ahh the rollercoaster! Advice to a sad dad.

Dear Evolved Moms:
We adopted our son five months ago, he is now one. I have been home the whole time but now I must return to work. I am feeling torn between being with him and losing my mind being home. Can anyone but us care for him like we do? The job is okay – pays the bills but my husband and I have to work to keep on moving up. Will he be okay? Will I?

Sad Pop


Dear Sad Pop:

Welcome to the rollercoaster of parenting man. And this is just the first stop!
I learned very early on
That I knew nothing about parenting
And our son taught me everything
When he smiled – I knew I did it right
When he cried I knew it was wrong
As soon as I had something down pat, suddenly, he grew
And that skill no longer worked
Parenting is about playing catch up
Every six months
They seem to fully evolve
Listening to your kids and learning with them each day
Letting them lead the way

But the bigger lessons are about life
Balance
Time
What do you spend time on, what gives a bit, what matters most?

We have always felt that family comes first
But still work, meetings, people, cleaning – life seems to get in the way of life
A year ago last October
My wife was diagnosed with MS
And clearly it was time for a life pause
Not everyone needs such a universal wakeup call
But for us it was an important moment
don’t get me wrong – MS way sucks
but it also gave us a bit of a blessing

Suddenly
The little shit in life just doesn’t matter
People bickering at work
Bad drivers
Family politics
People who waste my time
Sweeping the floor
Hours of being home or away
stress
It all suddenly mattered less

I am not saying quit your job and move your gay family to the woods either
But all of the details
The stresses
The bull
Make it matter less
Your boy is going to get older no matter what
He will love you in a big house or a small one
With a huge job or part-time one
In childcare or homeschooled
He will love you
No matter what you do
He will love you
But he needs you happy
Unstressed
Satisfied by life

We have a short time
To enjoy and celebrate our families
This time around
In this life
I am going to savor every moment

When my wife and I need to go out
So be it – we get a sitter
If we want to stay in – super we are with the kids
Childcare
No childcare
Work or don’t work
Some are made to home school
Some are not
Some are made to work 80 hours a week
Some are not
What matters is the happiness
Find work your love
Find hobbies you enjoy
Love your family
And enjoy

It’s less about the time
Of course others can care for him

It’s the stress and worry that take time
and quality away

no worries, be happy now
do do do do do do do do do do do do don’t worry…

Evolved Mom - Stacey

Fresh vs frozen?

Dear Evolved Moms:

Okay we are ready to get prego! But, there are so many options of places and ways to get sperm, how do we know which road is best? We could use her brother (they look alike), frozen anon sperm, a friend.... Please help us!

mary and meg

Hey Mary and Meg,

I get asked this question often

and I could give you all of the pros and cons

of fresh vs frozen

talk about the best sperm banks

and the good bad and ugly of using a friend

but I figure

you are asking me because you know I am opinionated

so I am just going tell you what I think.

Using a sib, or any donor

to create someone that "looks" like both of you

is kind of false

the baby WILL be both of yours

just not biologically

so throw the "look" piece out

a small healthy bundle

with as few complications and red tape as possible is the goal

right?

Throw the friend idea out too

you are good people

that says to me

that your friends are good people

good people

see babies that are biologically theirs

and naturally want to connect

complicated and messy

regardless of intent and love

a guy you meet at a bar

no attachments

also no trust

lots of potential yucky ailments and issues

complicated, okay gross too! (I guess free though)

Frozen anonymous pop

"A" answer in my book

pre-screened and tested for all medical issues

can be delivered to your door

no red tape

no legal documents

no third party emotions

voila!

and as long as I am being opinionated

Small plug - California Cryobank - a personal favorite

great history

good practices

and even a generic attractiveness scale of the donor!

no matter which road you choose

you will still need to figure out how to handle the yucky stuff

will you do it at home or have your OB do it?

ovulation kits, vitamins, yoga...

so much to do

so much to decide

I say for the sperm

take the easy road.

