Internet Addition and Tweens

This is what I posted on my son's Facebook page today - What, Facebook?  Yup, thats what I said!

THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM ZION’S MOMS: Zion is 12 years old and is NOT allowed a Facebook page. This is something he knew very well. Zion chose to use my computer, stay up all night and chat with all of you. He created this on a school computer, also against the rules. I see several of you on here who are also too young to have accounts, are your parents aware??? Maybe they should be. I also see that many of you are doing this during the day or well into the night. Also interesting. Please do NOT communicate with Zion on Facebook nor cellphone. He is in significant trouble for doing this and has lost our trust and our respect. I see a generation of people addicted to the internet. Kids who have no attention span and seem incapable of functioning without their technology pacifiers. There is a whole world out here to enjoy. My advice, be careful how you communicate - what you say on the internet lasts forever. Be aware of what rules you choose to break - it might be YOUR parents here next on YOUR page. You have no idea how the silly cute things you think you say here will affect your future. Jobs, interviews, college. What you do here, this is your first resume. Your first introduction to the world. Welcome to the world, Zion. This is what people will remember.

A Second Pause

A second pause: So I took some crap yesterday on this post - both on and off facebook. So let me be clear:

Throughout history, up to and including present day, the majority had pushed, shoved and forced the minority to bend, to compromise, to accept less than, to give up and break. My marriage is not equal in this country, I do not share the same benefits, I have fears that are a reality regardin

g my family safety and my spouse and healthcare and hate crimes. I drop her hand in public when it is not safe, I don't kiss her at school so that others are comfortable. WE have always had less and lived with less and felt thankful for the slow moving progress where it could be seen. We HOPED for acceptance for years, QUESTIONED our safety daily - in large cities and small, CRIED at the lack of equality in this nation. I bend and bend and bend.

One day, when I am equal to you, when my rights are the same as yours, my family protected - on that day, I will begin to compromise. BUT do NOT DARE to ask me to bend one more time, compromise one more ideal, break one more promise to my children of an equal tomorrow. I have a right to be angry. I have less and am aghast that others, you know who you are, did not care about our rights, my rights, my children's safety, women, nor even freedom. Do not dare to ask me to bend again. This is why women and gays and many groups stay down. Because at the first sign of progress, we were taught to be thankful for the small morsel of equality we received. We are told, look we accept you here, isn't that enough?!? It is NOT enough. I am thankful that we have a beginning and I will not bend again. I will fight until we are all equal.

And by the way - this page is mine. If you don't like it - don't read it.

A Brief Pause

A brief pause: 
Its so clear to me now after the election. That those people I know who voted for Romney, have never faced oppression, never lived in fear of being denied access to a sick spouse or denied benefits, never worried about two parent adoptions or hate crimes. Never actually struggled with money. When your only concern is financial, when you are wealthy enough to buy your right to cho

ose, or healthcare or a third home, you don't need to worry about those smaller things - like fundamental rights. They don't touch you. And you feel free to not care. But now, for four more years I feel safe, I feel my family is safe, and now that I can relax I can see clearly. And I am ashamed at all of you who took this vote for granted. You took my family for granted. And truly I am embarrassed by you and sad for you and for what you do not feel and see and understand and live. I have standing to be angry. Your vote could have hurt my family. And thankfully we won. And you are now about to enter four years with MY PRESIDENT.

I grew up a kid who struggled to learn to read. 
In a system that recognized dyslexia as a boy thing. 
all else was laziness
over chattiness

she is so verbal

cant possibly be her learning

she does not try

I was alternatively schooled
focus was on behavior and not learning. 
for years.....
In law school
I read every case out loud to Jessie, 
over coffee at a small cafe on Newbury street
or in our small apt
under lamplight
it was painful
and embarrassing
and romantic


I fear libraries 
shied away from reading to the kids at first. 
But slowly found my footing
forcing myself to read aloud
disregarding the stuttering

the tripping over any word I had not seen

had not memorized

Today, at 43, I cried at a book, 
or a book made me cry, 
for the first time ever.
amazing. scary. brilliant.
heart pounding and unfamiliar
I look for reassurance that this is normal
I realize I have missed so much
heart slowing down
I am ecstatic and exhausted 


43 is gonna be a great year.

