Pam

4 weeks ago

this past friday

Jessie, my wife

said her eye was bugging her

it had been for 2 days

conjunctivitis she thought or maybe a weird cold

Oprah was on the news that thursday

saying women don't get the health care they need

Oprah had a thyroid issue

she didn't know

Jessie, I said

Oprah said you need to go to the MD

Women don't go when they should

Okay honey, she said

she set up a time on friday

4 weeks ago

We awoke and drove in separate cars

to the kids school

parent teacher conferences

The meetings were great and loving and insightful

lots to love a little bits to work on

just like our kids

I drove home

Jessie drove to the eye doctor

and then

I didn't hear from her

hours passed

I couldn't reach her

I picked up the kids

went home

waited

waited waited

we usually talk compulsively

like adolescent school girls in love

I remember

Torin was playing dress up

Zion playing Piano

I was about to start a movie

Jessie called

There is a problem

with my eye

I need to be hospitalized

please come

BLUR

grabbed Torin, in dress up clothing, no pants

throw kids in car

stay calm

heart racing

called a friend to get the kids

zion is crying

I think

I talk to jessie

she is scared

its pouring

lightning

thunder

I can't drive fast enough

trade kids in the lot of the Ground Round

Zion is crying

I am alone with Jessie

We go to the ER

BLUR

test

BLUR

no vision

BLUR

heart racing

BLUR

Diagnosis

Jessie has MS. . .

BLUR

no answers

time passes

4 days in the hospital

to get her vision back

phone calls

flowers

childcare

feigning normalcy

Intense love

intense fear

I drive the kids home

to live life

for them

what should I be doing

What do I need everyone asks

all I can think about

is that I don't have any cooking spray in the house

that is my only recurring thought

for hours

My neighbor brings me a can of Pam she has in her house

relief

now I can begin

this process

whatever this process is

this new road I am on

Where nothing is different

and everything has changed

I never knew it was possible to love her more than I have

but now I am

at a whole new level

clarity love time

It's funny what you need

to keep you whole

Thank you to all of you who have sent us love

Jessie is back at work

kicking ass as usual

Look out work

she is ready for a fight!