Thursday, November 29, 2007

Organized religon? Advice to spiritual dads

Hi Stacey! My husband and I are very spiritual people. A bit on the Pagan/solstice side of like if you know what I mean. That has always worked for us. My in laws however, just hate this! They pretty much steered clear of talking religion for years, but when our son Gabriel was born 3 years ago they began pushing. He needs "organized religion", "he needs a clear moral structure" Blah blah blah... It's always worse at holiday time. They offer to bring him to church and buy him biblical things. Do you feel a kid needs to have "organized religion"? What can we say to them? Karl.
Hi Karl, Religion is a touchy subject for many parents.
As gay and lesbian families
we, more often then not
have not felt comfortable in "organized religion"
Lets be real here
most religious are full of rules condemning us!
Not really great lessons for our kids...
That's not the moral compass my kids need.
Most religions
have wonderful lessons and values and teachings
unfortunately the judgements woven into the threads
the rigidity
the guilt
are often more confusing than having none at all
My view
all kids need to believe
in something
something bigger then them
something magical
and loving
and amazing
call it the goddess
call it the universe
call it god
call it magic
just believe
Find those like you
build community
and teach your values
to your son
Explain to your mother in law
how some religions feel to you and why
why your practice fits
invite her
if you wish
to learn
about what matters to YOUR family
All kids need to learn
karmic lessons
lessons of action and reaction
death and life
internal strength
When I was a child
I went to Temple
and my rabbi took all of the 6th graders
every year
to visit
5 other religious institutions
so that we could see
what exists
and what was right for us
how cool is that
allowing people to decide for themselves!
That is what truly matters
Our family celebrates Yule at home
Hanukkah with grandma
and also gets santa
Enjoy the holidays
and just believe
Its a magical time for all!

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

happy holiday

Tomorrow we travel to Vermont
unbridled love
the kids play
no judgements
no rules
no calories
no timelines

two moms
grammy and grampy
aunts and uncles
a dog
mini horses
children's dreams
a list
dancing hippies
whoever drops by
pie for breakfast
pie for lunch
pie for dinner

my rainbow family
my chosen family
unconditional love
I am so thankful

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Monday, November 19, 2007


4 weeks ago
this past friday
Jessie, my wife
said her eye was bugging her
it had been for 2 days
conjunctivitis she thought or maybe a weird cold
Oprah was on the news that thursday
saying women don't get the health care they need
Oprah had a thyroid issue
she didn't know
Jessie, I said
Oprah said you need to go to the MD
Women don't go when they should
Okay honey, she said
she set up a time on friday
4 weeks ago
We awoke and drove in separate cars
to the kids school
parent teacher conferences
The meetings were great and loving and insightful
lots to love a little bits to work on
just like our kids
I drove home
Jessie drove to the eye doctor
and then
I didn't hear from her
hours passed
I couldn't reach her
I picked up the kids
went home
waited waited
we usually talk compulsively
like adolescent school girls in love
I remember
Torin was playing dress up
Zion playing Piano
I was about to start a movie
Jessie called
There is a problem
with my eye
I need to be hospitalized
please come


grabbed Torin, in dress up clothing, no pants
throw kids in car
stay calm
heart racing
called a friend to get the kids
zion is crying
I think
I talk to jessie
she is scared
its pouring
I can't drive fast enough
trade kids in the lot of the Ground Round
Zion is crying
I am alone with Jessie
We go to the ER




no vision


heart racing



Jessie has MS. . .


no answers
time passes
4 days in the hospital
to get her vision back
phone calls
feigning normalcy
Intense love
intense fear
I drive the kids home
to live life
for them
what should I be doing
What do I need everyone asks

all I can think about
is that I don't have any cooking spray in the house
that is my only recurring thought
for hours

My neighbor brings me a can of Pam she has in her house
now I can begin
this process
whatever this process is
this new road I am on
Where nothing is different
and everything has changed

I never knew it was possible to love her more than I have
but now I am
at a whole new level
clarity love time

It's funny what you need
to keep you whole

Thank you to all of you who have sent us love
Jessie is back at work
kicking ass as usual
Look out work

she is ready for a fight!

