Evolved Moms - Blog

Mr. Pres. Thanks.

2011-02-23T21:26:00.002-05:00

I don't need the Constitution

to show me

how amazing

and true

and blessed I am

by this love

but I would be damn happy

to have it

Hell yes.

Thanks Man

Olive

2011-02-22T11:39:00.003-05:00

We drove though

our small new england town

at the side of the road

we saw the most perfect traditional snow man

only the carrot was removed - hole still there

and the carrot was very happily replaced much lower

some 10 year old boys having fun with their new

penis man

when we got home

Torin said she was going to make a snow person

but she needed an olive

hee. Love her

I guess when you are 7, that is about the size of your vagina

equality for snow people

equal representation

go get that olive babe!

Oh what a year!

2011-02-22T11:27:00.002-05:00

So its been a long time
and I have missed this blog
we have quite a year
keeping me away from this place that I love and need

a flood
a flood hurting our home and greatly damaging our business
and a rebuild
health and repair
stress and elation

and now I am back
where I love to be

and life is back to it's crazy roller coaster

Torin our 7 year old jock
was invited to town wide soccer "Father daughter dance" OY
of course when I wrote to them suggesting that this archaic ritual be updated
no response
shocker
Zion - now 10
will be dancing 7 weeks this summer. Ballet only
and we live in a world of first crushes and deodorant
Jessie is strong and MS is at bay - amazing as ever

and I sit at this desk
where I consult half-time
and think
I am blessed
and still
I'd rather do stand up

So glad to be back!

self control

2009-08-18T08:15:00.005-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms, why are some people just crappy parents?? It seems no matter how involved we are, how many good lessons we teach, how much we listen and care and do what we need to do to help our daughter learn the right things, some other kids comes along and pushes her, or swears or talks about a show we don't allow. I just want scream at all of the other parents who don't get it. What is wrong with people?? Daddy Bill

Hi Daddy Bill,

I so hear you! And I
for the longest time
was the parent who would intervene
yell at the kid pushing my kid
talk to the other parents about their kid
scold
make evil eyes at the misbehaving kid
nothing subtle - not that I am capable of that anyway

But over time
I have learned a very valuable lesson
and the sooner you learn it
and teach it to your kid
the better your like will be

first - yes - many other parents suck at the parenting job
they don't make their kids brush their teeth
show them MTV at 7 years old
have few limits on bedtime
backtalk
violence
media and video games
leave them unsupervised
in fact during family week on the cape
two kids (9 ish) kept coming onto our store
without parents
they would sit and play for an hour
no intention of buying anything
just playing - loudly
finally I went in search of said parents
and found the sitting on a bench outside
many stores away
they told me, oh we trust them......
so i told the kid, most people come into shop
do you know this is not a playground?? Play for 5 more and then go
that did it..

okay, number 2
your kid needs to learn to fight her own battles
I suck at this one but it's true
she needs to decide what you taught her is right
and use it
help her find a sentence to say over and over
like "that's not cool"..

okay #3 this is the big one
no matter how much you want to
you cannot control
anyone but yourself
the harder you try the more you will fail
I always fail
you cannot worry about those kids (unless there is danger of course..)
just teach her the rules and over time
she will fully integrate them
and begin to self-parent in those situations

I am a control freak
to the max really
I have an extremely shy kid
no matter what
she will not tell someone... a friend or teacher
when she is unhappy or someone has done her wrong
at home she is loud as all get out!

yesterday she began to cry before gymnastics
a sport she loves more than life
she has been hesitant about going
we thought she was tired, or it was too extreme for her
just before going onto the floor, tears rolling down her 6 year old face
she whispered to me,

the girls are always cutting me in line
pushing into their space
talking at me
bossing
I don't want to go
and she was willing to quit
rather than do something
to stop their behavior

my shy girl would not say stop, or no or I don't like that
and I wanted to rip their little heads off
self control...
this is her life
her lesson to learn

I said T
hold your ground
don't move from your spot
if you can't say no yet
tell the coach
and hold your ground show them it's your gym, your place too!

together we spoke to the coach
who was super
T wiped her eyes and went to the floor to begin
the coach must have scolded the girls because T smiled for
3 hours of the workout

and for the first time
in my parenting life
I did not get in trouble
for meddling with badly parented kids
and she became stronger!
win for T
win for me

we can only control ourselves
Good luck Bill!

ahh the rollercoaster! Advice to a sad dad.

2009-06-12T13:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms:
We adopted our son five months ago, he is now one. I have been home the whole time but now I must return to work. I am feeling torn between being with him and losing my mind being home. Can anyone but us care for him like we do? The job is okay – pays the bills but my husband and I have to work to keep on moving up. Will he be okay? Will I?

Sad Pop

Dear Sad Pop:

Welcome to the rollercoaster of parenting man. And this is just the first stop!
I learned very early on
That I knew nothing about parenting
And our son taught me everything
When he smiled – I knew I did it right
When he cried I knew it was wrong
As soon as I had something down pat, suddenly, he grew
And that skill no longer worked
Parenting is about playing catch up
Every six months
They seem to fully evolve
Listening to your kids and learning with them each day
Letting them lead the way

But the bigger lessons are about life
Balance
Time
What do you spend time on, what gives a bit, what matters most?

We have always felt that family comes first
But still work, meetings, people, cleaning – life seems to get in the way of life
A year ago last October
My wife was diagnosed with MS
And clearly it was time for a life pause
Not everyone needs such a universal wakeup call
But for us it was an important moment
don’t get me wrong – MS way sucks
but it also gave us a bit of a blessing

Suddenly
The little shit in life just doesn’t matter
People bickering at work
Bad drivers
Family politics
People who waste my time
Sweeping the floor
Hours of being home or away
stress
It all suddenly mattered less

I am not saying quit your job and move your gay family to the woods either
But all of the details
The stresses
The bull
Make it matter less
Your boy is going to get older no matter what
He will love you in a big house or a small one
With a huge job or part-time one
In childcare or homeschooled
He will love you
No matter what you do
He will love you
But he needs you happy
Unstressed
Satisfied by life

We have a short time
To enjoy and celebrate our families
This time around
In this life
I am going to savor every moment

When my wife and I need to go out
So be it – we get a sitter
If we want to stay in – super we are with the kids
Childcare
No childcare
Work or don’t work
Some are made to home school
Some are not
Some are made to work 80 hours a week
Some are not
What matters is the happiness
Find work your love
Find hobbies you enjoy
Love your family
And enjoy

It’s less about the time
Of course others can care for him

It’s the stress and worry that take time
and quality away

no worries, be happy now
do do do do do do do do do do do do don’t worry…

Evolved Mom - Stacey

Fresh vs frozen?

2009-06-03T14:48:00.011-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms:

Okay we are ready to get prego! But, there are so many options of places and ways to get sperm, how do we know which road is best? We could use her brother (they look alike), frozen anon sperm, a friend.... Please help us!

mary and meg

Hey Mary and Meg,

I get asked this question often

and I could give you all of the pros and cons

of fresh vs frozen

talk about the best sperm banks

and the good bad and ugly of using a friend

but I figure

you are asking me because you know I am opinionated

so I am just going tell you what I think.

Using a sib, or any donor

to create someone that "looks" like both of you

is kind of false

the baby WILL be both of yours

just not biologically

so throw the "look" piece out

a small healthy bundle

with as few complications and red tape as possible is the goal

right?

Throw the friend idea out too

you are good people

that says to me

that your friends are good people

good people

see babies that are biologically theirs

and naturally want to connect

complicated and messy

regardless of intent and love

a guy you meet at a bar

no attachments

also no trust

lots of potential yucky ailments and issues

complicated, okay gross too! (I guess free though)

Frozen anonymous pop

"A" answer in my book

pre-screened and tested for all medical issues

can be delivered to your door

no red tape

no legal documents

no third party emotions

voila!

and as long as I am being opinionated

Small plug - California Cryobank - a personal favorite

great history

good practices

and even a generic attractiveness scale of the donor!

no matter which road you choose

you will still need to figure out how to handle the yucky stuff

will you do it at home or have your OB do it?

ovulation kits, vitamins, yoga...

so much to do

so much to decide

I say for the sperm

take the easy road.

good luck! Can't wait to hear how it goes!

seperate and not equal

2009-06-01T09:18:00.001-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms:
This winter I went skiing with my whole family, my wife and kids and my sister and her partner and kids, a few cousins and our parents. Our whole family is super accepting of my sister being gay and her family is treated exactly the same as mine. I am writing because the whole week my sister kept making me feel like her family was in some way… better, I don’t know, more important, more unique than mine. I thought we were al l the same now, equal – especially in this family. What do you think I should do?
Straight Brother Markus

Hey Brother Markus!
First off – LOVE YOU! For your support
Your love of family and your sister
For being there and caring enough to ask

You are totally right and also a bit not all at the same time
We do all WANT equality and we all feel the same inside
We have the same talks in our homes
Same dreams
We all hate to clean (unless we are PMSing)
We all dream for our children
Clean the kitty litter boxes with disgust
Worry
Stress and laugh
We all give love and want love
We all want approval
But Brother Markus
Things are not the same

Let me break it down

When you go skiing in Utah
Life is always easy
Amazing snow
Great temperatures
Chairlifts go right to the base of the mountain
Life is good
Most of the time you can ski and get a tan all in one day
And that is what it is like in the US for a man and women to get married
And have a family
There is no hitch, no limit, no barrier

Now not so long ago in the US
Gay marriage and the creation of gay families
Were like skiing on the desert of Nevada in august
Just could not happen

Now I would say
It’s a bit more like skiing in New England
You never know the weather
You will need a lot of help from snow machines and luck to make it happen
Sometimes it will work
But most of the time there will be ice and rocks and
Long lines and frost bite
And impassible roads
and it’s really damn expensive!
And on some days,
If yu are extremely luck
And patient
And live IN new England (or Iowa) you just might have a good day of skiing

You see your sister
Like all gay people who want a family
Still has to fight for her rights
For equal treatment
today
Even in Iowa
Or Vermont
Or even Massachusetts

We are burdened with explaining a lot
We teach all the time
Just by existing
We have to protect ourselves
Filter input
Choose battles
And protect our kids
In very different way that you have to
Every day
Day after day
We have extra burdens still
Historic, legal and real

Even in an amazing families like yours
That love and accept – there was still a journey
Years of fear, DOMA, prop 8, don’t ask don’t tell
We are seperate and not equal
Not yet…

On your road to marriage and family I am sure there were twists and turns
But for your sister
There were roadblocks
Emotional, legal, physical
And to get to the end
To marriage and family
Took muscle
Took skill
Took bravery
Took planning
Took money
Took time

You two are the same
Family is the same
Love is the same
But our roads
Our not yet equal
And are a long way from being flat
Thank you for loving her
And caring
That is what will lessen the load

Evolved mom Stacey

You People

2009-05-08T08:30:00.006-05:00

Yesterday
I was effectively
"you peopled"
by a child at our kids school
not just any kid either
one who really really knows us
has been to our home
in our car
to our kids parties

I was waiting to pick up our daughter from kindergarten
I heard a child voice saying
"Hi Mrs. Harris"
which always makes me laugh
so formal
so my mother
so not me
I smiled at her
"you know honey you can just call me Stacey" I said
she just smiled up at me
and happily stated
"I can't tell you apart, so I just call you both Mrs. Harris"
and truly I was stunned.
silent actually - which is really weird for me
For one
Jessie and I really are not lookalikes
although occasionally matching we never twin EVER
(my mom does by us everything in twos..
but we do not wear them at the same time
okay maybe the sandals...)
My hair is shaved off, I wear ripped jeans
my eyebrow is pierced
I am short with glasses
I am boish
Jessie is tall and has hair (not long but long for a dyke)
and she is always dressed up, coming from work she is girly
so I sat silent
almost feeling slapped

so odd
to just be written off
you are just one of them
why should I bother to tell you apart
you are lesbians
same
even at 9 or 10 or 11 whatever she is
she saw us as a group
not me as a person
and felt no issue with that at all.