good luck! Can't wait to hear how it goes!

seperate and not equal

Dear Evolved Moms:
This winter I went skiing with my whole family, my wife and kids and my sister and her partner and kids, a few cousins and our parents. Our whole family is super accepting of my sister being gay and her family is treated exactly the same as mine. I am writing because the whole week my sister kept making me feel like her family was in some way… better, I don’t know, more important, more unique than mine. I thought we were al l the same now, equal – especially in this family. What do you think I should do?
Straight Brother Markus

Hey Brother Markus!
First off – LOVE YOU! For your support
Your love of family and your sister
For being there and caring enough to ask

You are totally right and also a bit not all at the same time
We do all WANT equality and we all feel the same inside
We have the same talks in our homes
Same dreams
We all hate to clean (unless we are PMSing)
We all dream for our children
Clean the kitty litter boxes with disgust
Worry
Stress and laugh
We all give love and want love
We all want approval
But Brother Markus
Things are not the same

Let me break it down

When you go skiing in Utah
Life is always easy
Amazing snow
Great temperatures
Chairlifts go right to the base of the mountain
Life is good
Most of the time you can ski and get a tan all in one day
And that is what it is like in the US for a man and women to get married
And have a family
There is no hitch, no limit, no barrier

Now not so long ago in the US
Gay marriage and the creation of gay families
Were like skiing on the desert of Nevada in august
Just could not happen

Now I would say
It’s a bit more like skiing in New England
You never know the weather
You will need a lot of help from snow machines and luck to make it happen
Sometimes it will work
But most of the time there will be ice and rocks and
Long lines and frost bite
And impassible roads
and it’s really damn expensive!
And on some days,
If yu are extremely luck
And patient
And live IN new England (or Iowa) you just might have a good day of skiing

You see your sister
Like all gay people who want a family
Still has to fight for her rights
For equal treatment
today
Even in Iowa
Or Vermont
Or even Massachusetts

We are burdened with explaining a lot
We teach all the time
Just by existing
We have to protect ourselves
Filter input
Choose battles
And protect our kids
In very different way that you have to
Every day
Day after day
We have extra burdens still
Historic, legal and real

Even in an amazing families like yours
That love and accept – there was still a journey
Years of fear, DOMA, prop 8, don’t ask don’t tell
We are seperate and not equal
Not yet…

On your road to marriage and family I am sure there were twists and turns
But for your sister
There were roadblocks
Emotional, legal, physical
And to get to the end
To marriage and family
Took muscle
Took skill
Took bravery
Took planning
Took money
Took time

You two are the same
Family is the same
Love is the same
But our roads
Our not yet equal
And are a long way from being flat
Thank you for loving her
And caring
That is what will lessen the load

Evolved mom Stacey

You People

Yesterday
I was effectively
"you peopled"
by a child at our kids school
not just any kid either
one who really really knows us
has been to our home
in our car
to our kids parties

I was waiting to pick up our daughter from kindergarten
I heard a child voice saying
"Hi Mrs. Harris"
which always makes me laugh
so formal
so my mother
so not me
I smiled at her
"you know honey you can just call me Stacey" I said
she just smiled up at me
and happily stated
"I can't tell you apart, so I just call you both Mrs. Harris"
and truly I was stunned.
silent actually - which is really weird for me
For one
Jessie and I really are not lookalikes
although occasionally matching we never twin EVER
(my mom does by us everything in twos..
but we do not wear them at the same time
okay maybe the sandals...)
My hair is shaved off, I wear ripped jeans
my eyebrow is pierced
I am short with glasses
I am boish
Jessie is tall and has hair (not long but long for a dyke)
and she is always dressed up, coming from work she is girly
so I sat silent
almost feeling slapped

so odd
to just be written off
you are just one of them
why should I bother to tell you apart
you are lesbians
same
even at 9 or 10 or 11 whatever she is
she saw us as a group
not me as a person
and felt no issue with that at all.