Teen Angst - Advice to gay parents "who know nothing!"

Dear Evolved Moms: Our teenage daughter (15) is in the depth of teenage angst. Dating, moods, anger... For the first time ever she has been saying that we couldn't possibly understand what she is going though as "we are lesbians and she is NOT". She has always been a huge supporter of our family and so proud that we were gay and out parents. How could she suddenly change so drastically? What can we do? We miss our baby girl! moms from Minnesota.

Dear Moms from Minnesota. Your baby girl is growing up. No matter how hard it is to accept, she is trying to separate from you, they all do and they all need to. I think you may be missing the point a bit. She does not sound to me like she is suddenly no longer supportive of your being gay, she just sounds like a teenager.

Sounds like she needs a few things from you:

1) Space
Although it sucks, we all must give the kids room to grow
even when we don't want to
they need to now they can fly
2) New conversation
It sounds like you need a new seat
she is not against you
or against being gay
she is finding herself
and maybe she does see you as different
Try to remember how you were when you were coming out
I was blue hair
Donahue talk show
serial dating
president of the GLBT club
in your face crazy

That's a teenager
pushing boundaries
to see where she fits
to try to find some meaning in all of her changes

Might be time to tell her what coming out felt like
I am assuming your parents were straight
and you couldn't relate
talk to her
she may need to hear you get it

3) hardest one
Maybe she needs someone else to talk to
an adult that she feels she can relate to right now
don't take it as threatening
or a diss
she loves you, your the moms and always will be
but the more trustworthy adult friends a kid has
in this big complicated world
the better

sounds like you raised an amazing kid
who is not shy about speaking her mind
and talking about her feelings
Very important skills I'd say!!

Let her be vocal
and give her love
you found your own path
help her find her own
she will find one
back to you
I assure you

But during the process
I also recommend for you guys
a kick boxing class, yoga and homeopathic stress remedies

No one said the teenage years
would be stress free

Good luck!

Evolved Mom Stacey

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Bathroom Quandary - Advice to two dads

Dear Evolved Moms: Where the hell is a family bathroom when you need one? Ron (my partner) and I were at the mall with our 5 year old daughter this weekend. She had to pee and, per usual, "NO FAMILY BATHROOMS!" When we took her in the men's room, people freaked out. She's not old enough to go alone to the ladies room. What can we do? -Tim

Hi Tim: Our seven year old son feels that he is ready to go in the men's room alone and I am totally not although he is VERY tall for his age and strong I just can't trust the world that much yet - nor a 7-year-old for that matter there are a million creeps in the world and although I try to believe that people are inherently good not so when it comes to my child's safety on top of that my son still forgets to look both ways crossing the street and never makes his bed and although he shows wisdom beyond his years he is interminably friendly to everyone he meets.

So here is my balance
when I know we are in a safe place
our MD office
a one stall public restroom
at ballet school...
I say okay, and let him go in the men's room
while I wait and look like a stalker outside
I usually though
force him to go into the women's room with me, which he hates!
this is ALWAYS interesting
as I look a bit like a boy and he almost a young man
many looks
but screw them all really
I need him safe
and we'd all really rather he pees, right?
third option - saved for VERY rare events
We went to a gay business expo in Boston
he was pitching a fit about wanting to use the men's room
I found a group of gay men going in
who had their own children with them
and I asked if they could take him in too
I paced outside the door
and in about 45 seconds my son returned happy as a clam
he had used the urinal
lovely for him
and also informed me that "Men don't use toilet paper"
lovely again.

So daddies remember this:

1) safety is key so just ignore the looks - she is more important than them anyway. And perhaps the onlookers might learn a thing or two about being a responsible and responsive parent!

2) occasional safe bathrooms exist and she will be so proud she went herself (although I still feel 5 is a bit too young)

3) When all else fails, look for like families and/or friends in common. But remember safety is way more important then the huge tantrum she will throw when you say no.

4) lastly - it is ALWAYS your right to barge into the opposite gender bathroom to check on her. That's a parent's job.

Please let me know how it goes and happy peeing!

Evolved Mom Stacey

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