New President - New hope - A beginning

2008-11-06T19:52:00.006-05:00

America
was born
this week
given a new chance
to grow and thrive

We are fragile though
not tough
in our infancy

I worry about cockiness
lack of respect of the past

I worry about those who forget
we are still volatile
and new
with skin untouched
we have yet
to try on our new ways
our new feet

I am so tired to hearing people
who seem to feel that no longer does racism exist
that all is equal now
that all is forgotten

the white wealthy
unoppressed
I find
are overly ecstatic
somehow relieved

I am ecstatic too
but in a different way
I feel honored to be present
when our country finally did the right thing
not for the color
but the choice

I am humbled that President Obama
and this time in history
that he worked for
will give us all
the opportunity
to begin to do the work
that needs to be done

This time
in history
is a chance to start
we must respect our infancy
our newness
we must respect the past
what has come
what must never come again
what lies ahead
is hope

Obama I am sure
will add fertilizer
and sun
but if we do not supply the love
change cannot be

On the same day
that America
began to evolve

Parts of America became more ugly
Proposition 8
bans on gay adoption
ballot questions cramming
law and god into one basket
limiting affirmative action
limiting freedom
choice
life
love

some of the same voices
and citizens who
voted for Obama
also voted for hate
and limits and controll

we must respect our place in this miracle
we are new
we are infants
we are fragile
and volatile
now the work must begin

now our voices must be heard
in unison
at every racist comment
every gay joke
at every fallen policy
at every town hall
at every PTA meeting
on every subway
we must now work
and be seen
and be present

we are infants
but together
we can now grow
and become whole
and strong
change has come
and now
we must begin

we cannot grow weary
hope won
and it is our job
to keep hope fertile
and loved
the future depends on it
on us
Obama cannot do it alone

Hope

The future

Hope

Lil' Obama on Halloween!

2008-11-03T21:16:00.003-05:00

Halloween
Zion wanted to be Obama
Torin a cat
instead of saying trick-or-treat
I will say 'our time is now'!
One suit
One sign

For the school festivities
Zion shared the runway
with a pre-k teacher going as palin
another student who was Obama and a student going as mccain
all laughing together
the director of admissions went as Obama too!
we spent class time
making edible dirt and trick or treat bags
eating junk and feeling excited
the school day a success
of glee and sugar
truly an amazing day that the teachers
could keep the kids sane
knowing what lay ahead

Later, in our small
predominantly
white town
I wondered how
Lil'Obama would do
We rushed home from school
shoved dinner in
donned a suit for Zion
painted Torins face
and set out
In our small town
all of the kids walk to the center store
Fiske's - for a treat and to have their photo taken
to be placed in the window

Our entourage
a small black cat
two bundled lesbian moms
one stroller
and a small black boy
in a full suit leading us
carrying a large sign
"out time is now" on one side
"yes we can" on the other
as soon as we left the house
life changed
horns began honking as they passed
smiles
thumbs raised
more smiles
shock to giggles and happiness
Torin began to count
twelves honks for Obama mama
no fourteen now!
his excitement grows as each house
with an Obama sign
comes into view
and why shouldn't he?
house after house
Zion scored twice the candy as anyone else
several told him they would vote for him
and our little 8 year old reminded them
"not to forget to vote tuesday!"

it was an amazing opening
to meeting new neighboors
we had wonderful rich and full conversation's
and the kids scored big
Only at one house,
to be honest it did have a mccain sign,
were the treat giveres a bit tight with him
but the mountains of candy and well wishers
more than made that
a non existent memory

Zion handed out Obama stickers
smiled
and schmoozed as usual

I do believe
that little man
helped the vote
he made people think
about what matters
family
in all it's forms
freedom
role models
and change
laughter
and unity
it was amazing
Zion's future is bright

please vote
to make it
even brighter!

Sarah's Hard Rock Candy - A Must See

2008-10-19T20:21:00.002-05:00

The video says it all... Peggy Seeger (Pete Seeger's sister) wrote the song. My wife made the video - please share

Stupid Pokemon - advice

2008-10-07T11:06:00.004-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: After much deliberation we chose to send our kids to public school. We live in a great town with a great school system and pretty liberal and committed and involved parents. Now, after just a month, our 6 year old twins are sassy, argumentative and suddenly interested in children we would not chose for them not to mention activities we detest, like paintball and shows like "that's so raven" (which they have never seen). This is exactly what we were afraid of. But what can we do now. Moms from everytownamerica.

Dear Moms:

There is no way

as I have written many times before

to insulate, bubble wrap and filter your child

from the world

At a certain point

they will need to fall

make choices of their own

trust their intuition (and know where to find it and how to use it)

That being said

we all do our best

to help guide them

There is a kids who is around my son a lot

who NEVER shuts up

she pokes and man handles

is sassy and very rude

to kids and adults alike

she obeys no boundaries

she talks loudly in his face

I try hard not to tell him how much I dislike her

as a person

how much I detest her behavior

I try to say, how do you feel about what she is doing

or point out - wow she was speaking really loudly and close to you

How do you feel about that

or step in when it overwhelms him.

Pretty much unless we are talking politics or the Redsocks (where I tell my children all)

I try to be fairly neutral

which is hard for me

really hard

as I am extremely opinionated

but usually right (as I am sure you are too)

I d0 draw the line on violence and we have strict rules in our home

about such things.

no video games

no TV during the week

weekend TV no commericals . .

We went out of our way to help our son collect Bella Sara cards

Magical horse cards with magical powers

so he could still collect cars and feel part of gang, but not Pokemon

or other such stupid violent games.

And why do parents by these?

Just to drive me crazy I am sure!

I will never really know

weakness is my guess

to allow their children to fit in

maybe they justify the violence by believing that some learning is involved?

I don't know

Lazy maybe

aren't there better things our kids could be doing?

I remember collecting stamps, rocks, Lego's, books, teen beat magazines,

red sox cards,

pictures of joan jet and annie lenox tapes.....

anyhoo

no matter what we teach

our kids will always experiment

test the waters

and break all of our rules.

that's their job

that's how they learn and grow

Our job

is not to kill them when they make mistakes

we often say

you might not fully agree with our rules

and when you don't live here you can have whatever you want in your house

but these are the rules

and they are here to keep you safe and help you grow

because we love you

we keep door open to talk

and we talk a lot

no question is too hard

or adult

or scary

but sometimes

systems fail

That is why at 7:30 am today

when my wife found 2 Pokemon cards

and some other violent looking transformerish card

in Zions bag

we did not kill him

I actually left them out on his desk so he would know

we saw them

"sorry mama" he said as he carried them out

"I got them at school"

not a public school either - so don't think that is your issue

a 20,0000 dollar a year private school, with a

10-1 ratio

and parents who care and are involved

and like all parents

some make choices we might not agree with

just like some kids do

that is the world for kids

that is the world for adults

and your twins

just like my son

will need to learn to navigate those waters

"Please don't do it again"

"If they are truly your friends they will understand

that that is something you are not allowed to do"

and we move on

to another day

another lesson

another moment of teaching

and trying to walk the line

between smothering and teaching

protecting and allowing them to grow

preaching and repairing damage done

fearing and trusting

in them

Evolved Mom: Stacey

complaints - advice to grumpy daddy

2008-09-26T09:17:00.003-05:00

This sunday is nutcracker auditions
Zion can speak of nothing else
he wants to be Fritz - but is probably too young
emotional fall out to come...
we will see
at first I was dreading it all a bit
hours upon hours of driving, waiting, dinner in the car
rehearsals going late
schlepping our younger one along
but then today I received an advice question
from a very grumpy daddy in Log Angeles

He writes: Dear Evolved Moms, it seems that school has only just begun and my husband I are have become chauffeurs again. Drive to soccer, pick up from school, playdates - it never ends. I want my life back! How can we streamline this parenting thing? Grumpy Dad

Suddenly life became clear again for me.
our job
as parents
is to balance
is to support
is to be a catalyst
for their lives and hopes and dreams
Now, if your kid is just in too many activities
or their schedule is making homework and sleep complicated
that's another story...
But each kid had different needs
For Zion - 4 hours a week of ballet (soon to be 5)
is is zen space
his peaceful place
this balances him
and I should be - and am thankful that he found something he loves this much.
letting him push himself
and supporting where he wants to go
isn't that our job?
who am I to stand i the way of his progress
I am not pushing him to go
and I also should never
make his dreams hard to reach
beacuse I "don't feel like it"
this is his dream

we all have them too

signing up to parent
is a bit like signing up to be a chauffeur
party planner
organizational therapist
but that is also the best art

grumpy dad - you must chill
you must learn to help them grow and still have a life
if driving them to school is one of your stressors you have a lot to rethink about your scheduling..

Cheers to the future soccer players
ballet dancers
contractors
presidents (we could sue a new one eh?)

Here to the future
I hope we all do our best helping them get there.

peace

Evolved Mom Stacey

Houdini Dog

2008-09-17T19:22:00.004-05:00

Okay, so now I need advice.

Each weekend we pack up the kids

and mike the dog

and drive to p-town to our little shop

I thought it might be good to get a portable crate (lightweight...)

so I did not have to bring the metal one each time

15 minute into the adventure

I hear him wrestling in the crate

but I know he is in there

I zipped it myself

and then I see something in the rear view

Mike

on top of the luggage!

He had smushed his nose a certain way and unzipped it.

We pull over

tie the ends of the zipper together

10 minute later

Houdini dog says hello

and scare the shit out of me

We resolve to keep him in the front as we finish our trip

Mike is thrilled

and the kids think it's hysterical

On Sunday

after have a "gay old time" on the cape

We stop at the x-ass tree shop and

purchase yet another more solid - yet portable crate

with 5 minutes has his nose out and is happily

climbing up to the front seat

kids cackling all the way

moms getting pissed

We but a pigs ear and tie the crate again

mike chews his way out in 5 minutes

35 dollars later

mike is happily being king

up in the front

with his gay mommies

and the kids are in tears of laughter and glee

Lesson: Dogs love the front seat

kids love to laugh at moms

P-town is for the whole family

give into the roller coaster of life

But, as we are going again on Friday

any advice of puppy restraint

or ways to deflect butch embarrassment

at not being able to restrain a tiny cockapoo

are welcome

Evolved Mom Stacey

facing fears - advice

2008-09-13T17:22:00.003-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms:
I am just terrified, my son started Kindergarten this week. I can't sleep. I feel like we have created this safe, bias-free, empowering little world for him and now he is out there, alone and we are not there to help him. To guide him. To keep the assholes away from him. I find that I am picking him up early, finding excuses to keep him home. What do you think? I know I need to chill out, but it's hard. Thanks. J & J

Dear J & J:

Letting go is the hardest part of parenting. And the most important.
Assholes will exist.
At school
at work
on the playground
but if they never learn to stretch their self help muscles
how will they ever survive?
Fear is a really hard place to live - for any of us
Our daughter started K last week
I am afraid she is too tired - the day is long
she is shy
it is hard for her to say "no" to kids who might be unkind
some of the kids are amazing..
some of the families are amazing...
some might not be our cup of tea - but time will tell
we will guide her, but ultimately, she needs to make the right choices
and we have helped her and will continue to, as you have

it has been an interesting summer for all of us here
and fear at times has been a factor
but I have decided
at least for me
that living with fear
only inhibits my living
and all of those around me

I needed to say
I am longer going to live in fear of:
bills
MS
kid choices
taking huge risks
what anyone else thinks
things that really I have no control of anyway
or things I cannot grow without

Maybe you need a list too..
he will go
he will fall
he will get up
he will be powerfull
with his own wings
and you have helped him become powerful
let him fly
fear is no place to live...

