"GAY"

she said again

Jessie, my wife pointed to herself

"GAY" she said with a laugh
Zion, now almost 8

then pointed to himself

"GAY" he said

"no wait"

"straight" he said

"no wait"

"Mommy, I am a STRAY"

that's what you are when you don't know yet

if you are straight or gay

"I am a STRAY"

happy as punch he skipped away

very pleased with his new title

of

"don't know yet"

You just have to love this live

don't ya?

clinton or obama? - advice

Dear Evolved Moms: So what do we do? 2 great candidates. one african american and one woman. How great but how do we choose? Undecided in Ohio.


Dear Undecided:
Before the Massachusetts primary

we got a call
from our neighbor across the street
She was calling for obama
and assumed
that as we have black children
that he was our man
Several people have also assumed
that we are for hilary
because we are women
and honestly I am offended
that those who know us
albeit not close frinds
assume that we would make any desicions based solely on race or gender
On top of all of our opintions and concerns and worries
you bet I'd love to have a black man or a woman at the helm
hell yes I would
and how wonderful to have these choices!
But for me this is not about
race or gender
and I do have an opinion
after research and struggle
after looking at the history
after weighing and balancing issues
for my house it's hilary
but not because she 's a woman
although that adds a nice element to it all
her stance on healthcare
don't ask don't tell
her lack of religious and proselytizing rhetoric
for me
politics
should not be religious
that's my line
no gender or race assumption
just what feel's right in this house
if obama gets the nomination
we would be there for him
both choices after all
are amazing
but I hope for hilary
her experience
her power
it's her time

Hope that helps
Evolved Mom Stacey

naming the baby - advice

Dear Evolved Moms: We are expecting a baby any day now. And just cannot decide on a name for her, or him... We don't want boring and don't want crazy. My wife wants to use a family name and I am unsure. The birth mom is having some beginning contractions - so time is of the essence. Any advice? sami


Dear Sami:

Congratz. When our son was born
we had no time at all
We signed up with an agency
and 4 months later we were
on a plane
flying to
louisianna
without a name
We had talked about family names
(Isaac Israel - my grandfather's - a bit of a burden we thought)

we decided on Zion
because
zion national park
is our most favorite place to be
on earth
beautful powerful and serene
it just
felt right
We also felt the name was nice and short
easy to write with a big fat crayon
hard to make rhyming teases out of
and
also
had meaning
"holy place"
perfect

As for his last name
we decided to all take my name (harris)
at the prompting of my mother
(which was sweet and sort if shocking for her back then)
Middle name
Sun for our son
because we are still hippies at heart.
Our daughters name
Torin
meaning tender and chief
found it in a magical names book
a perfect fit
she now has more nick names than we can count
torin sage
became
sagey
TT
baby sage
Tor
tiny
and her favorite
T Bone (really)



My advice
go with your gut
feel no pressure from others
and just try to make sure
it's a name that's hard to tease with
spacey stacey was not fun


also - I notice in Torins Pre-K class
that kids with big names
like christopher
madelinne
charolette
simmerin
really struggle to get their names on paper
I think shorter
or at leat a quick nickname is good


I try to think of what life would be like
for a tomboy like me
if my name had been
daisy
or lilly
and I am thankful
for a more neutral name
like stacey

and lastly
as gay as we are
I don't think our kids need to have names like
sappho
labryis
kinsey...
and just how many ellen
melissa's or Amy's can there really be in our community?


your child with make a name for themselves
regardless of the name
you give them
on paper
enjoy the process
and go with what feels right to you


By the way
I have never liked my name
could have been worse
but I have never
felt like it fit
so maybe
regardless of what we do as parents
our kids will want to find their own
that fits who they are as they find our who they are

I am on the lookout for a nickname that works
when I travel
most folks call me Boston
and I kinda like it now


blessings to the new little one!
Send us a picture - with the name!

Crazy Mother

Last week at Ballet school
my son
was playing with a boy
you all know this boy

he has a lot of trouble

controlling himself

ever seeing any boundaries

he almost seems pathological at times

but you know he isn’t

just a kid with some issues

and no limits at home

I was walking the boys

to another building

when the boy turned

and slapped my son on the arm

so hard

so loud

so out of nowhere

that I immediately yelled at him to never touch my son that way again

I was caught off guard

such a strange moment

peaceful to insanity in 2 seconds
This kid has always made me edgy
he’s combustible

I think there is more latitude for boys

in ballet

because there are so few

that they seem to want to keep them

regardless

so he stays

and plagues me

I told the director that I had some serious concerns

and she decided to speak to the boys the following week

so Tuesday

as I waited with zion for class

the other boys mom

came up to me

yelling

in front of zion

in front of my 4 year old

in front of all of the children

and tried to engage me

in a fight

totally blind to boundaries

her face red

her hands clenched

fierce

animalistic

I am not one to ever back down

I am just not good at it

but there were kids

my kids

and she was so in her own world

and then she yelled at zion

in front of us all

for no reason

and he looked at me

what did I do wrong he said?

nothing at all I said
looking at her

and I left

with my daughter

and had another mom

a sane one

stay with zion until class began

so I could contain myself

so I could talk to the director

my hands shaking

from this weird verbal assault

from fending off a high school level

purposeless bitch fight

in front of my kids

and then suddenly

in one second's time
this kid that has bugged me

for months

this kid that I have wanted to throttle

suddenly

I had nothing but love for him
and a good dose of pity

even when he is rude

and distracting

and horrid

it is clearly all he has been taught

from mommy

It's amazing how important

this job

of parenting is

their little lives

their huge dreams

depending on us

I had to be an adult

control myself

walk away

and now I will begin

to love a kid

I despise

because

someone must

Many little quesitons

Over the past many months
I have been asked a variety of small
interesting questions

so here goes

Dear Evolved Moms:


Q: How old are you?
A: 38

Q: your funny, ever thought of stand up?
A: I think sit-down comedy works best for me

Q: what makes you the gay parenting advice expert of the world?
A: wow! Thanks, I didn't know I was an expert.
Look, I listen, I live, I write. I do the best I can and I am happy folks listen
this works for me
if you don't agree
I am sure other "experts exist"

Q: do your kids know their birth parents
A: Our kids each have a story that is their to share as they live and grow
we have told them their stories. And share with them more and more as they grow and ask.
one day, they might choose to share it with the world
or maybe not
but I feel it's theirs to share

Q: Do you think Pride day is a place for kids?
A : I think kids live in this world and have pride for their families
I think some events do it better, and safer than others
We bring ours to some
some only for certain parts
and some not at all
I think there is power and education in it if it is done safety

Q: How many tattoos do you have
A: 2 but I have plans for a third

Q: How would you describe yourself
A: Hmmm. Silly, poetic, loyal, mama, woman, dyke

Q: Is it true you used to be a hairdresser?
A: Curious how you know that... Yup. For 10 years. Helped with the bills during law school. Yup Lawyer for another 10. Now this and our clothing and promotional company. I wonder what will be next?

Q: Do you vote? If so, for whom?
A: Hell yes I vote. In the end I will choose the the democratic nominee. But I hope for Hillary.

Q How is your partner doing?
A: Great! Thanks for asking.

Q: Do you sing in the shower
A: Always, and really everywhere. Quite embarrassing for the little ones at times!

Q: Do you own a skirt
A: What do you think?

Q: If you could be any animal what would it be?
A: Human (preferably female)

Thanks for the small questions. They were fun. Keep em coming.

XOXO
Evolved Mom Stacey