Monday, October 15, 2007

Domestic or international adoption - Advice for the worried

Dear Evolved Moms: We have been researching the multitude of adoption options for gay men. We really wanted to go domestic but have been hearing horror stories from our friends, and my partners parents about birth moms who change their minds at the last minute and agencies who won't work with gay families. Do you think we should just cut our losses and go for China? Thanks so much. Mr. and Mr. Worried.

Hi worried dads-to-be. Don't go running off to Asia just yet. I have been getting lots of questions lately about birth moms and fears. So you are not alone on this one.

foreign or domestic
is a tricky roller coaster ride
state laws, country laws, agency policies
homophobia, racism, fear
same same same

Truly it is about what works for you.
China for example does not have super laws about gay adoption
We adopted in Louisiana
which was very hard
but our birth family was amazing
and they saved the day
hard both ways
same same same

Rest assured
There is no growing trend that birth moms
are all of the sudden changing their minds
Adoption is hard
for all involved
and obviously adding sexuality and race into the mix
can complicate things

I have always been a fan of domestic adoption
it worked for us
and for so many that we know
there are so many here who need home and parents to love them
and so many abroad too
same same same

I try to think about this:
When couples are trying to get pregnant
I always advise them
the advice will start to pour in
breeding fear and raising self doubt
did I take the right vitamin
am I exercising too much
why am I so moody
maybe I am not pregnant...
Once the cat is out of the bag
the world - especially family members
seem to feel compelled to share stories
Oh labor was terrible
I threw up for 9 months
I miscarried 4 times

Same too we found for adoption
Our friends had 3 children taken back by their birth moms
never quite fit in
unsure of their health....
my own father actually called to tell me the cancer rates along the Mississippi
when we told him the baby was to be born in Louisiana!
same same same

There are some situations that are harder than others
and yes
it does not work out
But the vast majority do
and are seamless and brilliant
fasten your seat belts
buy your Rescue Remedy and go to your yoga classes
this WILL BE stressful
and will not be the smoothest ride
but in the end
it will work out
and you and Mr. Worried will be blessed
with a new little something to worry about

Follow your own path
get good solid legal
and adoption agency advice
and try not to tell your moms, sisters, best friends, or even the mail carrier
but you can always tell me!

Good luck and Peace

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At October 22, 2007 8:14 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jessie and Stacey,

I was wondering if you'd be interested in doing a guest post on the Family Equality Council Blog (formerly Family Pride's Blog) at Please send me an email at and let me know if you are interested.



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