Evolved Mom Stacey

Where the hell have you been?

2008-08-22T09:46:00.004-05:00

where have we been?

well here is our marathon summer:

end of school

northampton pride

recitals

boston pride

atlanta pride - decided we might just be too old to go to so many prides!

R Family Cruise to Canada - wow

High School Musical Camp - zion was troy!

Basketball camp

mini sports camp

2 weeks of ballet camp

built a store for one week in P-town for family week (okay that was a lot!)

landlord offered us the space to try for a few other weekends

excited

scared

excited beat scared

drove back and forth from home to p-town 10,000 times (but loved every minute of it)

even the lack of sleep

got dog fixed

2 kids in hip hop camp

decided to commit to store in p-town for All of next summer (wow) come visit!

(205 commercial street in the aquarium mall!)

made pregnancy belly cake for best friends baby blessing party

kissed wife

got rid of wife's crappy car and upgraded

drove to p-town one more time

saw friends

back to school shopping for the boy who grew out of everything

bought a first day of kindergarten dress - not for me

heard my daughter say fuck 3 times in a row - apparently kids do copy what they hear - oops!

forgot school forms

made MD appointments to do the forms

bought ballet shoes for two kids - men's sizes now!

planned next tattoo

watched Torin begin to learn to read!

didn't sleep enough

enjoyed some sun

have relief that wife is feeling great

bought some kinda girly shoes for a wedding

and laughed a lot

and now we are back.

whew.

happy almost fall

Road Trip

2008-07-01T06:18:00.003-05:00

We are leaving for Gay Pride Atlanta
We go to many prides each summer around the country
normally, being moms
we leave in the dark of night
trimming any unneeded minute
condensing
so that the kids
have little time
without us
we leave at midnight
fly red eyes to LA
work 14 hour days and then return with no sleep
we leave lists and gifts and extra directions and love
we worry

But this year
we decided
mommies need time
to love and play too!
so instead of flying
instead of red eyes
instead of dashing and sweating and forgetting
and losing our minds
my wife and I are driving
to Atlanta
girls on a road trip
Thelma and Louise
without the guns and men and crashing off the cliffs thing
we are taking time
for us
how novel eh?

Last night I wrapped small gifts
so each morning a small surprise they would have
the house is full of food
the notes are written

but today - we will simply be women
tattooed, windows down, music blaring
in love
road tripping
travelin
and only worrying a tiny bit
about the babies

Take time
for yourselves

and come see us in Atlanta
or on the R Family Cruise
or in P-Town for Family Week

Maybe we will look more rested!

Happy pride!

do I look like I have a husband to you? - advice

2008-06-24T08:04:00.008-05:00

Dear evolved moms: We have visited and applied to 3 preschools for our son. ALL of the forms for ALL of the school have applications which read mother and father. He has TWO DADS! Crossing off and filling in is just not enough. Can we send him to a school that cannot even handle this simple form change to be inclusive? Exasperated dads!

Dear Dads: Ugg!
I hear ya. The polite answer is yes.
you can send him
but you will also need to do some education around these issues
and about why they segregate and exclude GL families
Choose a school based on all of the issues
the education, comfort and feel
love to your child.....

okay - as I am not known for being polite
here is my other answer
I too and sick as hell
of the laziness and arrogance and heterosexism
that goes into moments like the ones you are dealing with
Schools, camps and companies need to wake up
and realize we all exist

There are times,
when we do not feel like educating
or as you say - crossing out and filling in
why should we?

This week I went to T-mobile
to get my wife a new phone
hers had broken
It had been a long day
I had two kids with me
and the clerk said
I was not an authorized user on the account
I said we were legally married
I had the Social security numbers and pins
finally she said
"your husband needs to come in to authorize you"
i just snapped
"DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A HUSBAND?
GET REAL LADY, LOOK AT THIS FAMILY.
THIS IS MASACHUSETTS FOR CHRISTS SAKE!"

sometimes
we just have to say it like it is
not pussy foot around the issues
speak your mind.

Am I advocating yelling
of course not
there were clearly better roads I could have taken
but sometimes
you just need to speak your mind

We'd love for our son to come here
but our family needs to be included in all ways
and that includes the forms
kapeesh?

To parent or not to parent - advice to the unsure

2008-06-17T07:59:00.004-05:00

At Boston Pride this weekend
a lesbian couple
came up to our booth to shop
talk, get some advice
They asked all the hard questions
can you have it all? how hard is parenting? what do you give up?
can you still have your time? freedom? travel?
do you ever regret having kids?

We all chatted for a while
one with Jessie, one with me, then all together

Simply put
parenting is hard
if you are good at it
committed and dedicated
then
it is harder than just about anything you can possibly imagine
and every parent
wants to strangle their kids from time to time
in the rough moments
(Although most will deny that and I don't know why)
but
with that said
we wouldn't change it for the world
parenting is hard
but it is also the most loving
powerful, exhilarating roller coaster ride
full of moments so wonderfully intense you cannot imagine
little triumphs making your world a better place and
giving you renewed hope in the universe and in humanity

My wife also made and amazing point
and I totally agree
that without being a parent
or having a very significant roll with children
one cannot fully evolve as an adult
and mature
and learn about ones self
(she said it better)

screw the army
this is the toughest job
and it's all love
and I would not change a thing

Evolved Mom - Stacey

no time is wasted

2008-06-09T09:11:00.010-05:00

When I was 17

I found a place where I belonged

cambridge mass

harvard square

just outside the train station

the pit

Mohawks and nose rings

skateboards and suspenders

london in america

we looked angry and tough

we were really smushy and goofy

and happy and no one really knew

how soft we were inside

none of us judged each other

we were all different

which made us all the same

runaways and rich kids

gay and straight and virginal and unsure

and no one

cared

if I was a tomboy

blue haired

skateboarding girl

figuring myself out

My mother

hated it

all of it

the hair

the kids

the skateboarding

the tough look

the separateness of it all

the difference

for me

it was freedom

acceptance

a place to work it all out

When my son's 8th birthday

was approaching

this year

I asked him

what kind of cake he wanted

a hip hop dance party AND

A skateboard park cake

awesome I said

I happen to be an expert in that area

No time in life is wasted

if we use each moment to the fullest

as parents we must accept all our kids have to show us

our job is to help them get to the next place

they need to be, where thay want to go

it is their journey

and I just feel so blessed

that sometimes

our adventures and life lessons

intersect

peace

(Please note, that although my shirt looks preppy - those small white dots are actually skulls and I stole the shirt from my son - so all is still cool)

super mom?

2008-06-04T09:08:00.005-05:00

Mommies and daddies

I have decided
are not allowed to pee
We do not always get a shower
we eat last
get up from the table more
sleep less
work harder
and wipe more shit
than nurses and farmers combined

Mommies and daddies
needs
are last in line
and lets be honest
sometimes
it not the most fun job
in the world

this month I have not written as much as I wanted too
bathed as much as I needed
sat through a whole meal
without being asked to get something else, or more, or different
or had enough
uninterrupted conversation
with my wife

on our anniversary (14th wedding)
our daughter had the flu
and was in the hospital
ugg

But then
right when I had tried to blog
for the 15th time
tried to take a bath
tried to get anything accomplished
right when I was sure I was about to
lose my mind

my daughter came in the room
and planted a sugary sticky chocolate filled kiss
right on my cheek
and told me she loves having
two mommies (and faries, horses, shells and our house!)
then our son's ballet teacher e-mailed and
told us how excellent he is doing

the world kind of froze in time
I suddenly realized
our dog no longer pulls on the leash when we walk him (which I hate)
the sky watered the plants for me so I didn't have to
and Jessie and I got to go to see
the True Colors Tour in Boston
stay out late
and act like silly 18 year old love sick kids
and no one fussed about us going
even though it was last minute
a sudden change
a really late night

and
I realized
I didn't care
If I never get to pee
If I smell like crap
If the kids whine
or if the dog pees in the house

I have the best job
in the freaking world
being mom to our brood
and our life
is full
of wet sticky gooey chocolaty kissing love
which happens to be my favorite kind and the
very best flavor
and I wouldn't change a thing

so I am pulling my cape on
and being super mom
and flying the kids to school

I have to pee
I have not showered
but I am wearing one hell of a smile!

cheers to mothers day past and fathers day coming!

passports - funny moments in gay parenting

2008-04-22T13:02:00.004-05:00

We have been hedging
on getting passports done

It stresses me just thinking about it
Gathering all of the adoption info
Birth names
Adoption certificates.
That was so hard to get initially.
So we hedge
Can I really hand over those docs?
I fear what they will ask us
In this small town
Of course,
We have been waiting until the last possible moment
We have a cruise in July – so this is it
No wiggle room
We load up the car
Grumbly children on an errand
The postal worker asks – are both parents present
We both sigh – yup
He kinda looks at us
Dykey moms
Black babies
He goes back to work
I get nervous
Jessie is tense
We fill out all pages
With the eyes and hands of forensic scientists
We will leave no space for error
No room to deny us
Place of birth, date of birth…
Cross every T
We walk up to the counter
Pictures taken
Two older white men behind the counter
With the power
One looks at us
Okay ladies
“Who want to be the father?” He smiles with a small smile
"That would be me" I say
I whisper to Jessie – "Honey I’m a daddy!"
The other man
Just looks at us
And then said
In a very serious voice
“You’d think they could finally figure out a system that works for everyone by now eh, other agencies have"
Have a good trip.
I love people
I love this town
I laugh, we smile
I’m a dad.

father-daughter dance - advice

2008-04-16T19:24:00.011-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: What do we do when the annual father-daughter dance arrives - and there is no dad? Two moms :(

Dear Two concerned Moms.
This is a complicated one.

I would say the best place to start is a place of understanding
and a freaking big deep breath!

Fighting a school is hard
so if you are going to jump in
have your eyes open and be ready to go all the way.

My assumption, unless I am missing some facts in your situation
is that the father daughter dance is a tradition
brimming with good intentions,

Norman Rockwellian moments and yearbook photo ops
no intent to exclude,

no intent to make things harder for you, for us
for anyone different
but unfortunately, like many school events, like most life events
same-sex parented households, gay people, gay students, gay teachers
and yes, unfortunately, children of gay and lesbian parents
are and will be
constructively and automatically

excluded from many of these “traditional moments”
life milestones
at least until the world catches up

90% of the time
the exclusion exists with no intent on the part of the school
but also
with no forethought either (how hard would it have been to assume someone could be excluded really? Or to think ahead of potential impacts – surely they knew you were there? Hmmm)

Sadie Hawkin's dance, kissing booths, prom, sex ed, and yes,
the historic father-daughter dances too, are long standing traditional school events.

the purpose I suppose
- to celebrate the parent-child relationship
and the typical traditional father-daughter relationship

the events are
loved, planned, feverishly waited for
and yes – exclusive
As you know.
School administrators these days are playing a big game of catch up
And at the same time, also playing politics,
please the system,
please the parents,
please the teachers and
don’t step on any toes in the process
In the ever-changing America
The game gets pretty complicated
– I don’t envy the principals of today – but I also think they are often pretty wimpy where it counts and maybe it’s time they start hearing about it a bit, eh?