History of Me

Sometimes

I wonder

how history affects me

mine and the world's

I have black children

From the beginning I have dressed them up

perhaps over dressed to the point of preppy

shiny, polite, knowing appropriate manners and etiquette

so no one could ever judge, point, assume, falsely accuse

but of course the judgement comes

by virtue of life and history and the color of their skin

I wonder how much my history affects our daily lives

I was born to an american army doctor

who was given a choice

Vietnam or Munich

even so close after the Holocaust - Germany seemed safer

I was born to Jews

who were snuck matzoh by the army base priest

to parents who chose a Catholic name for their son and put him in catholic school

in Germany

I was born there.

While my father delivered another baby, I came to be

back in America

I went to Hebrew school, never said cancer or poop or sex, out loud

at 13 my head was x-rayed

while getting my braces on

for my nose job

it was expected of me

that was my mother's history

to blend

and still I wonder how much it has dictated and

on some level

directed my life

my kids' lives

We live in a world that is so fast

technology

politics

TMZ

we forget the past but it still seems to have control

I am a radical

I am conservative

I believe in monogamy

marriage

I am anti-drug

I am sober

I believe kids need a parent at home

I am a lesbian

I have tattoos

my children are black

I am spiritual

magical

Pagan

I am adamant to the point of rage about gay marriage and equality

I believe women have the right to control their bodies

and to abortion

but I know I could never have one

am I a walking contradiction?

or am I the new world

I acknowledge

that history

world and mine

informs my every move

and that of my family

I accept that I will try to cure all ails with food

but I will also love

I accept that I will never (loudly) say cancer or poop

but I will speak honestly of them when asked.

I can say sex loudly. got over that one.

and I did NOT have my nose fixed

so mote it be

Mr. Pres. Thanks.

I don't need the Constitution

to show me

how amazing

and true

and blessed I am

by this love

but I would be damn happy

to have it

Hell yes.

Thanks Man

Olive

We drove though

our small new england town

at the side of the road

we saw the most perfect traditional snow man

only the carrot was removed - hole still there

and the carrot was very happily replaced much lower

some 10 year old boys having fun with their new

penis man

when we got home

Torin said she was going to make a snow person

but she needed an olive

hee. Love her

I guess when you are 7, that is about the size of your vagina

equality for snow people

equal representation

go get that olive babe!

Oh what a year!

So its been a long time
and I have missed this blog
we have quite a year
keeping me away from this place that I love and need

a flood
a flood hurting our home and greatly damaging our business
and a rebuild
health and repair
stress and elation

and now I am back
where I love to be

and life is back to it's crazy roller coaster

Torin our 7 year old jock
was invited to town wide soccer "Father daughter dance" OY
of course when I wrote to them suggesting that this archaic ritual be updated
no response
shocker
Zion - now 10
will be dancing 7 weeks this summer. Ballet only
and we live in a world of first crushes and deodorant
Jessie is strong and MS is at bay - amazing as ever

and I sit at this desk
where I consult half-time
and think
I am blessed
and still
I'd rather do stand up

So glad to be back!

self control

Dear Evolved Moms, why are some people just crappy parents?? It seems no matter how involved we are, how many good lessons we teach, how much we listen and care and do what we need to do to help our daughter learn the right things, some other kids comes along and pushes her, or swears or talks about a show we don't allow. I just want scream at all of the other parents who don't get it. What is wrong with people?? Daddy Bill

Hi Daddy Bill,

I so hear you! And I
for the longest time
was the parent who would intervene
yell at the kid pushing my kid
talk to the other parents about their kid
scold
make evil eyes at the misbehaving kid
nothing subtle - not that I am capable of that anyway

But over time
I have learned a very valuable lesson
and the sooner you learn it
and teach it to your kid
the better your like will be

first - yes - many other parents suck at the parenting job
they don't make their kids brush their teeth
show them MTV at 7 years old
have few limits on bedtime
backtalk
violence
media and video games
leave them unsupervised
in fact during family week on the cape
two kids (9 ish) kept coming onto our store
without parents
they would sit and play for an hour
no intention of buying anything
just playing - loudly
finally I went in search of said parents
and found the sitting on a bench outside
many stores away
they told me, oh we trust them......
so i told the kid, most people come into shop
do you know this is not a playground?? Play for 5 more and then go
that did it..

okay, number 2
your kid needs to learn to fight her own battles
I suck at this one but it's true
she needs to decide what you taught her is right
and use it
help her find a sentence to say over and over
like "that's not cool"..

