Monday, May 28, 2007

Daughters preferred?

Dear Evolved Moms: Do you know of a way to ensure that we conceive a daughter? As lesbians, as women, we really feel prepared to raise a girl. And we are not really sure we are open to a boy. Okay, in truth we really do not want a man in our lives. We don't really understand them on many levels. Any advice? Grace and Cory

Okay Ladies here it is: No
But no on several levels

I understand the question
you are women who love women
you have moments of "I really don't get it" with men
Maybe you are a separatist
Maybe you dislike men
Maybe you just really don't like the idea of having a boy around you
Maybe you knew you were a dyke
from the minute you were born
and have actually never seen a penis in person

But parenting gives no absolutes
there are no black and white answers or guarantees
in fact the opposite is true

If your daughter grows up and is straight
she may marry a man
She may sleep with men
she may have 3 sons for you to cherish and love
she may be a Republican
marry out of your religion
marry someone of another race
not marry at all
she may be homophobic
you just don't know

In parenting you will never have full control
the only rule
is that to be a parent
you must be ready to love fully
no matter what comes
health issues
you must love unconditionally

My son,
is a gift
I truly think he may turn out to be Alex P. Keaton
but I will love him fiercely

And let me just say this
I am a woman who loves a woman
a big dyke too
and I accept
that without men
there would be no world
To make your daughter you need to buy the sperm
that comes from men
and take that into your wife

To love a child
you must love completely
and let go of all else.

I understand the fear of difference
But when you get pregnant, your control is over.

In answer to your question:
I do not know of a
100% guaranteed way
to only conceive a daughter
There are many avenues people have tried
some work more than others
and I know you probably have
already researched
when during ovulation to inseminate
what position to be in
which sperm are faster...

But that is not what I feel matters
be ready to love your child completely
and then your child will come to you
But please wait, until you are ready
to fully love
no matter what


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Monday, May 21, 2007

Who should get pregnant first? Advice to queer moms to be. Who can't decide...

Dear Evolved Mom Stacey. My partner and I are ready!! We want to get pregnant, we have picked the donor, picked the OB, and picked the birthing program (so gay we are!) but we cannot decide who should get pregnant first. How did you all decide? Please help us!!! Sue and Cheyenne - mommies to be. Once we decide!

I just loved this question, I mean really, when the time feels right - and you both want it, who wouldn't want to be pregnant?

Well.. many actually. But for those of you who do here is my advice.

But first, a story:
About 8 years ago, while waiting for my Bar results to come in the mail
my partner (who does this to me often) says to me,
honey, lets get pregnant now. We are ready
She is a Pisces, a go with the flow girl
I am a Taurus, need I say more?
I always know she is right - I always need a minute to get there.
Once I could speak again my first question was
"which one of us should do it?"
we always knew we wanted kids, some by birth and also by adoption

This is what it came down to for us:
I was older (still am, by 6 years)
I had a job with AC and an elevator.
Done. That was it. end of story. decision made. I just love us.

Okay that was the easy part.
hindsight really is 20/20
so this is what happened next and what you should learn from.

For whatever reason that we and doctors could never figure out, I could not get pregnant.
months and months of fertility drugs, weight gain, and "you thought PMS was bad?"
looking back I think it was truly divine goddess intervention - but I digress

My partner on the other hand,
got pregnant the first time we went to the MD
5 days later was nauseous, and we knew

Real factors to consider in deciding who should get pregnant first:
1) Who can really handle having the sperm in them?
2) Who is really good with nausea, being uncomfortable, bloated, and awesome at working out and losing weight after?
3) Who is flexible with plans? Really able to change course at a moments notice. But sticks to a plan at the same time?
4) Who is super tough? Not "butch tough" but more - alias, tomb raider, cagney and lacey tough?

I truly think those are the only factors that matter and here is why.
And this is the honest truth.

1) Sperm was hard for me. No offense to men, but it was hard enough paying for it, just the thought of it in me made me nauseous. You want to embrace this as a loving process, when you are trying to convince yourself this is a chemical and not millions of tiny fish - it's hard to be open and lovingly maternal.

2) I suck at being sick. I am a wimp. I like chicken soup, don't like to be alone and although I don't whine, I am not sure I am a great patient either. Imagine that for 9 months plus an episiotomy!

3) As previously stated, I am a Taurus. Change is not my forte. Our birth plan was to have Jessie have the epidural. Our own doctor, family around... Peaceful. Baby came too fast. Need I say more... No doctor, no drugs, no family.

4) I have handled tattoos, broken ribs and a cracked collar bone. I'm a soft-butch. I skateboarded though my adolescence, rock-climb, kick box. But seeing what Jessie went through in her hours of labor. Honestly I don't think I could have done it - and I almost didn't make it through it in one piece - really! Embarrassing as it is - I almost passed out. Jessie loves telling that part.

So that's my advice. You both seem ready to be moms. You will be amazing! and really, it does not matter where the baby comes from, either of you, adoption, a surrogate. Your love will make this family.

But when it comes to the final choice.

Which ever one of you can best handle the:
sperm, discomfort, constant changes and pain should be the one.

In all honesty we are both truly thankful that it was not me. Really!

Be honest about what you can handle. and which one of you can really do it.

I was wrong wrong wrong. And I am so thankful she did it!
Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Stacey - Evolved Moms

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

We are back!

We are back from our hiatus.
We have spent the past few months
watching our children grow -
our son becoming a man
our daughter no longer a baby.
amazing really - time.
I have been sorting through hundreds of questions
from parents
like us
like you.
unsure and certain
afraid and brave
about parenting
about choices
about raising kids today
in this beautiful and crazy world.
What I have found
reading all of your amazing and insightful questions
is that we all need a place to connect
and share and learn from each other
and now.

A place where we can be wrong
and laugh at mistakes and empower others
and grow from others' brilliant moments
clarity moments
true hero parent moments.

Hence forth
Every Monday
we will be answering a new set of questions
and hopefully spending the week discussing it
with all of you

Questions from circumcision to peeing standing up
from Barbie to how to have crazy sex while your kids are asleep downstairs
advice and love and insight
we hope to share

please join us

and thank so much for waiting while we restructured things a bit

we look forward to all of your questions and insight

Stacey & Jessie

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