Certainly most are not spending their time
sitting around debating and wondering:
how does a gay student feel at our prom or will having a kissing booth make anyone feel uncomfortable or how would a gay family feel chaperoning at one of these dances? Or how does a lesbian teacher feels at part of my teaching team or what it is like to be a gay family in their school community?
Even the curriculum in most places is quite exclusive of diversity and gay families – luckily not in ours but in that regard I would bet we are an anomaly.

I would assume unfortunately
That your school never saw this conversation coming
After taking a BIG breath here is what I would do:
I would broach it peacefully
With an eye to awareness and education
Looking for common ground and common understanding
This dance does exclude lesbian-headed households - but many others as well.

I would start with normalizing:
If the intent is to celebrate the parent-child relationship, can we expand that definition a bit?
- Tell them the percentage of children in your area that are being raised by single moms,
- number of families that have 2 moms or 2 dads
- the percentage of kids living w/foster parents, grandparents or a sibling
- family w/no daughters who are simply excluded by birth alone
- all caring family who would love to participate...

Next I would:
Give them a copy of -Involved, Invisible, Ignored this can begin to help them understand what what it FEELS like to be a GLBT family in their community.

-Then I would ask about short term alternatives:
For this year, can we?
-Can we send a very important uncle?
-or can a mom go?
- Can we change the name to parent-child dance?

If the climate feels good to you. Feels safe to you, I would also:

. Reach out to: The PTA for support, and then

. Single moms at the school
· Reach out to other same-sex parents
· Look for all of our amazing allies in the non-gay community
· Sound infinitely reasonable in all of your conversations with the school (even though you know they are being short-sighted, imbecilic and archaic – which if you are hitting roadblocks you know they are)

Unfortunately, one of the components that goes hand-in-hand with being gay, and especially being a gay parent, is education
Acting in the realm of crisis
Will make it a crisis
And truthfully, once we throw out the gay card – people
As we have learned over time
Just simply become reactive
Even when we are not. There lies the rub.
Stay clear about your objectives
Try to be flexible
And be honest with your child about the goal
This sucks honey – lets see how we can make it fit for this dance and work on making it fabulous for next year. And truly – ask your child what they want.. If they even want to go, who they want to take them. If they want to go and they want you – why shouldn't you have the right to be there? Just make sure it is their fight.
Remember, this is your kid's community

you want to be reasonable first – you don’t want to have your kid go to school each day in a world that is full of chaos.
That said
When all else fails
If no one will listen and you really feel this is your fight and this is your time
When you have done everything reasonable, acted like a mature parent and concerned member of the community and feel that all roads have been blocked….
I would enlist some muscle.
Local media will scare the shit out of any red-blooded American principal
Gay media will certainly always have your back
Pflag and Family Equality have a well-respected, reasonable voice and presence

(great for bridge-building while still being scary!)
And any local lesbian biker club would surely be happy to offer you a dramatic
Ride to the event in question and I’m sure would be gallant escorts!

and if you're lucky to be able to pass, like me
you should adorn your most favorite coat and tie
and simply smile as you say
"hey, just trying to fit in"

Please let us know how it goes.

Here is your new mantra
Reasonable, respectable,
rejected, rebuffed,
react, radical,
rebel, rejoice

Perfect day

2008-04-13T16:19:00.004-05:00

I am learning
to put myself
first
prioritize
things seem to fall in line
when we worry less
with time
with distance
I learned this month
to turn off the e-mail before bed
and not turn it on again
until after
I enjoy
my rice crispies
in peace
They can wait....
Life is seeming to fit
struggle less
breath seems easier
This Saturday was amazing
spring here in boston

14 years ago
in May
Jessie and I were married
My parents did not come to the wedding
9 years ago we told my mother
3 times
on 3 separate occasions
that we were adopting
trans racially
4 years ago, when marriage became legal
she came
On saturday
I walked into a hardware store
in my new town
to by rope (the really expensive purple kind)
and left Torin and my mother in the car
when I returned
my mother was reading
a gay family ABC book to my bi-racial daughter
without skipping a beat
"My mommies always choose vanilla, but I like chocolate best" she read
wow
time
Saturday
my kids spend the day swinging from a new rope swing
my parents worked on a new tree house for them
jessie's body did not hurt
in fact she hammered and climbed and soccered with the rest of us, amazing
Torin told us she hates ballet - that it's only "for boys!"
and Zion walked though the supermarket
with his face deep in a pink disney princess book
not even aware that many parents would shun
such behavior
silly limits and rules, makes me kinda laugh

flowers bloom
positive light grows stronger
karma
life is good
what a perfect day
I am truly blessed.

Dodgeball - advice to dads in Atlanta

2008-04-11T09:49:00.005-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: My husband and I are looking at a few new areas in Atlanta to move to so our kids have access to a better school system. As gay dads what are some ways we can feel out the neighborhood and know if its welcoming to us? Pop and Papa (dads of 4 boys!)

Dear Pop and Papa,

to be honest
life as gay parents
is like dodge ball in 4th grade
you walk out onto the field
if you are chosen first
you know
your peers think you
are cool and unique
and will have your back
instantly
If you are chosen last
with hesitation
with fear and regret
beware
you are about to get nailed
from all sides

My advice
walk out on the filed
hold hands
walk though the school
smile and be very
open and out
be who you truly are
If folks come to you
look you in the eyes
say appropriate things
you are on the A team
no worries
and can rest and visist and be social
in most any backyard in that neighborhood
as well as the PTA
and know support is with you.
If you feel eyes on you
notice discomfort
secret whispers
a shift in the air
duck,
kickball at 9:00!
I know life is not this simple
But finding a safe home really is
Unless you are willing to educate everyday
defend
question
and worry
everyday
then find a place when you can just be at peace
and be one family in the community
not one different family
or one novel family (even though I know you are special!)
We live in the burbs - horse country!
but we really tested it out first
we walked to town
played with our African American kids at the playground
asked questions
Are there bigots here?
Sure, they are everywhere - that's life
but here they are polite and keep their comments to them selves
Difference exists and always will
but you deserve peace
as do your boys
Pick a town where you know
you can all go to the ice cream shop
holding hands
or to the 4th of July parade as a family
and just look at the floats
not looking over your shoulder
every moment
for the impending sting of the ball

Good luck!

XOXO
Evolved Mom - Stacey

Sperm Allergy - Advice to a yucked out mama to be

2008-04-06T08:42:00.021-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: Do u think someone can be allergic to sperm? I know it's crazy but each time I go for an insemination session (4th month of trying) I feel totally gross, yucky and eventually itchy. Almost like a yeast infection. Am I crazy?

Dear Spermophobe: So, science first. There are actually a minority of people in the world who are allergic to sperm. According to Estronaut a web forum focusing on women's heath.

"Like just about any other substance, it is possible to be allergic to semen. An allergic reaction is the result of the immune system overreacting to a foreign substance. The immune system recognizes the presence of something that is not part of the body, and it rushes to the location where the unfamiliar material is detected."

For the record, actually being blessed with this allergy is extremely rare. So if you really believe this might be true, please go get checked out by your GYN and rule it out
before you read on.

Okay, now that you know you are not actually allergic to the nasty little suckers, let me offer you an alternative perspective.

If you are like me
or really like any other
red-blooded American
dyke on the planet
the idea of sperm completely freaks you out
you imagine creepy little faces swimming angrily in the test tube
and each and every little fishy
reminds you of the one time
you actually touched
or was close to having
to touch or see
an actual penis in high school
behind the bleachers
or playing truth or dare
or for me the memory is of larry's club house
on a rainy Saturday after Hebrew school
at 13
To be honest
I couldn't even type the word semen in this blog
I had to cut and paste it so I didn't have to
...shit .....I just wrote it... AHHHH

Okay, back to the point.
I think you have a big case of the Lezzies
look, sperm just ain't in our world, let alone our bodies!
totally normal and nothing to panic about

so without even charging you for an office visit
I have the perfect prescription for you

Focus with me

you want a baby with your wife
and, at least for now
try and try as you might (hee hee)
you just can't get her pregnant on your own
so you need something to get the ball rolling right?

Our 5 year old daughter
wanted to hear her birth story
after hearing her brother's adoption story
we told her we needed a special chemical
that a woman's body needs to make a baby
and the
doctor put it in mommy
and she began growing
and that is all you need
simple as that
all sperm is
is a faceless
non-scary
non-childhood adolescent memory
chemical
to help you create your family.
Just like cars need gas to go
we need this awesome chemical called sperm
to get us moving

So focus on the result
and I bet the itch will go

Evolved Mom - Stacey

One Love - Advice to a closeted mom

2008-04-03T11:05:00.005-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: What is the best way to come out to your children? Mine are 7 and 5 and they have already been asking questions and want to see me kiss my girlfriend. I have explained a little bit to them. I told them that i liked girls...the kissing kind of like. They kind of understand, or so i thought. My daughter said, I'm gay because i like girls. like my friends at school and you... So i need some help explaining exactly what it means to be gay. Thanks

Dear Closeted Mom:

They know

in whatever way

a kid can understand

believe me

they get it

kids are super sensitive to difference

and wanting to fit in

They know your family looks different

and that had to not only be okay

but you need to be in charge of making it

almost a non issue

so when the comments fly

in 5th grade

or even when a curious 6 year old asks your kids where their daddy is

they can have a cool

non-defensive

and confident answer.

There is no room and no air to grow a family - in a closet.

I think all they need is love

and a little bit of exposure

the right words

and they will get it

Our kids are the same ages

But they have never had a day, when we weren't out

It's not about flaunting

its about living naturally

organically

and letting them see

that you are proud of who you are

We have told our kids

Our love is the same love

as other mommies and daddies have for each other

They know the words gay and lesbian-they say them loud at times

- even louder than we might be ready for

"hey mom? Is she gay" - they bellow across the park

We tell them that there are all kinds of love

and we make sure to have many kid appropriate books that show

families like ours

We go to gay family events from time to time

Contact Family Equality to see what is in your area

But the only important thing

is to be open and honest

teach them to be proud of you and of themselves by example

you have nothing to hide

and kids are funny

sometimes they really get it and don't need to know more

they will ask you if they do

In our house

we have hot a whole new level

sometimes the kids seem sad when I say

- you know guys, you might not be gay and that's okay!

we will love you like crazy no matter what you are

and no matter who you love!

Be open - be proud - teach pride

Evolved mama - Stacey

A place for everything

2008-03-31T19:21:00.003-05:00

It has come to my attention that some newer visitors to this blog were offended by my recent post about homophobia at our children’s school. So offended that they found it necessary to find read, print, discuss, distribute and introduce it to the headmaster of my children’s elementary school.

Perhaps we should first discuss what a blog is, maybe that would help our new readers have some context for my last rant, and all of my previous years of rants, advice and poetic comments of participatory journalism.

Wikipedia defines a blog as:
(an abridgment of the term web log) a website where entries are commonly displayed in reverse chronological order. "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.

Many blogs provide commentary or news on a particular subject; others function as more personal online diaries. A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, web pages, and other media related to its topic. The ability for readers to leave comments in an interactive format is an important part of many blogs. Most blogs are primarily textual, although some focus on art (artlog), photographs (photoblog), sketchblog, videos (vlog), music (MP3 blog), audio (podcasting) are part of a wider network of social media. Micro-blogging is another type of blogging which consists of blogs with very short posts. As of December 2007, blog search engine Technorati was tracking more than 112 million blogs.