okay #3 this is the big one
no matter how much you want to
you cannot control
anyone but yourself
the harder you try the more you will fail
I always fail
you cannot worry about those kids (unless there is danger of course..)
just teach her the rules and over time
she will fully integrate them
and begin to self-parent in those situations

I am a control freak
to the max really
I have an extremely shy kid
no matter what
she will not tell someone... a friend or teacher
when she is unhappy or someone has done her wrong
at home she is loud as all get out!

yesterday she began to cry before gymnastics
a sport she loves more than life
she has been hesitant about going
we thought she was tired, or it was too extreme for her
just before going onto the floor, tears rolling down her 6 year old face
she whispered to me,

the girls are always cutting me in line
pushing into their space
talking at me
bossing
I don't want to go
and she was willing to quit
rather than do something
to stop their behavior

my shy girl would not say stop, or no or I don't like that
and I wanted to rip their little heads off
self control...
this is her life
her lesson to learn

I said T
hold your ground
don't move from your spot
if you can't say no yet
tell the coach
and hold your ground show them it's your gym, your place too!

together we spoke to the coach
who was super
T wiped her eyes and went to the floor to begin
the coach must have scolded the girls because T smiled for
3 hours of the workout

and for the first time
in my parenting life
I did not get in trouble
for meddling with badly parented kids
and she became stronger!
win for T
win for me

we can only control ourselves
Good luck Bill!

ahh the rollercoaster! Advice to a sad dad.

Dear Evolved Moms:
We adopted our son five months ago, he is now one. I have been home the whole time but now I must return to work. I am feeling torn between being with him and losing my mind being home. Can anyone but us care for him like we do? The job is okay – pays the bills but my husband and I have to work to keep on moving up. Will he be okay? Will I?

Sad Pop


Dear Sad Pop:

Welcome to the rollercoaster of parenting man. And this is just the first stop!
I learned very early on
That I knew nothing about parenting
And our son taught me everything
When he smiled – I knew I did it right
When he cried I knew it was wrong
As soon as I had something down pat, suddenly, he grew
And that skill no longer worked
Parenting is about playing catch up
Every six months
They seem to fully evolve
Listening to your kids and learning with them each day
Letting them lead the way

But the bigger lessons are about life
Balance
Time
What do you spend time on, what gives a bit, what matters most?

We have always felt that family comes first
But still work, meetings, people, cleaning – life seems to get in the way of life
A year ago last October
My wife was diagnosed with MS
And clearly it was time for a life pause
Not everyone needs such a universal wakeup call
But for us it was an important moment
don’t get me wrong – MS way sucks
but it also gave us a bit of a blessing

Suddenly
The little shit in life just doesn’t matter
People bickering at work
Bad drivers
Family politics
People who waste my time
Sweeping the floor
Hours of being home or away
stress
It all suddenly mattered less

I am not saying quit your job and move your gay family to the woods either
But all of the details
The stresses
The bull
Make it matter less
Your boy is going to get older no matter what
He will love you in a big house or a small one
With a huge job or part-time one
In childcare or homeschooled
He will love you
No matter what you do
He will love you
But he needs you happy
Unstressed
Satisfied by life

We have a short time
To enjoy and celebrate our families
This time around
In this life
I am going to savor every moment

When my wife and I need to go out
So be it – we get a sitter
If we want to stay in – super we are with the kids
Childcare
No childcare
Work or don’t work
Some are made to home school
Some are not
Some are made to work 80 hours a week
Some are not
What matters is the happiness
Find work your love
Find hobbies you enjoy
Love your family
And enjoy

It’s less about the time
Of course others can care for him

It’s the stress and worry that take time
and quality away

no worries, be happy now
do do do do do do do do do do do do don’t worry…

Evolved Mom - Stacey

Fresh vs frozen?

Dear Evolved Moms:

Okay we are ready to get prego! But, there are so many options of places and ways to get sperm, how do we know which road is best? We could use her brother (they look alike), frozen anon sperm, a friend.... Please help us!

mary and meg

Hey Mary and Meg,

I get asked this question often

and I could give you all of the pros and cons

of fresh vs frozen

talk about the best sperm banks

and the good bad and ugly of using a friend

but I figure

you are asking me because you know I am opinionated

so I am just going tell you what I think.

