Monday, June 04, 2007

What is a family - Advice

Dear Evolved Moms,

My parents, in no uncertain terms, HATE that I am gay. They refused to attend my wedding and now that we are pregnant, I know will not be involved as grandparents. I hate this. My happy = they are sad and angry. I cannot win. What can I do? From Alone.

Dear Alone. You are not alone. In my life - family is what you create.
This is some of my family. My partner, my son and daughter (neither biologically from me) my best friend since 16, her husband and their son Sky, who is their cousin.

For many years I felt I walked alone
Even when my “family” was there
My parents always seemed to want me different
Tried to change me
Send me away, to get helpinterveneinterfere
But really
It was to make meJust like them
And less like me

When I found happiness and love
Away from them
They were not happy for me
Like you, they did not attend my wedding 13 years ago
In fact, they left the country for a trip
Although not much later,
They were willing to fly to another country, for a friends wedding
- interesting I thought

She is too young for you, said my mother
Once she told a woman – “she will be with a man next”
But truly she was the least of my worries, my father far worse,
on many levels
As time went on and our love grew
We learned to be a family differently from the restBetter I think
Different in that we do not argue or scream
I do not ask her to change
And I love her unconditionally
When our children came
we shared that love and teaching with them
We chose grandparents, aunts and uncles
Godparents and friends
Who also love them unconditionally
And our family of love I feel is now bursting
And amazing

To be fair
My mother
Who I never thought would evolve
Has truly evolved
She is a great grandma
And three years ago
When marriage became legal here she came,
with flowers and asked us to kiss for a picture
She has consistently been there ever since
But so have the scars of the past
And honestly
My father
Is completely unchanged
And darkAnd I have let that struggle goAnd you may too

Sometimes it is not what we lack
It is what we create that fulfills
I do not compare us to other families,
We are different
And stronger I feel

Do I morn the traditional parents?
Of course
Do I hate the past?
Of course
Do I rage?
At timesDo I cry when there are few to help with the kids?Few birthday cards?Few people to visit?SometimesAm I jealous?Occasionally
Do I hate?
Less and less
But would ever trade my happiness
for any false family or half loveNEVER.
Your family is how you love and with whom you love
Focus on the blessings, it sounds like there are many
Allow yourself to morn
be proud
Change for no one
And teach that amazing baby
to love

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