Each blog has it’s own raison d’etre if you will. Ours has always been to create and provide a space, a community for gay and lesbian parents to connect, find comfort, seek advice and share stories - commonality. A place for opinioned rants – mine, as the heading clearly states – and most importantly, a place to fit, complain, come together. And all who love, all who want to learn, all who are open are welcome.

That said, perhaps we should also discuss what is and is not appropriate when dealing with conflict - in a child’s educational setting – in THAT context and environment and also in a separate media editorial blog context.

You see
I was SHOCKED when I received a call from the school
Asking me to meet with the headmaster
Telling me a family had read my blog and was upset
In fact one family had informed another of the blog…
So then there were two…
Worlds collided
There is a time, place and way to be in all contexts
Like when you are at work and a colleague introduces a political joke, or over personal conversation. Very uncomfortable – because the two just don’t fit together. I believe there are appropriate places and times to discuss these issues. When I go to work I wear a suit, cover my tattoos and take out my eyebrow ring. Life has its uniforms and frankly I am ok with most them.

This blog
My blog
Has a purpose
An audience
A place that it fits
A need that it fills
An importance
Not just for myself but for many – internationally
Gay families need places to feel – discuss – share and connect
To feel free to express
Uninhibited
Unafraid
Just as coats and ties have a place
There is a modality to blogging and ranting that differs from the
Office modality, the subway way of being and the elementary school modes of communication and language.
Look – you don’t wear a tuxedo to go mountain climbing.

When discussing this incident of homophobia at our school
I did not wear the activist hat
I did not use the radical voice
Or the advocate mantra
My hat was MOM
And I speak and spoke with an eye to my kids
And a community that I cherish and greatly feel blessed by.
I would NEVER introduce this mode
Blogging mode
of language into our school
Everything has a place – a uniform if you will
And coming from the side of difference
Of oppression
Of “other” for so long
Perhaps I understand these rules better than most.

We chose to handle this situation maturely
With an understanding of people’s processes
Kid gloves
An eye to, yes, educate
But as organically as possible

I chose to share this incident on my blog
Because it is relevant
And important
And allows dialogue and learning
And a place for me to vent - which was quite needed
And this is exactly the type of moment that
I have written about
and answered questions about for years
Unchanged

But now
Another
Has introduced
My professional activist voice and language
My external poetry
Into the mom, child, educational arena
And is condemning my language
In that arena

I am not naive
I know that what I write is public
We are syndicated
If you Google
“my daddy’s name is donor” (one of our T’s)
Every conservative site across the net has an article condemning us
And I value the dialogue
I value the challenge
Frankly I value the publicity - can’t hurt eh?
I expect it in the world
And in All appropriate contexts

I am shocked however
And I find myself feeling violated and invaded
That parents at our school
Chose to expend time and energy
Seek out, find, read, print, discuss, complain about and
Then bring to the headmaster of our school
Out of the context of the full blog
This one entry
And condemn

The writing was done appropriately in context
Where it fits
It is the bringing of my writing
Where the violation exists for me
Why were they even reading this blog?
Clearly not for advice or to purchase gay baby clothing for their kids
I did not ever intend for this to occur
Good god
Imagine if all of our writings
All of our political views and biases
Our communications at work
Poetry we published in college
from our church sermons to graffiti
Our first novels depicting our hard childhoods to
Letters to the editor of People
Imagine if all of these were brought before all of our peers
In all contexts
My, that would be pretty!

I am so very disappointed
That this occurred
No parent spoke to us directly – as we did out of respect for them
And look, conflicts will arise
Disagreements occur and discussion about them is
Of utmost importance
And how they are handled lays the groundwork for the future

But in this case
what did they seek to accomplish?
To silence us?
Remove us?
Cover up our concerns and erase them?
hide their embarrassment?
Did they assume the headmaster would agree with them?
Gang up with them and bully us into silence
Did they expect the school to participate in quieting us
In our external editorial?
How distressing!

Our school howeveras always
Acted with grace and care
And a huge dose of support and respect for
Our kids - our family - all families
Diversity
The administrators engaged in a deliberate
Open dialogue with us
And we are grateful for that

The issue for the kids is resolved
But we have no closure

And now here is the rub
There is now
A palpable level of discomfort at school
Once our haven

People are talking – as people do
We handled this situation perfectly calmly maturely
Thought it was done
And yet it is not over
We now do not know who to trust
Who are our friends?
Our allies
Or at least the folks who are open to us or learning more
Who will now become closed to us
Due to this
Due to gossip
Due to discomfort

We feel violated (weren’t we already wronged once in this already?)
We feel somewhat stifled and edited
And now we must be defensive
And wonder what folks think
Who they are talking to
Again we must feel “different”
Must I worry each time I post of who I will please and anger in each phrase?
Of who is reading this blog?

And why come here?
Why read
If our blog does not fit your world view
If you are easily offended
there are 47 million other blogs
Just click and you will be freed from our liberal
Opinionated blathering
If I choose to listen to Imus
Or Dr. Laura or Rush
I am not shocked when I find I am offended

I am at a complete loss now
Mitigated only by the fact
That our children went to school the next day
Skipping
Blissfully unaware and unpoisoned
By all of this chaos

My wife said to me
What is important
Is our love
Helping to raise our amazing kids
And being blessed to be able to educate and help the world
So be it.

baby sage turns 5

2008-03-30T20:01:00.006-05:00

It took longer to make the cake
than to make Torin Sage
first try at the GYN office
and 5 days later
Jessie was nauseous

It took longer to design the cake
choose the ingredients
cut the shapes
than to narrow down on the donor
we knew in an instant
which one was right
and magical
and for us

It took longer to mix and bake
decorate (yup it's all edible)
assemble
and color
than for Torin to be born
The cake was 72 hours of labor
Jessie was in labor for only a hellish 6

How can it be
that the miracle of our daughter
took less time

I think of families who do not cherish
do not respect
do not dote on their babies

Every day with Torin is a miracle
magical
and a blessing

cherish your little ones
bake them cakes of doggies and lakes
give them the world
show them it's beauty
so that they can pass on the
love
to their children

ah family
ah love
that's how to change the world

one magical cake at a time
(Zion wants a skate board park cake - goddess help me!)

Happy birthday Torin Sage!
thanks for picking us!

homophobia begins at home

2008-03-25T07:16:00.005-05:00

Private schools
have 2 weeks of vacation
in a row!
After preparing for a week
it seems to take a week for the kids to settle in
they miss their routine
their friends
one week of play
and then another to
orient them back
to the world.....

Our world came with a bit of a bummer moment this week
1st day back from break
my son
in his crunchy private school
was exposed to big batch of home grown homophobia
really the worst kind - or maybe the only kind
a girl in his class, a friend actually
told Zion that two moms can't actually have a child
so that means that "his family tree is broken"
and that "we broke it!"
she went on in her monologue to tell him why having a dad is better than 2 moms
"dads play sports with you and let you play with toy guns!"
Ahh where to begin
Here is what we did NOT say

Dykes love sports and we can kick your dads ass at any sport any time anywhere
Idiots play with guns and even bigger idiots lets their kids play with them
Zion is adopted - a straight family could not handle having a baby and chose us to raise him - guess their tree is broken honey - we had the power to make a tree with ovaries only -now that's power!

Jessie, my wife did call her parents with the hope of offering some language to help their daughter understand. Jessie did not blame. She actually said that their child was not bulling and that she just wanted to be helpful.

Dad - our daughter has never known anyone like this and "alternative lifestyles" are new to HER. And she "did not learn this at home"

Jessie spoke to the mom at drop off today - Mom was frozen and clearly not understanding why we were still discussing it. In a panic to end talking to the lesbian she stated repeatedly "we will talk to her"

Luckily for us the school rocks and today the teacher will read Tango and few other books that might help.

The teachers will begin to educate the child whose parents raised her and trained her and taught her to limit, judge and look down upon others

we have our work cut out for us people

lets get out there and fight

love, S & J

Stray

2008-02-25T10:54:00.003-05:00

This weekend

our kids were looking at buttons they bought in New York

on vacation

last year

My daughter who is almost five

pointed to one which read

"hate is not a family value" and confidently read it to us

"GAY" she said

Then she pointed to a rainbow one

"GAY"

Then to one which said "I love my gay family"

"GAY"

she said again

Jessie, my wife pointed to herself

"GAY" she said with a laugh
Zion, now almost 8

then pointed to himself

"GAY" he said

"no wait"

"straight" he said

"no wait"

"Mommy, I am a STRAY"

that's what you are when you don't know yet

if you are straight or gay

"I am a STRAY"

happy as punch he skipped away

very pleased with his new title

"don't know yet"

You just have to love this live

don't ya?

clinton or obama? - advice

2008-02-17T15:45:00.010-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: So what do we do? 2 great candidates. one african american and one woman. How great but how do we choose? Undecided in Ohio.

Dear Undecided:
Before the Massachusetts primary

we got a call
from our neighbor across the street
She was calling for obama
and assumed
that as we have black children
that he was our man
Several people have also assumed
that we are for hilary
because we are women
and honestly I am offended
that those who know us
albeit not close frinds
assume that we would make any desicions based solely on race or gender
On top of all of our opintions and concerns and worries
you bet I'd love to have a black man or a woman at the helm
hell yes I would
and how wonderful to have these choices!
But for me this is not about
race or gender
and I do have an opinion
after research and struggle
after looking at the history
after weighing and balancing issues
for my house it's hilary
but not because she 's a woman
although that adds a nice element to it all
her stance on healthcare
don't ask don't tell
her lack of religious and proselytizing rhetoric
for me
politics
should not be religious
that's my line
no gender or race assumption
just what feel's right in this house
if obama gets the nomination
we would be there for him
both choices after all
are amazing
but I hope for hilary
her experience
her power
it's her time

Hope that helps
Evolved Mom Stacey

naming the baby - advice

2008-02-03T08:52:00.001-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: We are expecting a baby any day now. And just cannot decide on a name for her, or him... We don't want boring and don't want crazy. My wife wants to use a family name and I am unsure. The birth mom is having some beginning contractions - so time is of the essence. Any advice? sami

Dear Sami:

Congratz. When our son was born
we had no time at all
We signed up with an agency
and 4 months later we were
on a plane
flying to
louisianna
without a name
We had talked about family names
(Isaac Israel - my grandfather's - a bit of a burden we thought)

we decided on Zion
because
zion national park
is our most favorite place to be
on earth
beautful powerful and serene
it just
felt right
We also felt the name was nice and short
easy to write with a big fat crayon
hard to make rhyming teases out of
and
also
had meaning
"holy place"
perfect

As for his last name
we decided to all take my name (harris)
at the prompting of my mother
(which was sweet and sort if shocking for her back then)
Middle name
Sun for our son
because we are still hippies at heart.
Our daughters name
Torin
meaning tender and chief
found it in a magical names book
a perfect fit
she now has more nick names than we can count
torin sage
became
sagey
TT
baby sage
Tor
tiny
and her favorite
T Bone (really)

My advice
go with your gut
feel no pressure from others
and just try to make sure
it's a name that's hard to tease with
spacey stacey was not fun

also - I notice in Torins Pre-K class
that kids with big names
like christopher
madelinne
charolette
simmerin
really struggle to get their names on paper
I think shorter
or at leat a quick nickname is good

I try to think of what life would be like
for a tomboy like me
if my name had been
daisy
or lilly
and I am thankful
for a more neutral name
like stacey

and lastly
as gay as we are
I don't think our kids need to have names like
sappho
labryis
kinsey...
and just how many ellen
melissa's or Amy's can there really be in our community?

your child with make a name for themselves
regardless of the name
you give them
on paper
enjoy the process
and go with what feels right to you

By the way
I have never liked my name
could have been worse
but I have never
felt like it fit
so maybe
regardless of what we do as parents
our kids will want to find their own
that fits who they are as they find our who they are

I am on the lookout for a nickname that works
when I travel
most folks call me Boston
and I kinda like it now

blessings to the new little one!
Send us a picture - with the name!