Using a sib, or any donor

to create someone that "looks" like both of you

is kind of false

the baby WILL be both of yours

just not biologically

so throw the "look" piece out

a small healthy bundle

with as few complications and red tape as possible is the goal

right?

Throw the friend idea out too

you are good people

that says to me

that your friends are good people

good people

see babies that are biologically theirs

and naturally want to connect

complicated and messy

regardless of intent and love

a guy you meet at a bar

no attachments

also no trust

lots of potential yucky ailments and issues

complicated, okay gross too! (I guess free though)

Frozen anonymous pop

"A" answer in my book

pre-screened and tested for all medical issues

can be delivered to your door

no red tape

no legal documents

no third party emotions

voila!

and as long as I am being opinionated

Small plug - California Cryobank - a personal favorite

great history

good practices

and even a generic attractiveness scale of the donor!

no matter which road you choose

you will still need to figure out how to handle the yucky stuff

will you do it at home or have your OB do it?

ovulation kits, vitamins, yoga...

so much to do

so much to decide

I say for the sperm

take the easy road.

good luck! Can't wait to hear how it goes!

seperate and not equal

Dear Evolved Moms:
This winter I went skiing with my whole family, my wife and kids and my sister and her partner and kids, a few cousins and our parents. Our whole family is super accepting of my sister being gay and her family is treated exactly the same as mine. I am writing because the whole week my sister kept making me feel like her family was in some way… better, I don’t know, more important, more unique than mine. I thought we were al l the same now, equal – especially in this family. What do you think I should do?
Straight Brother Markus

Hey Brother Markus!
First off – LOVE YOU! For your support
Your love of family and your sister
For being there and caring enough to ask

You are totally right and also a bit not all at the same time
We do all WANT equality and we all feel the same inside
We have the same talks in our homes
Same dreams
We all hate to clean (unless we are PMSing)
We all dream for our children
Clean the kitty litter boxes with disgust
Worry
Stress and laugh
We all give love and want love
We all want approval
But Brother Markus
Things are not the same

Let me break it down

When you go skiing in Utah
Life is always easy
Amazing snow
Great temperatures
Chairlifts go right to the base of the mountain
Life is good
Most of the time you can ski and get a tan all in one day
And that is what it is like in the US for a man and women to get married
And have a family
There is no hitch, no limit, no barrier

Now not so long ago in the US
Gay marriage and the creation of gay families
Were like skiing on the desert of Nevada in august
Just could not happen

Now I would say
It’s a bit more like skiing in New England
You never know the weather
You will need a lot of help from snow machines and luck to make it happen
Sometimes it will work
But most of the time there will be ice and rocks and
Long lines and frost bite
And impassible roads
and it’s really damn expensive!
And on some days,
If yu are extremely luck
And patient
And live IN new England (or Iowa) you just might have a good day of skiing

You see your sister
Like all gay people who want a family
Still has to fight for her rights
For equal treatment
today
Even in Iowa
Or Vermont
Or even Massachusetts

We are burdened with explaining a lot
We teach all the time
Just by existing
We have to protect ourselves
Filter input
Choose battles
And protect our kids
In very different way that you have to
Every day
Day after day
We have extra burdens still
Historic, legal and real

Even in an amazing families like yours
That love and accept – there was still a journey
Years of fear, DOMA, prop 8, don’t ask don’t tell
We are seperate and not equal
Not yet…

On your road to marriage and family I am sure there were twists and turns
But for your sister
There were roadblocks
Emotional, legal, physical
And to get to the end
To marriage and family
Took muscle
Took skill
Took bravery
Took planning
Took money
Took time

You two are the same
Family is the same
Love is the same
But our roads
Our not yet equal
And are a long way from being flat
Thank you for loving her
And caring
That is what will lessen the load

Evolved mom Stacey

You People

Yesterday
I was effectively
"you peopled"
by a child at our kids school
not just any kid either
one who really really knows us
has been to our home
in our car
to our kids parties

I was waiting to pick up our daughter from kindergarten
I heard a child voice saying
"Hi Mrs. Harris"
which always makes me laugh
so formal
so my mother
so not me
I smiled at her
"you know honey you can just call me Stacey" I said
she just smiled up at me
and happily stated
"I can't tell you apart, so I just call you both Mrs. Harris"
and truly I was stunned.
silent actually - which is really weird for me
For one
Jessie and I really are not lookalikes
although occasionally matching we never twin EVER
(my mom does by us everything in twos..
but we do not wear them at the same time
okay maybe the sandals...)
My hair is shaved off, I wear ripped jeans
my eyebrow is pierced
I am short with glasses
I am boish
Jessie is tall and has hair (not long but long for a dyke)
and she is always dressed up, coming from work she is girly
so I sat silent
almost feeling slapped

so odd
to just be written off
you are just one of them
why should I bother to tell you apart
you are lesbians
same
even at 9 or 10 or 11 whatever she is
she saw us as a group
not me as a person
and felt no issue with that at all.

