ahh the rollercoaster! Advice to a sad dad.

Dear Evolved Moms:
We adopted our son five months ago, he is now one. I have been home the whole time but now I must return to work. I am feeling torn between being with him and losing my mind being home. Can anyone but us care for him like we do? The job is okay – pays the bills but my husband and I have to work to keep on moving up. Will he be okay? Will I?

Sad Pop


Dear Sad Pop:

Welcome to the rollercoaster of parenting man. And this is just the first stop!
I learned very early on
That I knew nothing about parenting
And our son taught me everything
When he smiled – I knew I did it right
When he cried I knew it was wrong
As soon as I had something down pat, suddenly, he grew
And that skill no longer worked
Parenting is about playing catch up
Every six months
They seem to fully evolve
Listening to your kids and learning with them each day
Letting them lead the way

But the bigger lessons are about life
Balance
Time
What do you spend time on, what gives a bit, what matters most?

We have always felt that family comes first
But still work, meetings, people, cleaning – life seems to get in the way of life
A year ago last October
My wife was diagnosed with MS
And clearly it was time for a life pause
Not everyone needs such a universal wakeup call
But for us it was an important moment
don’t get me wrong – MS way sucks
but it also gave us a bit of a blessing

Suddenly
The little shit in life just doesn’t matter
People bickering at work
Bad drivers
Family politics
People who waste my time
Sweeping the floor
Hours of being home or away
stress
It all suddenly mattered less

I am not saying quit your job and move your gay family to the woods either
But all of the details
The stresses
The bull
Make it matter less
Your boy is going to get older no matter what
He will love you in a big house or a small one
With a huge job or part-time one
In childcare or homeschooled
He will love you
No matter what you do
He will love you
But he needs you happy
Unstressed
Satisfied by life

We have a short time
To enjoy and celebrate our families
This time around
In this life
I am going to savor every moment

When my wife and I need to go out
So be it – we get a sitter
If we want to stay in – super we are with the kids
Childcare
No childcare
Work or don’t work
Some are made to home school
Some are not
Some are made to work 80 hours a week
Some are not
What matters is the happiness
Find work your love
Find hobbies you enjoy
Love your family
And enjoy

It’s less about the time
Of course others can care for him

It’s the stress and worry that take time
and quality away

no worries, be happy now
do do do do do do do do do do do do don’t worry…

Evolved Mom - Stacey

The Bathroom Quandary - Advice to two dads

Dear Evolved Moms: Where the hell is a family bathroom when you need one? Ron (my partner) and I were at the mall with our 5 year old daughter this weekend. She had to pee and, per usual, "NO FAMILY BATHROOMS!" When we took her in the men's room, people freaked out. She's not old enough to go alone to the ladies room. What can we do? -Tim

Hi Tim: Our seven year old son feels that he is ready to go in the men's room alone and I am totally not although he is VERY tall for his age and strong I just can't trust the world that much yet - nor a 7-year-old for that matter there are a million creeps in the world and although I try to believe that people are inherently good not so when it comes to my child's safety on top of that my son still forgets to look both ways crossing the street and never makes his bed and although he shows wisdom beyond his years he is interminably friendly to everyone he meets.

So here is my balance
when I know we are in a safe place
our MD office
a one stall public restroom
at ballet school...
I say okay, and let him go in the men's room
while I wait and look like a stalker outside
I usually though
force him to go into the women's room with me, which he hates!
this is ALWAYS interesting
as I look a bit like a boy and he almost a young man
many looks
but screw them all really
I need him safe
and we'd all really rather he pees, right?
third option - saved for VERY rare events
We went to a gay business expo in Boston
he was pitching a fit about wanting to use the men's room
I found a group of gay men going in
who had their own children with them
and I asked if they could take him in too
I paced outside the door
and in about 45 seconds my son returned happy as a clam
he had used the urinal
lovely for him
and also informed me that "Men don't use toilet paper"
lovely again.

So daddies remember this:

1) safety is key so just ignore the looks - she is more important than them anyway. And perhaps the onlookers might learn a thing or two about being a responsible and responsive parent!

2) occasional safe bathrooms exist and she will be so proud she went herself (although I still feel 5 is a bit too young)

3) When all else fails, look for like families and/or friends in common. But remember safety is way more important then the huge tantrum she will throw when you say no.

4) lastly - it is ALWAYS your right to barge into the opposite gender bathroom to check on her. That's a parent's job.

Please let me know how it goes and happy peeing!

Evolved Mom Stacey