New President - New hope - A beginning

America
was born
this week
given a new chance
to grow and thrive

We are fragile though
not tough
in our infancy

I worry about cockiness
lack of respect of the past

I worry about those who forget
we are still volatile
and new
with skin untouched
we have yet
to try on our new ways
our new feet



I am so tired to hearing people
who seem to feel that no longer does racism exist
that all is equal now
that all is forgotten

the white wealthy
unoppressed
I find
are overly ecstatic
somehow relieved

I am ecstatic too
but in a different way
I feel honored to be present
when our country finally did the right thing
not for the color
but the choice

I am humbled that President Obama
and this time in history
that he worked for
will give us all
the opportunity
to begin to do the work
that needs to be done

This time
in history
is a chance to start
we must respect our infancy
our newness
we must respect the past
what has come
what must never come again
what lies ahead
is hope

Obama I am sure
will add fertilizer
and sun
but if we do not supply the love
change cannot be

On the same day
that America
began to evolve

Parts of America became more ugly
Proposition 8
bans on gay adoption
ballot questions cramming
law and god into one basket
limiting affirmative action
limiting freedom
choice
life
love

some of the same voices
and citizens who
voted for Obama
also voted for hate
and limits and controll

we must respect our place in this miracle
we are new
we are infants
we are fragile
and volatile
now the work must begin

now our voices must be heard
in unison
at every racist comment
every gay joke
at every fallen policy
at every town hall
at every PTA meeting
on every subway
we must now work
and be seen
and be present

we are infants
but together
we can now grow
and become whole
and strong
change has come
and now
we must begin

we cannot grow weary
hope won
and it is our job
to keep hope fertile
and loved
the future depends on it
on us
Obama cannot do it alone

Hope

The future

Hope

Lil' Obama on Halloween!

Halloween
Zion wanted to be Obama
Torin a cat
instead of saying trick-or-treat
I will say 'our time is now'!
One suit
One sign

For the school festivities
Zion shared the runway
with a pre-k teacher going as palin
another student who was Obama and a student going as mccain
all laughing together
the director of admissions went as Obama too!
we spent class time
making edible dirt and trick or treat bags
eating junk and feeling excited
the school day a success
of glee and sugar
truly an amazing day that the teachers
could keep the kids sane
knowing what lay ahead

Later, in our small
predominantly
white town
I wondered how
Lil'Obama would do
We rushed home from school
shoved dinner in
donned a suit for Zion
painted Torins face
and set out
In our small town
all of the kids walk to the center store
Fiske's - for a treat and to have their photo taken
to be placed in the window

Our entourage
a small black cat
two bundled lesbian moms
one stroller
and a small black boy
in a full suit leading us
carrying a large sign
"out time is now" on one side
"yes we can" on the other
as soon as we left the house
life changed
horns began honking as they passed
smiles
thumbs raised
more smiles
shock to giggles and happiness
Torin began to count
twelves honks for Obama mama
no fourteen now!
his excitement grows as each house
with an Obama sign
comes into view
and why shouldn't he?
house after house
Zion scored twice the candy as anyone else
several told him they would vote for him
and our little 8 year old reminded them
"not to forget to vote tuesday!"

it was an amazing opening
to meeting new neighboors
we had wonderful rich and full conversation's
and the kids scored big
Only at one house,
to be honest it did have a mccain sign,
were the treat giveres a bit tight with him
but the mountains of candy and well wishers
more than made that
a non existent memory

Zion handed out Obama stickers
smiled
and schmoozed as usual

I do believe
that little man
helped the vote
he made people think
about what matters
family
in all it's forms
freedom
role models
and change
laughter
and unity
it was amazing
Zion's future is bright

please vote
to make it
even brighter!