Crazy Mother

2008-02-01T11:37:00.000-05:00

Last week at Ballet school
my son
was playing with a boy
you all know this boy

he has a lot of trouble

controlling himself

ever seeing any boundaries

he almost seems pathological at times

but you know he isn’t

just a kid with some issues

and no limits at home

I was walking the boys

to another building

when the boy turned

and slapped my son on the arm

so hard

so loud

so out of nowhere

that I immediately yelled at him to never touch my son that way again

I was caught off guard

such a strange moment

peaceful to insanity in 2 seconds
This kid has always made me edgy
he’s combustible

I think there is more latitude for boys

in ballet

because there are so few

that they seem to want to keep them

regardless

so he stays

and plagues me

I told the director that I had some serious concerns

and she decided to speak to the boys the following week

so Tuesday

as I waited with zion for class

the other boys mom

came up to me

yelling

in front of zion

in front of my 4 year old

in front of all of the children

and tried to engage me

in a fight

totally blind to boundaries

her face red

her hands clenched

fierce

animalistic

I am not one to ever back down

I am just not good at it

but there were kids

my kids

and she was so in her own world

and then she yelled at zion

in front of us all

for no reason

and he looked at me

what did I do wrong he said?

nothing at all I said
looking at her

and I left

with my daughter

and had another mom

a sane one

stay with zion until class began

so I could contain myself

so I could talk to the director

my hands shaking

from this weird verbal assault

from fending off a high school level

purposeless bitch fight

in front of my kids

and then suddenly

in one second's time
this kid that has bugged me

for months

this kid that I have wanted to throttle

suddenly

I had nothing but love for him
and a good dose of pity

even when he is rude

and distracting

and horrid

it is clearly all he has been taught

from mommy

It's amazing how important

this job

of parenting is

their little lives

their huge dreams

depending on us

I had to be an adult

control myself

walk away

and now I will begin

to love a kid

I despise

because

someone must

Many little quesitons

2008-01-30T11:01:00.000-05:00

Over the past many months
I have been asked a variety of small
interesting questions

so here goes

Dear Evolved Moms:

Q: How old are you?
A: 38

Q: your funny, ever thought of stand up?
A: I think sit-down comedy works best for me

Q: what makes you the gay parenting advice expert of the world?
A: wow! Thanks, I didn't know I was an expert.
Look, I listen, I live, I write. I do the best I can and I am happy folks listen
this works for me
if you don't agree
I am sure other "experts exist"

Q: do your kids know their birth parents
A: Our kids each have a story that is their to share as they live and grow
we have told them their stories. And share with them more and more as they grow and ask.
one day, they might choose to share it with the world
or maybe not
but I feel it's theirs to share

Q: Do you think Pride day is a place for kids?
A : I think kids live in this world and have pride for their families
I think some events do it better, and safer than others
We bring ours to some
some only for certain parts
and some not at all
I think there is power and education in it if it is done safety

Q: How many tattoos do you have
A: 2 but I have plans for a third

Q: How would you describe yourself
A: Hmmm. Silly, poetic, loyal, mama, woman, dyke

Q: Is it true you used to be a hairdresser?
A: Curious how you know that... Yup. For 10 years. Helped with the bills during law school. Yup Lawyer for another 10. Now this and our clothing and promotional company. I wonder what will be next?

Q: Do you vote? If so, for whom?
A: Hell yes I vote. In the end I will choose the the democratic nominee. But I hope for Hillary.

Q How is your partner doing?
A: Great! Thanks for asking.

Q: Do you sing in the shower
A: Always, and really everywhere. Quite embarrassing for the little ones at times!

Q: Do you own a skirt
A: What do you think?

Q: If you could be any animal what would it be?
A: Human (preferably female)

Thanks for the small questions. They were fun. Keep em coming.

XOXO
Evolved Mom Stacey

What is a woman? Advice

2008-01-28T21:10:00.000-05:00

Dear EM: I found out this week that I cannot conceive. So weird. I am 31, a lesbian, partnered and I always thought, someday, I would find the girl of my dreams and have a family. And now all I feel is that I am less than a woman. Maybe not a woman. I never thought of this possibility. Not sure I have a Q for you. ...Depressed

Dear Depressed: So many of us out there
have been though this
in one form or another
I tried for two years
fertility drugs
cycles
ultrasounds
sperm...
I put my body though every test
to try and determine
what was wrong
with me
so much stress and time and money
did I mention stress?
I went for IVF once
and that was the line for us
why risk my health
my body
for a baby??
That was when I realized
having a baby
would never define me
or make me less
or more
or different

There are many ways to make a family
looks like you are on the right road
the right girl
won't care if the baby comes out of you
or her
or another
only that you will love and cherish forever

one day
years after our fertility process was done
I was joking around
with my wife
about having cramps
why the hell
should I get them if I am barren?
she looked at me shocked
so worried I was upset
but I was cracking up
it was all so silly
after time
and mourning
and healing
there was life
for us
it came from another
a birth mom
and 3 years later
another
from my wife

I am no less a woman
because I did not carry
I feed
and nurture
and changed poopy diapers

I am the Barrenness
my superhero name
I am powerful
I am woman
you are powerful
you are woman
nothing can stop us

when life moves
and time passes
and you can zoom out
you will see
being a woman
is what you have always been
and will always be

and you are lovely

EM - Stacey

Parenting stress - advice

2008-01-27T20:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms:
Why is parenting so damn stressful sometimes? Lucia (2 moms of 2)

Lucia
Parenting sucks because the kids make us act like grownups. They make us sound like our parents and set limits and do big boring grown up things. They make us nag and bitch and complain. And we are way too cool and fun and hip and young to be a nag or seen as old.

So Lucia, parenting can suck.

But the bottom line is that all of those limits
and talks
and time
and the grumpies we deal with
and the time we take
is love
and giving that unconditional love
is the single most important part of changing their lives and really changing the world.
The hard moments will come
the sweet moments are sweeter
when we work hard
and love hard
breathe
take time for yourself
and if you have time
read anything by Anthony E. Wolf
it will help
and remember
you are not your mom
you are way cooler
you nag less
you are way more fun
and your kids think you are awesome
if they didn't
love and trust you
they wouldn't give you so much shit!

All the best,

Evolved Mom Stacey

Son of a dyke

2008-01-24T08:28:00.000-05:00

A new semester has begun
in Ballet
The director tells me
Zion will be moved up
to Modern II
and a try in Ballet II
although he is young, she says
I am proud and so excited
although my lesbian self
can't full wrap itself around the draw of it all
I can feel his excitement welling
his pride
he has worked so hard
at 7 he is more focused
muscled
controlled
than I will ever be
I wait until we are in car
I have news love...
He holds his breath
then
screams in bliss
"open the door mama
I need air"
YAHOOOOOOOOOO
YEAAAAAAAAAAAH
I DID IT I DID IT
My son
the athlete
my son the intense
in this arena
he sees no limits
and his confidence soars
"soon I might be Fritz in the Nutcracker!"
soon my love
At school he worries so much about fitting in
plays rough with the boys
shows off for laughs
chats during class
wants to wear certain things
won't wear others
African American
son of two white lesbian moms
who loves ballet
and yet

it is the differences
the two moms
the ballet
the race conversations
where he shines
he excels
he is bold
he has no fear
nice to know
in those moments
we are doing
a good job
he feels so safe

and off
to ballet we go

Bubbled wrapped kids - advice

2008-01-23T11:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: My 5 year old son is not yet able to stay dry at night and I am BESIDE MYSELF! I am worried he will get teased at sleepovers, I am worried that he will feel bad about himself, I am worried that his self esteem will crumble as we seems to argue about it constantly! My mother says he's old enough to be dry. I can't stand this constant stress and bickering about pull ups and peeing at midnight. What can I do? He really doesn't seem to care that he's we 90% of the time. Mom who's sick of pull ups.

Whoa the sick of pull ups mom:
I think it's time to breath a bit
First of all your baby boy
and I did say baby
is only 5
many many many kids -
especially boys
are not dry by 5, 6, 7 even 9
and is he even old enough for sleep overs?

But I don't think that is the issue here

You cannot protect your child from everything
in fact
if you try
how will they ever relate in the world
with stress
and peers
and choices?
We want to keep them loved and safe - but not emotional invalids
or total stress cases

What I also hear
and I am sorry to be so blunt
is YOUR embarrassment with this issue
you want him dry
your mom thinks it's time
and you have put the pressure on

So I would like to give you a bit of perspective
being dry or wet a 5
is not a crisis to loose sleep over
and actually being dry 10% of the time should be celebrated in a kid struggling with is!

war
peace
floods
starvation
homelessness
violence
just to name a few reality checks to stress over for you

lets go smaller
a ten year old who cannot read
gay families in Florida
who cannot adopt
president bush
my wife getting diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis
Heath Ledger
autism

all things to stress about
and then
after we stress and fret
we find
hopefully
that life and love are and parenting and relationships
come in many beautiful forms
and can include so many things
even if some are lacking

look
we all go rounds with our kids
but praising the blessings
has far more power then
a constant negative banter
wouldn't you tune it out?

at this point in his life
I would put on the pull up and not check in about for another year at least!

no one goes to college in diapers
but many go with OCD and anxiety disorders...

he will be fine
you will be fine
breathe

Evolved Mom Stacey

Television for kids of gay and lesbian parents - Advice

2008-01-20T12:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: I am just so sick of our kids watching any TV programming. Even Sesame Street (as inclusive as it is) still does not show ANY representations that even remotely look like our family. I have 2 year old twins, a 4 year old and we are on a waiting list for one more very soon. Any ideas? Dads who are going TV free!

Dear TV free Dads. Wow are you guys busy! Go you! Listen you might not need to fully unplug just yet.

First I should tell you that we are pretty
strict about TV at our place.
No TV during the week
Weekends we are pretty loose about it with a few exceptions
All commercials must be muted
and no violence (so lesbian pacifist - I know)
We have found that Noggin and other PBS shows
definitely are inclusive
of gender, of race, of national origin of ability...
but you are right
even shows who CLEARLY have gay hosts
don't seem to ever include us... hmmmmm.

Until now...
We were fortunate enough to get word of a new show called
Dottie's Magic Pockets
I have to admit I was VERY sceptical
We surround our kids
with books about all kinds of families
have open discussion
Go to family week....
I honestly assumed it was for the education of the
non-diversified and unenlightened

Let me say for the record
Not only was I wrong
But I did not even know
such a need existed in my home

We put the DVD on
and both kids were silent - no small feat!
My four year old started saying things like
"Mama - those caterpillars are two daddies"
Grinning wide with glee
My son - the sage 7 year old
"mama, she just said partner and she has a tattoo! like you!"

Sure it was educational - very in fact
but who cared?
my kids suddenly felt included on a level were I
didn't even now there was a deficit
They wanted it again and again
BOTH OF THEM!

Run don't walk
and order the video
she is truly wonderful
and parents actually will not get sick
of the sweet songs
and messages

To catch her live
she will be on the next R Family Cruise
in March

It's about time!

So guys
Limit a lot
but the good stuff does exists
and I am sure
we will be seeing a lot more of Dottie!

Evolved Mom - Stacey

It's great to be gay! Advice to a rural mom!

