Monday, November 19, 2007

Pam

4 weeks ago
this past friday
Jessie, my wife
said her eye was bugging her
it had been for 2 days
conjunctivitis she thought or maybe a weird cold
Oprah was on the news that thursday
saying women don't get the health care they need
Oprah had a thyroid issue
she didn't know
Jessie, I said
Oprah said you need to go to the MD
Women don't go when they should
Okay honey, she said
she set up a time on friday
4 weeks ago
We awoke and drove in separate cars
to the kids school
parent teacher conferences
The meetings were great and loving and insightful
lots to love a little bits to work on
just like our kids
I drove home
Jessie drove to the eye doctor
and then
I didn't hear from her
hours passed
I couldn't reach her
I picked up the kids
went home
waited
waited waited
we usually talk compulsively
like adolescent school girls in love
I remember
Torin was playing dress up
Zion playing Piano
I was about to start a movie
Jessie called
There is a problem
with my eye
I need to be hospitalized
please come

BLUR

grabbed Torin, in dress up clothing, no pants
throw kids in car
stay calm
heart racing
called a friend to get the kids
zion is crying
I think
I talk to jessie
she is scared
its pouring
lightning
thunder
I can't drive fast enough
trade kids in the lot of the Ground Round
Zion is crying
I am alone with Jessie
We go to the ER

BLUR

test

BLUR

no vision

BLUR

heart racing

BLUR

Diagnosis

Jessie has MS. . .

BLUR

no answers
time passes
4 days in the hospital
to get her vision back
phone calls
flowers
childcare
feigning normalcy
Intense love
intense fear
I drive the kids home
to live life
for them
what should I be doing
What do I need everyone asks

all I can think about
is that I don't have any cooking spray in the house
that is my only recurring thought
for hours

My neighbor brings me a can of Pam she has in her house
relief
now I can begin
this process
whatever this process is
this new road I am on
Where nothing is different
and everything has changed

I never knew it was possible to love her more than I have
but now I am
at a whole new level
clarity love time

It's funny what you need
to keep you whole

Thank you to all of you who have sent us love
Jessie is back at work
kicking ass as usual
Look out work

she is ready for a fight!

2 Comments:

At November 27, 2007 9:08 AM , Blogger Jamie said...

Wow, what an intensely painful experience. I could feel the struggle through your beautifully written words.

Holding a healing space for you and your beautiful family. Stay strong, spread love and remember to laugh. Laughter can get you through a lot.

To Jessie...fight the fight!!

 
At December 06, 2007 5:46 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

O you guys...

Just read this and have no words that are anything like useful or helpful.

My wife and I met you both the last two years at San Diego Pride...sending much love and strength your way.

"Keep loving...keep fighting."

Suz, Lisa, Trevor, and Jake (due 3/08)

 

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