Sarah's Hard Rock Candy - A Must See

The video says it all... Peggy Seeger (Pete Seeger's sister) wrote the song. My wife made the video - please share

Stupid Pokemon - advice

Dear Evolved Moms: After much deliberation we chose to send our kids to public school. We live in a great town with a great school system and pretty liberal and committed and involved parents. Now, after just a month, our 6 year old twins are sassy, argumentative and suddenly interested in children we would not chose for them not to mention activities we detest, like paintball and shows like "that's so raven" (which they have never seen). This is exactly what we were afraid of. But what can we do now. Moms from everytownamerica.

Dear Moms:

There is no way

as I have written many times before

to insulate, bubble wrap and filter your child

from the world

At a certain point

they will need to fall

make choices of their own

trust their intuition (and know where to find it and how to use it)

That being said

we all do our best

to help guide them

There is a kids who is around my son a lot

who NEVER shuts up

she pokes and man handles

is sassy and very rude

to kids and adults alike

she obeys no boundaries

she talks loudly in his face

I try hard not to tell him how much I dislike her

as a person

how much I detest her behavior

I try to say, how do you feel about what she is doing

or point out - wow she was speaking really loudly and close to you

How do you feel about that

or step in when it overwhelms him.

Pretty much unless we are talking politics or the Redsocks (where I tell my children all)

I try to be fairly neutral

which is hard for me

really hard

as I am extremely opinionated

but usually right (as I am sure you are too)

I d0 draw the line on violence and we have strict rules in our home

about such things.

no video games

no TV during the week

weekend TV no commericals . .

We went out of our way to help our son collect Bella Sara cards

Magical horse cards with magical powers

so he could still collect cars and feel part of gang, but not Pokemon

or other such stupid violent games.

And why do parents by these?

Just to drive me crazy I am sure!

I will never really know

weakness is my guess

to allow their children to fit in

maybe they justify the violence by believing that some learning is involved?

I don't know

Lazy maybe

aren't there better things our kids could be doing?

I remember collecting stamps, rocks, Lego's, books, teen beat magazines,

red sox cards,

pictures of joan jet and annie lenox tapes.....

anyhoo

no matter what we teach

our kids will always experiment

test the waters

and break all of our rules.

that's their job

that's how they learn and grow

Our job

is not to kill them when they make mistakes

we often say

you might not fully agree with our rules

and when you don't live here you can have whatever you want in your house

but these are the rules

and they are here to keep you safe and help you grow

because we love you

we keep door open to talk

and we talk a lot

no question is too hard

or adult

or scary

but sometimes

systems fail

That is why at 7:30 am today

when my wife found 2 Pokemon cards

and some other violent looking transformerish card

in Zions bag

we did not kill him

I actually left them out on his desk so he would know

we saw them

"sorry mama" he said as he carried them out

"I got them at school"

not a public school either - so don't think that is your issue

a 20,0000 dollar a year private school, with a

10-1 ratio

and parents who care and are involved

and like all parents

some make choices we might not agree with

just like some kids do

that is the world for kids

that is the world for adults

and your twins

just like my son

will need to learn to navigate those waters

"Please don't do it again"

"If they are truly your friends they will understand

that that is something you are not allowed to do"

and we move on

to another day

another lesson

another moment of teaching

and trying to walk the line

between smothering and teaching

protecting and allowing them to grow

preaching and repairing damage done

fearing and trusting

in them

Evolved Mom: Stacey

complaints - advice to grumpy daddy

This sunday is nutcracker auditions
Zion can speak of nothing else
he wants to be Fritz - but is probably too young
emotional fall out to come...
we will see
at first I was dreading it all a bit
hours upon hours of driving, waiting, dinner in the car
rehearsals going late
schlepping our younger one along
but then today I received an advice question
from a very grumpy daddy in Log Angeles

He writes: Dear Evolved Moms, it seems that school has only just begun and my husband I are have become chauffeurs again. Drive to soccer, pick up from school, playdates - it never ends. I want my life back! How can we streamline this parenting thing? Grumpy Dad

