Monday, October 29, 2007

Sex and Pareting - can they co-exist? Advice

Dear Evolved Moms: When our kids were little, other than being too tired, or having a baby in the bed with us, I had no worries about sex. But now that they are able to get around and understand the world a bit, I am constantly worried about them walking in on us, peeking in out of curiosity, and understanding what we are doing. Thinking about the kids is definitely putting a damper on things. Any advice? Love, two dads who love each other and want to love MORE!

Dear Love Dads, I hear ya! Kids can complicate things in the bedroom that’s for sure! Once the kids are out of your bed and you are feeling rested we all want to heat things up again in the bedroom! Worrying about what will happen to the kids if the see, hear or even thinking about kids can kill a mood for sure!

Friends of mine - two dads - told me this story recently. Their boys were in bed and they were...greatly enjoying each other in the middle of the night, when one of their twins opened the door and walked in.

Daddy A flew off the bed and crashed onto the floor full force. Daddy B buried himself under the covers

"What’s papa doing on the floor daddy?”
“I am looking for shoes son"
(try to hear this in a thick southern accent – so much funnier and just how they sounded!)
"you need them now?"
"Yes son, I need them right now"
"okay, can I have some water?"
"Sure son, as soon as I get the right pair of shows for tomorrow I’ll be right there"

Child was fine. Daddies laughed forever, and finished with each other after, a little boy was back in bed, and all three had a glass of much needed water.

Parenting does complicate sex
But it certainly does not end things
Like all aspects of parenting - sex needs to change a bit

Sneaking becomes more fun
An occasional sick day where you are both suddenly home is greatly recommended
Date nights
Heavily enforced nap/quiet times have been known to work for quick rendezvous
Don’t forget play dates!
Make it fun
Be inventive
I know it might not be fun to be more quiet
less crazy at certain times
or to have to plan a bit more
But just think of what you might be able to create with a bit of forethought!!

Kids won’t break or be permanently damaged by some strange noises
or the fact that you are suddenly locking the door
or having some date nights
or giggling and having inside jokes
You are still there if they need you - always
But dammit right now – your husband needs you!!
Both can easily exist
And must
So relax
Get creative
And enjoy each other boys!!

Evolved Mom Stacey

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Monday, October 15, 2007

Domestic or international adoption - Advice for the worried

Dear Evolved Moms: We have been researching the multitude of adoption options for gay men. We really wanted to go domestic but have been hearing horror stories from our friends, and my partners parents about birth moms who change their minds at the last minute and agencies who won't work with gay families. Do you think we should just cut our losses and go for China? Thanks so much. Mr. and Mr. Worried.

Hi worried dads-to-be. Don't go running off to Asia just yet. I have been getting lots of questions lately about birth moms and fears. So you are not alone on this one.

foreign or domestic
is a tricky roller coaster ride
state laws, country laws, agency policies
homophobia, racism, fear
same same same

Truly it is about what works for you.
China for example does not have super laws about gay adoption
We adopted in Louisiana
which was very hard
but our birth family was amazing
and they saved the day
hard both ways
same same same

Rest assured
There is no growing trend that birth moms
are all of the sudden changing their minds
Adoption is hard
for all involved
and obviously adding sexuality and race into the mix
can complicate things

I have always been a fan of domestic adoption
it worked for us
and for so many that we know
there are so many here who need home and parents to love them
and so many abroad too
same same same

I try to think about this:
When couples are trying to get pregnant
I always advise them
the advice will start to pour in
breeding fear and raising self doubt
did I take the right vitamin
am I exercising too much
why am I so moody
maybe I am not pregnant...
Once the cat is out of the bag
the world - especially family members
seem to feel compelled to share stories
Oh labor was terrible
I threw up for 9 months
I miscarried 4 times

Same too we found for adoption
Our friends had 3 children taken back by their birth moms
never quite fit in
unsure of their health....
my own father actually called to tell me the cancer rates along the Mississippi
when we told him the baby was to be born in Louisiana!
same same same

There are some situations that are harder than others
and yes
it does not work out
But the vast majority do
and are seamless and brilliant
fasten your seat belts
buy your Rescue Remedy and go to your yoga classes
this WILL BE stressful
and will not be the smoothest ride
but in the end
it will work out
and you and Mr. Worried will be blessed
with a new little something to worry about

Follow your own path
get good solid legal
and adoption agency advice
and try not to tell your moms, sisters, best friends, or even the mail carrier
but you can always tell me!

Good luck and Peace

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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

sewing ballet shoes

Today I sat in my new kitchen
and sewed elastic
into my sons ballet shoes
with a sewing kit
my mother made for me.
I balked at at the time
I thought I would never use it
Yet here I sat
suburban house
ballet shoes
sewing kit
wishing thimbles were more like the size of catchers mitts
so I could stop getting stuck by the damn needle
who knew I'd be here...
Parents often write to me
asking what it takes
to a be a good
well-rounded parent
As gay moms and dads I think we struggle
to try to do everything
be everything
as if something is lacking
to be a good parent
you must love unconditionally
and leap often into uncharted waters
that makes you the the most qualified
and best parent of all
my big lesbian self
sewed ballet shoes
they might not be perfect
but they are full of love
and I did it for him
that's parenting
that's love
(just hope the elastic holds!)