Monday, May 21, 2007

Who should get pregnant first? Advice to queer moms to be. Who can't decide...

Dear Evolved Mom Stacey. My partner and I are ready!! We want to get pregnant, we have picked the donor, picked the OB, and picked the birthing program (so gay we are!) but we cannot decide who should get pregnant first. How did you all decide? Please help us!!! Sue and Cheyenne - mommies to be. Once we decide!

I just loved this question, I mean really, when the time feels right - and you both want it, who wouldn't want to be pregnant?

Well.. many actually. But for those of you who do here is my advice.

But first, a story:
About 8 years ago, while waiting for my Bar results to come in the mail
my partner (who does this to me often) says to me,
honey, lets get pregnant now. We are ready
She is a Pisces, a go with the flow girl
I am a Taurus, need I say more?
I always know she is right - I always need a minute to get there.
Once I could speak again my first question was
"which one of us should do it?"
we always knew we wanted kids, some by birth and also by adoption

This is what it came down to for us:
I was older (still am, by 6 years)
I had a job with AC and an elevator.
Done. That was it. end of story. decision made. I just love us.

Okay that was the easy part.
hindsight really is 20/20
so this is what happened next and what you should learn from.

For whatever reason that we and doctors could never figure out, I could not get pregnant.
months and months of fertility drugs, weight gain, and "you thought PMS was bad?"
looking back I think it was truly divine goddess intervention - but I digress

My partner on the other hand,
got pregnant the first time we went to the MD
5 days later was nauseous, and we knew

Real factors to consider in deciding who should get pregnant first:
1) Who can really handle having the sperm in them?
2) Who is really good with nausea, being uncomfortable, bloated, and awesome at working out and losing weight after?
3) Who is flexible with plans? Really able to change course at a moments notice. But sticks to a plan at the same time?
4) Who is super tough? Not "butch tough" but more - alias, tomb raider, cagney and lacey tough?

I truly think those are the only factors that matter and here is why.
And this is the honest truth.

1) Sperm was hard for me. No offense to men, but it was hard enough paying for it, just the thought of it in me made me nauseous. You want to embrace this as a loving process, when you are trying to convince yourself this is a chemical and not millions of tiny fish - it's hard to be open and lovingly maternal.

2) I suck at being sick. I am a wimp. I like chicken soup, don't like to be alone and although I don't whine, I am not sure I am a great patient either. Imagine that for 9 months plus an episiotomy!

3) As previously stated, I am a Taurus. Change is not my forte. Our birth plan was to have Jessie have the epidural. Our own doctor, family around... Peaceful. Baby came too fast. Need I say more... No doctor, no drugs, no family.

4) I have handled tattoos, broken ribs and a cracked collar bone. I'm a soft-butch. I skateboarded though my adolescence, rock-climb, kick box. But seeing what Jessie went through in her hours of labor. Honestly I don't think I could have done it - and I almost didn't make it through it in one piece - really! Embarrassing as it is - I almost passed out. Jessie loves telling that part.

So that's my advice. You both seem ready to be moms. You will be amazing! and really, it does not matter where the baby comes from, either of you, adoption, a surrogate. Your love will make this family.

But when it comes to the final choice.

Which ever one of you can best handle the:
sperm, discomfort, constant changes and pain should be the one.

In all honesty we are both truly thankful that it was not me. Really!

Be honest about what you can handle. and which one of you can really do it.

I was wrong wrong wrong. And I am so thankful she did it!
Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Stacey - Evolved Moms

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At November 24, 2009 6:14 AM , Blogger sasha said...

awesome blog
thanks for this blog
here is a blog about women health
and tubal reversal
tubal reversal


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