Friday, June 12, 2009

ahh the rollercoaster! Advice to a sad dad.

Dear Evolved Moms:
We adopted our son five months ago, he is now one. I have been home the whole time but now I must return to work. I am feeling torn between being with him and losing my mind being home. Can anyone but us care for him like we do? The job is okay – pays the bills but my husband and I have to work to keep on moving up. Will he be okay? Will I?

Sad Pop

Dear Sad Pop:

Welcome to the rollercoaster of parenting man. And this is just the first stop!
I learned very early on
That I knew nothing about parenting
And our son taught me everything
When he smiled – I knew I did it right
When he cried I knew it was wrong
As soon as I had something down pat, suddenly, he grew
And that skill no longer worked
Parenting is about playing catch up
Every six months
They seem to fully evolve
Listening to your kids and learning with them each day
Letting them lead the way

But the bigger lessons are about life
What do you spend time on, what gives a bit, what matters most?

We have always felt that family comes first
But still work, meetings, people, cleaning – life seems to get in the way of life
A year ago last October
My wife was diagnosed with MS
And clearly it was time for a life pause
Not everyone needs such a universal wakeup call
But for us it was an important moment
don’t get me wrong – MS way sucks
but it also gave us a bit of a blessing

The little shit in life just doesn’t matter
People bickering at work
Bad drivers
Family politics
People who waste my time
Sweeping the floor
Hours of being home or away
It all suddenly mattered less

I am not saying quit your job and move your gay family to the woods either
But all of the details
The stresses
The bull
Make it matter less
Your boy is going to get older no matter what
He will love you in a big house or a small one
With a huge job or part-time one
In childcare or homeschooled
He will love you
No matter what you do
He will love you
But he needs you happy
Satisfied by life

We have a short time
To enjoy and celebrate our families
This time around
In this life
I am going to savor every moment

When my wife and I need to go out
So be it – we get a sitter
If we want to stay in – super we are with the kids
No childcare
Work or don’t work
Some are made to home school
Some are not
Some are made to work 80 hours a week
Some are not
What matters is the happiness
Find work your love
Find hobbies you enjoy
Love your family
And enjoy

It’s less about the time
Of course others can care for him

It’s the stress and worry that take time
and quality away

no worries, be happy now
do do do do do do do do do do do do don’t worry…

Evolved Mom - Stacey

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Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Fresh vs frozen?

Dear Evolved Moms:

Okay we are ready to get prego! But, there are so many options of places and ways to get sperm, how do we know which road is best? We could use her brother (they look alike), frozen anon sperm, a friend.... Please help us!
mary and meg

Hey Mary and Meg,

I get asked this question often
and I could give you all of the pros and cons
of fresh vs frozen
talk about the best sperm banks
and the good bad and ugly of using a friend
but I figure
you are asking me because you know I am opinionated
so I am just going tell you what I think.

Using a sib, or any donor
to create someone that "looks" like both of you
is kind of false
the baby WILL be both of yours
just not biologically
so throw the "look" piece out

a small healthy bundle
with as few complications and red tape as possible is the goal

Throw the friend idea out too
you are good people
that says to me
that your friends are good people
good people
see babies that are biologically theirs
and naturally want to connect
complicated and messy
regardless of intent and love

a guy you meet at a bar
no attachments
also no trust
lots of potential yucky ailments and issues
complicated, okay gross too! (I guess free though)

Frozen anonymous pop
"A" answer in my book
pre-screened and tested for all medical issues
can be delivered to your door
no red tape
no legal documents
no third party emotions

and as long as I am being opinionated
Small plug - California Cryobank - a personal favorite
great history
good practices
and even a generic attractiveness scale of the donor!

no matter which road you choose
you will still need to figure out how to handle the yucky stuff
will you do it at home or have your OB do it?
ovulation kits, vitamins, yoga...
so much to do
so much to decide

I say for the sperm
take the easy road.

good luck! Can't wait to hear how it goes!

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Monday, June 01, 2009

seperate and not equal

Dear Evolved Moms:
This winter I went skiing with my whole family, my wife and kids and my sister and her partner and kids, a few cousins and our parents. Our whole family is super accepting of my sister being gay and her family is treated exactly the same as mine. I am writing because the whole week my sister kept making me feel like her family was in some way… better, I don’t know, more important, more unique than mine. I thought we were al l the same now, equal – especially in this family. What do you think I should do?
Straight Brother Markus

Hey Brother Markus!
First off – LOVE YOU! For your support
Your love of family and your sister
For being there and caring enough to ask

You are totally right and also a bit not all at the same time
We do all WANT equality and we all feel the same inside
We have the same talks in our homes
Same dreams
We all hate to clean (unless we are PMSing)
We all dream for our children
Clean the kitty litter boxes with disgust
Stress and laugh
We all give love and want love
We all want approval
But Brother Markus
Things are not the same

Let me break it down

When you go skiing in Utah
Life is always easy
Amazing snow
Great temperatures
Chairlifts go right to the base of the mountain
Life is good
Most of the time you can ski and get a tan all in one day
And that is what it is like in the US for a man and women to get married
And have a family
There is no hitch, no limit, no barrier

Now not so long ago in the US
Gay marriage and the creation of gay families
Were like skiing on the desert of Nevada in august
Just could not happen

Now I would say
It’s a bit more like skiing in New England
You never know the weather
You will need a lot of help from snow machines and luck to make it happen
Sometimes it will work
But most of the time there will be ice and rocks and
Long lines and frost bite
And impassible roads
and it’s really damn expensive!
And on some days,
If yu are extremely luck
And patient
And live IN new England (or Iowa) you just might have a good day of skiing

You see your sister
Like all gay people who want a family
Still has to fight for her rights
For equal treatment
Even in Iowa
Or Vermont
Or even Massachusetts

We are burdened with explaining a lot
We teach all the time
Just by existing
We have to protect ourselves
Filter input
Choose battles
And protect our kids
In very different way that you have to
Every day
Day after day
We have extra burdens still
Historic, legal and real

Even in an amazing families like yours
That love and accept – there was still a journey
Years of fear, DOMA, prop 8, don’t ask don’t tell
We are seperate and not equal
Not yet…

On your road to marriage and family I am sure there were twists and turns
But for your sister
There were roadblocks
Emotional, legal, physical
And to get to the end
To marriage and family
Took muscle
Took skill
Took bravery
Took planning
Took money
Took time

You two are the same
Family is the same
Love is the same
But our roads
Our not yet equal
And are a long way from being flat
Thank you for loving her
And caring
That is what will lessen the load

Evolved mom Stacey

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