New President - New hope - A beginning

America
was born
this week
given a new chance
to grow and thrive

We are fragile though
not tough
in our infancy

I worry about cockiness
lack of respect of the past

I worry about those who forget
we are still volatile
and new
with skin untouched
we have yet
to try on our new ways
our new feet



I am so tired to hearing people
who seem to feel that no longer does racism exist
that all is equal now
that all is forgotten

the white wealthy
unoppressed
I find
are overly ecstatic
somehow relieved

I am ecstatic too
but in a different way
I feel honored to be present
when our country finally did the right thing
not for the color
but the choice

I am humbled that President Obama
and this time in history
that he worked for
will give us all
the opportunity
to begin to do the work
that needs to be done

This time
in history
is a chance to start
we must respect our infancy
our newness
we must respect the past
what has come
what must never come again
what lies ahead
is hope

Obama I am sure
will add fertilizer
and sun
but if we do not supply the love
change cannot be

On the same day
that America
began to evolve

Parts of America became more ugly
Proposition 8
bans on gay adoption
ballot questions cramming
law and god into one basket
limiting affirmative action
limiting freedom
choice
life
love

some of the same voices
and citizens who
voted for Obama
also voted for hate
and limits and controll

we must respect our place in this miracle
we are new
we are infants
we are fragile
and volatile
now the work must begin

now our voices must be heard
in unison
at every racist comment
every gay joke
at every fallen policy
at every town hall
at every PTA meeting
on every subway
we must now work
and be seen
and be present

we are infants
but together
we can now grow
and become whole
and strong
change has come
and now
we must begin

we cannot grow weary
hope won
and it is our job
to keep hope fertile
and loved
the future depends on it
on us
Obama cannot do it alone

Hope

The future

Hope

Lil' Obama on Halloween!

Halloween
Zion wanted to be Obama
Torin a cat
instead of saying trick-or-treat
I will say 'our time is now'!
One suit
One sign

For the school festivities
Zion shared the runway
with a pre-k teacher going as palin
another student who was Obama and a student going as mccain
all laughing together
the director of admissions went as Obama too!
we spent class time
making edible dirt and trick or treat bags
eating junk and feeling excited
the school day a success
of glee and sugar
truly an amazing day that the teachers
could keep the kids sane
knowing what lay ahead

Later, in our small
predominantly
white town
I wondered how
Lil'Obama would do
We rushed home from school
shoved dinner in
donned a suit for Zion
painted Torins face
and set out
In our small town
all of the kids walk to the center store
Fiske's - for a treat and to have their photo taken
to be placed in the window

Our entourage
a small black cat
two bundled lesbian moms
one stroller
and a small black boy
in a full suit leading us
carrying a large sign
"out time is now" on one side
"yes we can" on the other
as soon as we left the house
life changed
horns began honking as they passed
smiles
thumbs raised
more smiles
shock to giggles and happiness
Torin began to count
twelves honks for Obama mama
no fourteen now!
his excitement grows as each house
with an Obama sign
comes into view
and why shouldn't he?
house after house
Zion scored twice the candy as anyone else
several told him they would vote for him
and our little 8 year old reminded them
"not to forget to vote tuesday!"

it was an amazing opening
to meeting new neighboors
we had wonderful rich and full conversation's
and the kids scored big
Only at one house,
to be honest it did have a mccain sign,
were the treat giveres a bit tight with him
but the mountains of candy and well wishers
more than made that
a non existent memory

Zion handed out Obama stickers
smiled
and schmoozed as usual

I do believe
that little man
helped the vote
he made people think
about what matters
family
in all it's forms
freedom
role models
and change
laughter
and unity
it was amazing
Zion's future is bright

please vote
to make it
even brighter!

Sarah's Hard Rock Candy - A Must See

The video says it all... Peggy Seeger (Pete Seeger's sister) wrote the song. My wife made the video - please share