Suddenly life became clear again for me.
our job
as parents
is to balance
is to support
is to be a catalyst
for their lives and hopes and dreams
Now, if your kid is just in too many activities
or their schedule is making homework and sleep complicated
that's another story...
But each kid had different needs
For Zion - 4 hours a week of ballet (soon to be 5)
is is zen space
his peaceful place
this balances him
and I should be - and am thankful that he found something he loves this much.
letting him push himself
and supporting where he wants to go
isn't that our job?
who am I to stand i the way of his progress
I am not pushing him to go
and I also should never
make his dreams hard to reach
beacuse I "don't feel like it"
this is his dream

we all have them too

signing up to parent
is a bit like signing up to be a chauffeur
party planner
organizational therapist
but that is also the best art

grumpy dad - you must chill
you must learn to help them grow and still have a life
if driving them to school is one of your stressors you have a lot to rethink about your scheduling..

Cheers to the future soccer players
ballet dancers
contractors
presidents (we could sue a new one eh?)

Here to the future
I hope we all do our best helping them get there.

peace

Evolved Mom Stacey

Houdini Dog

Okay, so now I need advice.

Each weekend we pack up the kids

and mike the dog

and drive to p-town to our little shop

I thought it might be good to get a portable crate (lightweight...)

so I did not have to bring the metal one each time

15 minute into the adventure

I hear him wrestling in the crate

but I know he is in there

I zipped it myself

and then I see something in the rear view

Mike

on top of the luggage!

He had smushed his nose a certain way and unzipped it.

We pull over

tie the ends of the zipper together

10 minute later

Houdini dog says hello

and scare the shit out of me

We resolve to keep him in the front as we finish our trip

Mike is thrilled

and the kids think it's hysterical

On Sunday

after have a "gay old time" on the cape

We stop at the x-ass tree shop and

purchase yet another more solid - yet portable crate

with 5 minutes has his nose out and is happily

climbing up to the front seat

kids cackling all the way

moms getting pissed

We but a pigs ear and tie the crate again

mike chews his way out in 5 minutes

35 dollars later

mike is happily being king

up in the front

with his gay mommies

and the kids are in tears of laughter and glee

Lesson: Dogs love the front seat

kids love to laugh at moms

P-town is for the whole family

give into the roller coaster of life

But, as we are going again on Friday

any advice of puppy restraint

or ways to deflect butch embarrassment

at not being able to restrain a tiny cockapoo

are welcome

Evolved Mom Stacey

facing fears - advice

Dear Evolved Moms:
I am just terrified, my son started Kindergarten this week. I can't sleep. I feel like we have created this safe, bias-free, empowering little world for him and now he is out there, alone and we are not there to help him. To guide him. To keep the assholes away from him. I find that I am picking him up early, finding excuses to keep him home. What do you think? I know I need to chill out, but it's hard. Thanks. J & J

Dear J & J:

Letting go is the hardest part of parenting. And the most important.
Assholes will exist.
At school
at work
on the playground
but if they never learn to stretch their self help muscles
how will they ever survive?
Fear is a really hard place to live - for any of us
Our daughter started K last week
I am afraid she is too tired - the day is long
she is shy
it is hard for her to say "no" to kids who might be unkind
some of the kids are amazing..
some of the families are amazing...
some might not be our cup of tea - but time will tell
we will guide her, but ultimately, she needs to make the right choices
and we have helped her and will continue to, as you have

it has been an interesting summer for all of us here
and fear at times has been a factor
but I have decided
at least for me
that living with fear
only inhibits my living
and all of those around me

I needed to say
I am longer going to live in fear of:
bills
MS
kid choices
taking huge risks
what anyone else thinks
things that really I have no control of anyway
or things I cannot grow without

Maybe you need a list too..
he will go
he will fall
he will get up
he will be powerfull
with his own wings
and you have helped him become powerful
let him fly
fear is no place to live...

Evolved Mom Stacey

Where the hell have you been?

where have we been?

well here is our marathon summer:

end of school

northampton pride

recitals

boston pride

atlanta pride - decided we might just be too old to go to so many prides!