2008-01-15T09:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: I live in the middle of the country in the middle on nowhere - really! It's hard here to live, its hard to be gay here. It's super hard to be a gay mom here. Please please please tell me something uplifting about being gay. It's just hard today. And you always make me laugh! Kentucky mama.

Okay Kentucky mama. Here is my best shot.

Top 10 reasons to be a lesbian (and a lesbian mom):

1) Think of what we save on birth control!

2) We can't get pregnant by accident - no unplanned babies for us!

3) When we do wants kids - we have two uterus's to work with

4) We can share clothing with our partner - double the wardrobe.

5) We always get and give empathy for PMS and cramps with our wife!

6) We can always fool around in bathrooms together!

7) We are finally cutting edge - everyones trying it - I guess queer really is the new black!

8) We get to make all of our conservative relatives and neighbors nervous - and make them think of things they really don't want to just by existing (hee hee)

9) The L-Word

10) We might finally have a vagina in the white house - and one who loves us!

okay 11) We get our own parade every year!

Hope that helps!

It really is a wonderful life. find love - find humor - and live

Evolved Mom Stacey

Infusion of love

2008-01-07T09:49:00.001-05:00

My fairy daughter
asked Santa for a puppy

She said she would name him Mike

regardless of gender

She told Santa she needed nothing else

for her birthday was coming soon

She has an unwavering belief

in all things magical

and sparkly

She KNEW she was good

She knew Santa would come

She saw him twice at the mall and wrote a letter with a picture of Mike
And everyday

for 3 months

she told us how she would pick up poop and walk him

and love him

My son, the realist

the cynic

7 year old man

pulled us aside

and begged us to

STOP making him play

this foolhardy game of Santa

"You know I don't believe and I never have"

He did not think a dog would happen

he wanted gifts

Zion believes in science

in action

in what he can prove and disprove himself

He is a Taurus - like me

blessing and a curse

He sees a butterfly

and feels it is beautiful and understands it is alive

and has a life cycle

and tells us about it

Torin thinks they are hatched out of pixie dust

why the need to explain? She just knows

On Christmas morning

my children were dragged out of bed

by me

impatient for the fun to begin

matching jammies and gifts and music

I just love the holiday!

They rounded the corner

and saw the tree

the gifts

and 10 week old Mike

Torin - my fairy - smiled

content

"I knew he would be here"

she calmly began to pet him

My son

knelt down on the floor

covered his face

and burst into happy tears

in shock and disbelief

not able to wrap his logical brain

around how this dream

had come true

his eyes sparkled

and for a moment

I know

he believed

Happy holidays folks!

Stacey

Saying Grace - Advice

2007-12-07T10:41:00.000-05:00

Hi Evolved Mommies! How do you get a kid to say grace at dinner? When I was a kid it was mandatory - we actually feared it. But now I am hard wired to do it and my kids just moan and groan. Ideas?? XOXO Mommy etiquette.

Dear Mommy Etiquette. I think the exercise of "grace" is a really important one.
Kids
all of us really
need to be reminded
daily
of what we are thankful for
it's necessary
it's peaceful
it's helps us stay grounded

However
I don't
think it needs to be feared
if its a hated ritual
no one can learn from it

In our home
we thank the universe at dinner each night
its bigger than us
and our kids get that
they can say
anything they want
but need to be thankful
for something each day
with my 7 year old
we try to limit it to 3 things or he will go on and on forever
They argue a bit about who is to go first
sometimes we go by age
or who had an amazing day
Here is what it looks like:

Mommy: I thank the universe for our new house
a great place to work
and all of you

Me: I am thankful for
coffee in the morning
wonderful food to eat
and my family

Zion (age 7) I thank the universe for
John Kerry
my family
the Red Socks
snow
peace
ballet....

Torin (age 4)
I fank de uvnerse
for apple juice
and hot dogs

Let the feast begin!

It's fun
and fast
and humbling

So relax
modify
and let the kids lead this one
It doesn't matter what they are thankful for
we just care that they
have an awareness
and are truly
thankful
for something.

Hope that helps!

Evolved Mom - Stacey

Organized religon? Advice to spiritual dads

2007-11-29T10:29:00.000-05:00

Hi Stacey! My husband and I are very spiritual people. A bit on the Pagan/solstice side of like if you know what I mean. That has always worked for us. My in laws however, just hate this! They pretty much steered clear of talking religion for years, but when our son Gabriel was born 3 years ago they began pushing. He needs "organized religion", "he needs a clear moral structure" Blah blah blah... It's always worse at holiday time. They offer to bring him to church and buy him biblical things. Do you feel a kid needs to have "organized religion"? What can we say to them? Karl.

Hi Karl, Religion is a touchy subject for many parents.

As gay and lesbian families

we, more often then not

have not felt comfortable in "organized religion"

Lets be real here

most religious are full of rules condemning us!

Not really great lessons for our kids...

That's not the moral compass my kids need.

Most religions

have wonderful lessons and values and teachings

unfortunately the judgements woven into the threads

the rigidity

the guilt

are often more confusing than having none at all

My view

all kids need to believe

in something

miraculous

something bigger then them

something magical

and loving

and amazing

call it the goddess

call it the universe

call it god

call it magic

just believe

Find those like you

build community

celebrate

and teach your values

to your son

Explain to your mother in law

how some religions feel to you and why

why your practice fits

invite her

if you wish

to learn

about what matters to YOUR family

All kids need to learn

karmic lessons

lessons of action and reaction

kindness

love

commitment

death and life

internal strength

When I was a child

I went to Temple

and my rabbi took all of the 6th graders

every year

to visit

5 other religious institutions

so that we could see

what exists

and what was right for us

how cool is that

allowing people to decide for themselves!

That is what truly matters

Our family celebrates Yule at home

Hanukkah with grandma

and also gets santa

Enjoy the holidays

and just believe

Its a magical time for all!

happy holiday

2007-11-20T19:51:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow we travel to Vermont
turkey
snow
family
unbridled love
the kids play
no judgements
no rules
no calories
no timelines

two moms
grammy and grampy
aunts and uncles
a dog
santa
mini horses
children's dreams
a list
hugs
dancing hippies
cocoa
whoever drops by
sleep
pie for breakfast
pie for lunch
pie for dinner
snuggling

my rainbow family
my chosen family
unconditional love
I am so thankful

Pam

2007-11-19T12:09:00.000-05:00

4 weeks ago

this past friday

Jessie, my wife

said her eye was bugging her

it had been for 2 days

conjunctivitis she thought or maybe a weird cold

Oprah was on the news that thursday

saying women don't get the health care they need

Oprah had a thyroid issue

she didn't know

Jessie, I said

Oprah said you need to go to the MD

Women don't go when they should

Okay honey, she said

she set up a time on friday

4 weeks ago

We awoke and drove in separate cars

to the kids school

parent teacher conferences

The meetings were great and loving and insightful

lots to love a little bits to work on

just like our kids

I drove home

Jessie drove to the eye doctor

and then

I didn't hear from her

hours passed

I couldn't reach her

I picked up the kids

went home

waited

waited waited

we usually talk compulsively

like adolescent school girls in love

I remember

Torin was playing dress up

Zion playing Piano

I was about to start a movie

Jessie called

There is a problem

with my eye

I need to be hospitalized

please come

BLUR

grabbed Torin, in dress up clothing, no pants

throw kids in car

stay calm

heart racing

called a friend to get the kids

zion is crying

I think

I talk to jessie

she is scared

its pouring

lightning

thunder

I can't drive fast enough

trade kids in the lot of the Ground Round

Zion is crying

I am alone with Jessie

We go to the ER

BLUR

test

BLUR

no vision

BLUR

heart racing

BLUR

Diagnosis

Jessie has MS. . .

BLUR

no answers

time passes

4 days in the hospital

to get her vision back

phone calls

flowers

childcare

feigning normalcy

Intense love

intense fear

I drive the kids home

to live life

for them

what should I be doing

What do I need everyone asks

all I can think about

is that I don't have any cooking spray in the house

that is my only recurring thought

for hours

My neighbor brings me a can of Pam she has in her house

relief

now I can begin

this process

whatever this process is

this new road I am on

Where nothing is different

and everything has changed

I never knew it was possible to love her more than I have

but now I am

at a whole new level

clarity love time

It's funny what you need

to keep you whole

Thank you to all of you who have sent us love

Jessie is back at work

kicking ass as usual

Look out work

she is ready for a fight!

Teen Angst - Advice to gay parents "who know nothing!"

2007-11-19T11:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: Our teenage daughter (15) is in the depth of teenage angst. Dating, moods, anger... For the first time ever she has been saying that we couldn't possibly understand what she is going though as "we are lesbians and she is NOT". She has always been a huge supporter of our family and so proud that we were gay and out parents. How could she suddenly change so drastically? What can we do? We miss our baby girl! moms from Minnesota.

Dear Moms from Minnesota. Your baby girl is growing up. No matter how hard it is to accept, she is trying to separate from you, they all do and they all need to. I think you may be missing the point a bit. She does not sound to me like she is suddenly no longer supportive of your being gay, she just sounds like a teenager.

Sounds like she needs a few things from you:

1) Space
Although it sucks, we all must give the kids room to grow
even when we don't want to
they need to now they can fly
2) New conversation
It sounds like you need a new seat
she is not against you
or against being gay
she is finding herself
and maybe she does see you as different
Try to remember how you were when you were coming out
I was ANGRY
I was blue hair
Donahue talk show
serial dating
tattoo
p-town
president of the GLBT club
in your face crazy

That's a teenager
pushing boundaries
to see where she fits
to try to find some meaning in all of her changes

Might be time to tell her what coming out felt like
I am assuming your parents were straight
and you couldn't relate
talk to her
she may need to hear you get it

3) hardest one
Maybe she needs someone else to talk to
an adult that she feels she can relate to right now
don't take it as threatening
or a diss
she loves you, your the moms and always will be
but the more trustworthy adult friends a kid has
in this big complicated world
the better

sounds like you raised an amazing kid
who is not shy about speaking her mind
and talking about her feelings
Very important skills I'd say!!

Let her be vocal
and give her love
you found your own path
help her find her own
she will find one
back to you
I assure you

But during the process
I also recommend for you guys
a kick boxing class, yoga and homeopathic stress remedies

No one said the teenage years
would be stress free

Good luck!

Evolved Mom Stacey

The Bathroom Quandary - Advice to two dads

2007-11-09T12:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: Where the hell is a family bathroom when you need one? Ron (my partner) and I were at the mall with our 5 year old daughter this weekend. She had to pee and, per usual, "NO FAMILY BATHROOMS!" When we took her in the men's room, people freaked out. She's not old enough to go alone to the ladies room. What can we do? -Tim

Hi Tim: Our seven year old son feels that he is ready to go in the men's room alone and I am totally not although he is VERY tall for his age and strong I just can't trust the world that much yet - nor a 7-year-old for that matter there are a million creeps in the world and although I try to believe that people are inherently good not so when it comes to my child's safety on top of that my son still forgets to look both ways crossing the street and never makes his bed and although he shows wisdom beyond his years he is interminably friendly to everyone he meets.

So here is my balance
when I know we are in a safe place
our MD office
a one stall public restroom
at ballet school...
I say okay, and let him go in the men's room
while I wait and look like a stalker outside
I usually though
force him to go into the women's room with me, which he hates!
this is ALWAYS interesting
as I look a bit like a boy and he almost a young man
many looks
but screw them all really
I need him safe
and we'd all really rather he pees, right?
third option - saved for VERY rare events
We went to a gay business expo in Boston
he was pitching a fit about wanting to use the men's room
I found a group of gay men going in
who had their own children with them
and I asked if they could take him in too
I paced outside the door
and in about 45 seconds my son returned happy as a clam
he had used the urinal
lovely for him
and also informed me that "Men don't use toilet paper"
lovely again.

