One Love - Advice to a closeted mom

Dear Evolved Moms: What is the best way to come out to your children? Mine are 7 and 5 and they have already been asking questions and want to see me kiss my girlfriend. I have explained a little bit to them. I told them that i liked girls...the kissing kind of like. They kind of understand, or so i thought. My daughter said, I'm gay because i like girls. like my friends at school and you... So i need some help explaining exactly what it means to be gay. Thanks

Dear Closeted Mom:

They know

in whatever way

a kid can understand

believe me

they get it

kids are super sensitive to difference

and wanting to fit in

They know your family looks different

and that had to not only be okay

but you need to be in charge of making it

almost a non issue

so when the comments fly

in 5th grade

or even when a curious 6 year old asks your kids where their daddy is

they can have a cool

non-defensive

and confident answer.

There is no room and no air to grow a family - in a closet.

I think all they need is love

and a little bit of exposure

the right words

and they will get it

Our kids are the same ages

But they have never had a day, when we weren't out

It's not about flaunting

its about living naturally

organically

and letting them see

that you are proud of who you are

We have told our kids

Our love is the same love

as other mommies and daddies have for each other

They know the words gay and lesbian-they say them loud at times

- even louder than we might be ready for

"hey mom? Is she gay" - they bellow across the park

We tell them that there are all kinds of love

and we make sure to have many kid appropriate books that show

families like ours

We go to gay family events from time to time

Contact Family Equality to see what is in your area

But the only important thing

is to be open and honest

teach them to be proud of you and of themselves by example

you have nothing to hide

and kids are funny

sometimes they really get it and don't need to know more

they will ask you if they do

In our house

we have hot a whole new level

sometimes the kids seem sad when I say

- you know guys, you might not be gay and that's okay!

we will love you like crazy no matter what you are

and no matter who you love!

Be open - be proud - teach pride

Evolved mama - Stacey

naming the baby - advice

Dear Evolved Moms: We are expecting a baby any day now. And just cannot decide on a name for her, or him... We don't want boring and don't want crazy. My wife wants to use a family name and I am unsure. The birth mom is having some beginning contractions - so time is of the essence. Any advice? sami


Dear Sami:

Congratz. When our son was born
we had no time at all
We signed up with an agency
and 4 months later we were
on a plane
flying to
louisianna
without a name
We had talked about family names
(Isaac Israel - my grandfather's - a bit of a burden we thought)

we decided on Zion
because
zion national park
is our most favorite place to be
on earth
beautful powerful and serene
it just
felt right
We also felt the name was nice and short
easy to write with a big fat crayon
hard to make rhyming teases out of
and
also
had meaning
"holy place"
perfect

As for his last name
we decided to all take my name (harris)
at the prompting of my mother
(which was sweet and sort if shocking for her back then)
Middle name
Sun for our son
because we are still hippies at heart.
Our daughters name
Torin
meaning tender and chief
found it in a magical names book
a perfect fit
she now has more nick names than we can count
torin sage
became
sagey
TT
baby sage
Tor
tiny
and her favorite
T Bone (really)



My advice
go with your gut
feel no pressure from others
and just try to make sure
it's a name that's hard to tease with
spacey stacey was not fun


also - I notice in Torins Pre-K class
that kids with big names
like christopher
madelinne
charolette
simmerin
really struggle to get their names on paper
I think shorter
or at leat a quick nickname is good


I try to think of what life would be like
for a tomboy like me
if my name had been
daisy
or lilly
and I am thankful
for a more neutral name
like stacey

and lastly
as gay as we are
I don't think our kids need to have names like
sappho
labryis
kinsey...
and just how many ellen
melissa's or Amy's can there really be in our community?


your child with make a name for themselves
regardless of the name
you give them
on paper
enjoy the process
and go with what feels right to you


By the way
I have never liked my name
could have been worse
but I have never
felt like it fit
so maybe
regardless of what we do as parents
our kids will want to find their own
that fits who they are as they find our who they are

I am on the lookout for a nickname that works
when I travel
most folks call me Boston
and I kinda like it now


blessings to the new little one!
Send us a picture - with the name!

Who should get pregnant first? Advice to queer moms to be. Who can't decide...

Dear Evolved Mom Stacey. My partner and I are ready!! We want to get pregnant, we have picked the donor, picked the OB, and picked the birthing program (so gay we are!) but we cannot decide who should get pregnant first. How did you all decide? Please help us!!! Sue and Cheyenne - mommies to be. Once we decide!

I just loved this question, I mean really, when the time feels right - and you both want it, who wouldn't want to be pregnant?

Well.. many actually. But for those of you who do here is my advice.

But first, a story:
About 8 years ago, while waiting for my Bar results to come in the mail
my partner (who does this to me often) says to me,
honey, lets get pregnant now. We are ready
She is a Pisces, a go with the flow girl
I am a Taurus, need I say more?
I always know she is right - I always need a minute to get there.
Once I could speak again my first question was
"which one of us should do it?"
we always knew we wanted kids, some by birth and also by adoption

This is what it came down to for us:
I was older (still am, by 6 years)
I had a job with AC and an elevator.
Done. That was it. end of story. decision made. I just love us.

Okay that was the easy part.
hindsight really is 20/20
so this is what happened next and what you should learn from.

For whatever reason that we and doctors could never figure out, I could not get pregnant.
months and months of fertility drugs, weight gain, and "you thought PMS was bad?"
looking back I think it was truly divine goddess intervention - but I digress

My partner on the other hand,
got pregnant the first time we went to the MD
5 days later was nauseous, and we knew

Real factors to consider in deciding who should get pregnant first:
1) Who can really handle having the sperm in them?
2) Who is really good with nausea, being uncomfortable, bloated, and awesome at working out and losing weight after?
3) Who is flexible with plans? Really able to change course at a moments notice. But sticks to a plan at the same time?
4) Who is super tough? Not "butch tough" but more - alias, tomb raider, cagney and lacey tough?

I truly think those are the only factors that matter and here is why.
And this is the honest truth.

1) Sperm was hard for me. No offense to men, but it was hard enough paying for it, just the thought of it in me made me nauseous. You want to embrace this as a loving process, when you are trying to convince yourself this is a chemical and not millions of tiny fish - it's hard to be open and lovingly maternal.

2) I suck at being sick. I am a wimp. I like chicken soup, don't like to be alone and although I don't whine, I am not sure I am a great patient either. Imagine that for 9 months plus an episiotomy!

3) As previously stated, I am a Taurus. Change is not my forte. Our birth plan was to have Jessie have the epidural. Our own doctor, family around... Peaceful. Baby came too fast. Need I say more... No doctor, no drugs, no family.

4) I have handled tattoos, broken ribs and a cracked collar bone. I'm a soft-butch. I skateboarded though my adolescence, rock-climb, kick box. But seeing what Jessie went through in her hours of labor. Honestly I don't think I could have done it - and I almost didn't make it through it in one piece - really! Embarrassing as it is - I almost passed out. Jessie loves telling that part.

So that's my advice. You both seem ready to be moms. You will be amazing! and really, it does not matter where the baby comes from, either of you, adoption, a surrogate. Your love will make this family.

But when it comes to the final choice.

Remember:
Which ever one of you can best handle the:
sperm, discomfort, constant changes and pain should be the one.

In all honesty we are both truly thankful that it was not me. Really!

Be honest about what you can handle. and which one of you can really do it.

I was wrong wrong wrong. And I am so thankful she did it!
Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Stacey - Evolved Moms