R Family Cruise to Canada - wow

High School Musical Camp - zion was troy!

Basketball camp

mini sports camp

2 weeks of ballet camp

built a store for one week in P-town for family week (okay that was a lot!)

landlord offered us the space to try for a few other weekends

excited

scared

excited beat scared

drove back and forth from home to p-town 10,000 times (but loved every minute of it)

even the lack of sleep

got dog fixed

2 kids in hip hop camp

decided to commit to store in p-town for All of next summer (wow) come visit!

(205 commercial street in the aquarium mall!)

made pregnancy belly cake for best friends baby blessing party

kissed wife

got rid of wife's crappy car and upgraded

drove to p-town one more time

saw friends

back to school shopping for the boy who grew out of everything

bought a first day of kindergarten dress - not for me

heard my daughter say fuck 3 times in a row - apparently kids do copy what they hear - oops!

forgot school forms

made MD appointments to do the forms

bought ballet shoes for two kids - men's sizes now!

planned next tattoo

watched Torin begin to learn to read!

didn't sleep enough

enjoyed some sun

have relief that wife is feeling great

bought some kinda girly shoes for a wedding

and laughed a lot

and now we are back.

whew.

happy almost fall

Road Trip

We are leaving for Gay Pride Atlanta
We go to many prides each summer around the country
normally, being moms
we leave in the dark of night
trimming any unneeded minute
condensing
so that the kids
have little time
without us
we leave at midnight
fly red eyes to LA
work 14 hour days and then return with no sleep
we leave lists and gifts and extra directions and love
we worry

But this year
we decided
mommies need time
to love and play too!
so instead of flying
instead of red eyes
instead of dashing and sweating and forgetting
and losing our minds
my wife and I are driving
to Atlanta
girls on a road trip
Thelma and Louise
without the guns and men and crashing off the cliffs thing
we are taking time
for us
how novel eh?

Last night I wrapped small gifts
so each morning a small surprise they would have
the house is full of food
the notes are written

but today - we will simply be women
tattooed, windows down, music blaring
in love
road tripping
travelin
and only worrying a tiny bit
about the babies

Take time
for yourselves

and come see us in Atlanta
or on the R Family Cruise
or in P-Town for Family Week

Maybe we will look more rested!

Happy pride!

do I look like I have a husband to you? - advice

Dear evolved moms: We have visited and applied to 3 preschools for our son. ALL of the forms for ALL of the school have applications which read mother and father. He has TWO DADS! Crossing off and filling in is just not enough. Can we send him to a school that cannot even handle this simple form change to be inclusive? Exasperated dads!

Dear Dads: Ugg!
I hear ya. The polite answer is yes.
you can send him
but you will also need to do some education around these issues
and about why they segregate and exclude GL families
Choose a school based on all of the issues
the education, comfort and feel
love to your child.....

okay - as I am not known for being polite
here is my other answer
I too and sick as hell
of the laziness and arrogance and heterosexism
that goes into moments like the ones you are dealing with
Schools, camps and companies need to wake up
and realize we all exist

There are times,
when we do not feel like educating
or as you say - crossing out and filling in
why should we?

This week I went to T-mobile
to get my wife a new phone
hers had broken
It had been a long day
I had two kids with me
and the clerk said
I was not an authorized user on the account
I said we were legally married
I had the Social security numbers and pins
finally she said
"your husband needs to come in to authorize you"
i just snapped
"DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A HUSBAND?
GET REAL LADY, LOOK AT THIS FAMILY.
THIS IS MASACHUSETTS FOR CHRISTS SAKE!"

sometimes
we just have to say it like it is
not pussy foot around the issues
speak your mind.

Am I advocating yelling
of course not
there were clearly better roads I could have taken
but sometimes
you just need to speak your mind

We'd love for our son to come here
but our family needs to be included in all ways
and that includes the forms
kapeesh?