Domestic or international adoption - Advice for the worried

Dear Evolved Moms: We have been researching the multitude of adoption options for gay men. We really wanted to go domestic but have been hearing horror stories from our friends, and my partners parents about birth moms who change their minds at the last minute and agencies who won't work with gay families. Do you think we should just cut our losses and go for China? Thanks so much. Mr. and Mr. Worried.

Hi worried dads-to-be. Don't go running off to Asia just yet. I have been getting lots of questions lately about birth moms and fears. So you are not alone on this one.

Adoption
foreign or domestic
is a tricky roller coaster ride
state laws, country laws, agency policies
homophobia, racism, fear
same same same

Truly it is about what works for you.
China for example does not have super laws about gay adoption
We adopted in Louisiana
which was very hard
but our birth family was amazing
and they saved the day
hard both ways
same same same

Rest assured
There is no growing trend that birth moms
are all of the sudden changing their minds
Adoption is hard
for all involved
and obviously adding sexuality and race into the mix
can complicate things

I have always been a fan of domestic adoption
it worked for us
and for so many that we know
there are so many here who need home and parents to love them
and so many abroad too
same same same

I try to think about this:
When couples are trying to get pregnant
I always advise them
DON'T TELL ANYONE
inevitably
the advice will start to pour in
breeding fear and raising self doubt
did I take the right vitamin
am I exercising too much
why am I so moody
maybe I am not pregnant...
Once the cat is out of the bag
the world - especially family members
seem to feel compelled to share stories
overshare
Oh labor was terrible
I threw up for 9 months
I miscarried 4 times

Same too we found for adoption
Our friends had 3 children taken back by their birth moms
never quite fit in
unsure of their health....
my own father actually called to tell me the cancer rates along the Mississippi
when we told him the baby was to be born in Louisiana!
same same same

DON'T LISTEN
There are some situations that are harder than others
and yes
sometimes
it does not work out
But the vast majority do
and are seamless and brilliant
none-the-less
fasten your seat belts
buy your Rescue Remedy and go to your yoga classes
this WILL BE stressful
and will not be the smoothest ride
but in the end
it will work out
and you and Mr. Worried will be blessed
with a new little something to worry about

Follow your own path
get good solid legal
and adoption agency advice
and try not to tell your moms, sisters, best friends, or even the mail carrier
but you can always tell me!

Good luck and Peace

gay adoption agencies - advice

Dear Evolved Moms: My sister and her partner are in the process of trying to adopt domestically. They got some bad news today that the agency they have been working with has a new director who is not as open to placing children with "non-traditional families". She is heartbroken. I am trying to do some research about other agencies that are open to placing children with gay parents. Do you have any leads, advice? Thanks very much. Beth


Dear Beth: You rock. Love the support from families!!

There are many agencies that "work" with gay families.
There are many agencies that do this secretly
and others overtly
some are Proud to have us
others seem to do this with bile in their throats
Some states are openly supportive - not too many
Some states outright ban it
So here is what I know:
Friends in adoption (FIA) in Vermont and
the Independent Adoption Center (many offices)
are the biggest and most supportive that I know of
I have only worked personally with FIA
and I know they pour their hearts and souls into each case
each!
Gay straight single married old young
same same same to them

That being said.
I live in a VERY cool state
we went with FIA - in Vermont
another very cool state
we were out out out
Our son's call came from Louisiana
a way uncool state (for this kinda stuff)
thus the rub
complications came up
homestudy needed to be rewritten
stress, time, stress

So here is what I think:
ask questions upfront
get referrals from friends
never promise anything you can't live with
when folks are desperate for a child they promise crazy things
visitation
specific religious practices
names....
not to be out...
You must feel comfortable
this WILL BE stressful so you need to feel cared for and loved
if not - move on to the next agency on your list

do not settle
do not compromise
do not allow yourself to be bullied.
and then call FIA and the International Adoption Center and see if they know of a place
near you.

A child is out there - needing your sister as a mom

Gay adoption (noun) a happy festive event where a child joins a loving and amazingly hip two mom or two dad or single gay mum or papa house. Much love and giggles ensue.
Gay Adoption (alt def) a much misunderstood and amazingly threatening subculture which actively scares the shit out of many conservatives and most Republicans.

Is my child having a gender issue? Advice to a worried family

Dear Evolved Moms: I was not sure who could help me. I am so freaked out. I am a straight mom (with a husband and three daughters - and one son - hope I can post here). My son, who is 10, keeps telling me he does not want to have a penis. He pee's sitting down and seems extremely quiet. My husband is devastated and does not want me to talk about it. What does this all mean? Is he gay? Does he want to be a girl? What should I do? -Patricia

Dear Patricia,

Of course you can post here! I am so glad you found us! All are welcome!

Okay - so here is what I think.

Many things might be happening here

or nothing at all

1) In a house of 3 sisters and a mom

even with a dad

your son might just want to be like you and your daughters

a compliment

I am sure you are all his heroes

2) Lets face it

most men really do not speak much

about sexuality

their anatomy

or share their feelings about these things - even with their sons

maybe he needs some hearts to hearts with dad about loving himself

and what guys are all about

3) Around this age

the penis begins to act up

saluting when you least want it

odd dreams and feelings

Clearly I am no expert

but I am sure it is quite embarrassing

and hard to control

Maybe a big embarrassing moment took place?

Boys in the locker room

or a first encounter

an erection at the chalk board?

4) Maybe he is have some gender questioning

but clearly you are a loving mom

if he is - talk to him

make sure dad listens and supports too

Find some great books, a therapist - for you guys to sort out your thoughts

has this been a long term issue or just this week?

I'd love to hear more

5) best news - he is telling you how he feels

so clearly you are in

and he trusts you

so talk to him

gay straight

boy girl

rich poor

lawyer or juggler

you will love him

your job is to support him

and assist him in his life

I know you will be amazing

because you took the time to listen to him

and reach out

please stay in touch

Evolved Mom - Stacey

white black brown - same same same

I took Zion to an audition
he wants to be famous
so we got him an agent.
we get calls
go for auditions
where he shines.

sometimes I can see the look
other parents
questioning our relationship
approving or damming
unsure and uncomfortable with difference
butchy woman
white
tall slender beautiful African young man
is this his foster mother?
guardian agent friend?

As I walked into the "green room"
another mom
unusual looking - like Iman
modelish
tall
very dark skin
nervous about her surroundings
first audition for her son
She held a baby on her lap
beautiful
maybe white, maybe Asian
big curls and no teeth
all cheeks

The mom looked at me shyly
she didn't even see us
didn't notice our difference
she said "no one ever thinks she's mine"
in her own world
prepared for judgement
as I always am
"my husband is Asian"
I laughed I smiled
no one ever thinks he's mine either

sameness
level
understanding
amazing moment

In the room of coffee and carbs
where the moms wait
she glanced at Z's pictures
she saw an image of my daughter
biracial
crazy hair
a knockout

Having black children
I am often given advice
usually unsolicited
from women of color
about my kids hair and skin
I am hyper aware of my duties
it gets my hackles up
it happens often
Like a beacon of bad parenting
or judgement

But in this moment
she asked me
for hair care advice for her daughter
she was nervous to ask
she was at a loss for what to do
a moment in time
amazing for me
amazing for her

white black brown
same same same