So daddies remember this:

1) safety is key so just ignore the looks - she is more important than them anyway. And perhaps the onlookers might learn a thing or two about being a responsible and responsive parent!

2) occasional safe bathrooms exist and she will be so proud she went herself (although I still feel 5 is a bit too young)

3) When all else fails, look for like families and/or friends in common. But remember safety is way more important then the huge tantrum she will throw when you say no.

4) lastly - it is ALWAYS your right to barge into the opposite gender bathroom to check on her. That's a parent's job.

Please let me know how it goes and happy peeing!

Evolved Mom Stacey

Sex and Pareting - can they co-exist? Advice

2007-10-29T11:37:00.001-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: When our kids were little, other than being too tired, or having a baby in the bed with us, I had no worries about sex. But now that they are able to get around and understand the world a bit, I am constantly worried about them walking in on us, peeking in out of curiosity, and understanding what we are doing. Thinking about the kids is definitely putting a damper on things. Any advice? Love, two dads who love each other and want to love MORE!

Dear Love Dads, I hear ya! Kids can complicate things in the bedroom that’s for sure! Once the kids are out of your bed and you are feeling rested we all want to heat things up again in the bedroom! Worrying about what will happen to the kids if the see, hear or even thinking about kids can kill a mood for sure!

Friends of mine - two dads - told me this story recently. Their boys were in bed and they were...greatly enjoying each other in the middle of the night, when one of their twins opened the door and walked in.

Daddy A flew off the bed and crashed onto the floor full force. Daddy B buried himself under the covers

"What’s papa doing on the floor daddy?”
“I am looking for shoes son"
(try to hear this in a thick southern accent – so much funnier and just how they sounded!)
"you need them now?"
"Yes son, I need them right now"
"okay, can I have some water?"
"Sure son, as soon as I get the right pair of shows for tomorrow I’ll be right there"

Child was fine. Daddies laughed forever, and finished with each other after, a little boy was back in bed, and all three had a glass of much needed water.

Parenting does complicate sex
But it certainly does not end things
Like all aspects of parenting - sex needs to change a bit

Sneaking becomes more fun
An occasional sick day where you are both suddenly home is greatly recommended
Date nights
Heavily enforced nap/quiet times have been known to work for quick rendezvous
Don’t forget play dates!
Make it fun
Be inventive
I know it might not be fun to be more quiet
less crazy at certain times
or to have to plan a bit more
But just think of what you might be able to create with a bit of forethought!!

Remember!
Kids won’t break or be permanently damaged by some strange noises
or the fact that you are suddenly locking the door
or having some date nights
or giggling and having inside jokes
You are still there if they need you - always
But dammit right now – your husband needs you!!
Both can easily exist
And must
So relax
Get creative
And enjoy each other boys!!

Best
Evolved Mom Stacey

Domestic or international adoption - Advice for the worried

2007-10-15T11:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: We have been researching the multitude of adoption options for gay men. We really wanted to go domestic but have been hearing horror stories from our friends, and my partners parents about birth moms who change their minds at the last minute and agencies who won't work with gay families. Do you think we should just cut our losses and go for China? Thanks so much. Mr. and Mr. Worried.

Hi worried dads-to-be. Don't go running off to Asia just yet. I have been getting lots of questions lately about birth moms and fears. So you are not alone on this one.

Adoption
foreign or domestic
is a tricky roller coaster ride
state laws, country laws, agency policies
homophobia, racism, fear
same same same

Truly it is about what works for you.
China for example does not have super laws about gay adoption
We adopted in Louisiana
which was very hard
but our birth family was amazing
and they saved the day
hard both ways
same same same

Rest assured
There is no growing trend that birth moms
are all of the sudden changing their minds
Adoption is hard
for all involved
and obviously adding sexuality and race into the mix
can complicate things

I have always been a fan of domestic adoption
it worked for us
and for so many that we know
there are so many here who need home and parents to love them
and so many abroad too
same same same

I try to think about this:
When couples are trying to get pregnant
I always advise them
DON'T TELL ANYONE
inevitably
the advice will start to pour in
breeding fear and raising self doubt
did I take the right vitamin
am I exercising too much
why am I so moody
maybe I am not pregnant...
Once the cat is out of the bag
the world - especially family members
seem to feel compelled to share stories
overshare
Oh labor was terrible
I threw up for 9 months
I miscarried 4 times

Same too we found for adoption
Our friends had 3 children taken back by their birth moms
never quite fit in
unsure of their health....
my own father actually called to tell me the cancer rates along the Mississippi
when we told him the baby was to be born in Louisiana!
same same same

DON'T LISTEN
There are some situations that are harder than others
and yes
sometimes
it does not work out
But the vast majority do
and are seamless and brilliant
none-the-less
fasten your seat belts
buy your Rescue Remedy and go to your yoga classes
this WILL BE stressful
and will not be the smoothest ride
but in the end
it will work out
and you and Mr. Worried will be blessed
with a new little something to worry about

Follow your own path
get good solid legal
and adoption agency advice
and try not to tell your moms, sisters, best friends, or even the mail carrier
but you can always tell me!

Good luck and Peace

sewing ballet shoes

2007-10-09T09:54:00.000-05:00

Today I sat in my new kitchen

and sewed elastic

into my sons ballet shoes

with a sewing kit

my mother made for me.

I balked at at the time

I thought I would never use it

Yet here I sat

suburban house

ballet shoes

sewing kit

wishing thimbles were more like the size of catchers mitts

so I could stop getting stuck by the damn needle

who knew I'd be here...

Parents often write to me

asking what it takes

to a be a good

well-rounded parent

As gay moms and dads I think we struggle

to try to do everything

be everything

compensate

as if something is lacking

to be a good parent

you must love unconditionally

and leap often into uncharted waters

that makes you the the most qualified

and best parent of all

today

my big lesbian self

sewed ballet shoes

they might not be perfect

but they are full of love

and I did it for him

that's parenting

that's love

(just hope the elastic holds!)

How did we get so lucky?

2007-09-26T08:38:00.000-05:00

On Friday

my daughter's pre-K teacher

pulled me aside

we are studying families

what is the best way to discuss your family?

I waited...

history running through me

for the foot to fall

the nervousness about other families

what other parents might say

fear

I waited...

and no foot fell

we want to use the words that Torin knows

That she is proud of - that all of you use.

Wow - amazing...

Mommy and Mama works for us

we just tell little ones

that there are many kinds of families

if you want we can also frame a discussion about sperm donors

what? Did I hear this correctly...

In the past we have talked about donors

for other families

for example a mom and dad family that needed a donor

Wow...she didn't say straight, or normal or regular..

Sure, we have always told the kids that we needed something

like "chemicals" from a man

that we did not have

to help make her

In the past, we have said, someone wanted

to help your parents become a family

and offered a gift to help

Stunned I smiled

I trust you

I am sure whatever you say will be perfect for the kids

and thank you

How did we get so lucky?

so blessed

so protected

When did the world change?

progress

blessings

calmness

and faith

The world is slowly changing

Back to school - Advice to mommies and daddies everywhere

2007-09-14T07:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: Our son Casey is beginning Kindergarten this year. We are thrilled and terrified. I feel like I can't protect him there. Shield him from questions about his family. I know I need to let go, a little. Any advice for the first time school day lesbian mom? Thanks! Ella.

Oh Ella, I hear you!
My kids went back last week
second grade and Pre-K
Our son had been in public school for 2 years
the fit was not for us
so we needed to do some looking around
soul and school searching

I would say that the degree of letting go
depends on many factors

Factor 1) Search out the best fit possible
private or public
close to home or a drive
a school where you feel great about the love
and the learning
Factor 2) trust
when you feel you can
hand the control over to the school
and teachers
and say
you are the experts
I know you will do a great job.
then you have the right school
Factor 3) school prep
Depending on where you live and
how many other gay families exist
your child's school may or may not be well versed
in the language of queer family.
meet with the school over the summer
about being a gay family as well as any other concerns
bring books
resources
be open
be honest
be available
be funny
I find when you are out there and open
folks really seems more at ease
this is not a secret or taboo
just a family
don't ask - tell them how to refer to your family
the names you use
daddy papa
gay
multiracial
your child and family deserve to have the right names used
believe me - My daughter has already made a family tree in class
and this is week two!
Factor 4) Child prep
let your child know
if you have not already
that all families are different
and that most families do not have 2 moms or 2 dads
they might get asked questions by other kids
and that's ok
let them know who they can turn to if they need any help
Factor 5) involvement
be involved
once you know you have a school you can trust
you can be involved without micromanaging (clearly my lesson!)
field trips and pta's and bake sales
class parents and library assistants
so often we gay folks we seem to sense other peoples nervousness
and we back off
BE INVOLVED!
Factor 6) FUN!
you love your kid
now
celebrate some time for yourself
let go
watch Ellen
have coffee
and feel assured that they are in a great place
learning wonderful things
and you have 3 hours to breathe

Happy back to school everyone!!

Why do you let your kid wear that? Advice to a Gradma

2007-08-29T18:56:00.000-05:00

My daughter told me about your gay family store and I luckily, I think, found your BLOG. I don't understand why you are making these shirts. These are babies for christ sake. Why do they need to be made into little billboards. Why are you making them be just like you? Or worse, targets. I asked my daughter what I should get her for her shower. She is pregnant. They are having a baby and I love them. She asked for your shirt that says "My mommies Rule". I can't do it. Can you help me understand why this is so important to her? Mom of a lesbian.

Dear Mom of a lesbian - let me try to explain:
We are not making clothing that offends OR endangers
ALL of our designs - we hope-
are funny, light and can be worn to daycare, preschool and soccer practice
We made this line of gay baby clothing
because there was nothing
8 years ago that fit
our family
and we deserve to be proud of our family and feel connected
Like your daughter does
"my mom and dad went to Orlando and brought me this T..."
just doesn't fit you see
The world is a heterosexual place
and we are the minority
we wanted a light and humorous place
for our kids and extended family
to feel empowered
safe
have a giggle

Your daughter, I assume
wants the same for her soon to be
a way to belong
connect
and sure
make a statement
but a positive loving one
Nothing wrong with saying
I have a solid family that loves me!
and if some cool queer duds do this
then yay
life just got a bit more fun

I think the point here is to lighten up
I find that when I hide who I am, folks seem nervous and jumpy
but when it's right out there
and there is no secret or questioning
and no one is thinking - oh geez what do I say...
what do I call them
How to I refer to her...
everyone seems to just relax

I know this is not
what you were expecting to receive on your daughter's baby shower want list
but lets face it
although a lesbian baby shower is still a baby shower
it's clearly also got a new spin

So try to have fun with it
and have no fear
your daughter is happy, pregnant and about to create a miracle
she and her partner will rule
Let them show it!

Top 10 Gay and lesbian baby shower gifts:

What to expect the first year - for any and every parent!
baby belly casting kit - Proud body
gay baby gear - "I was hatched by two chicks" or "My mommies rule" Onesie
A week long vacation with R Family Vacations
Ergo baby carrier
Wooden toys - Melissa and Doug
homeopathic teething gel
money - we are still human!
gift cards to baby gap and pottery barn kids
anything organic - food or clothing!

Have fun.
I am always here to help you shop!
How about a gaybyshower basket?

gay adoption agencies - advice

2007-08-22T20:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: My sister and her partner are in the process of trying to adopt domestically. They got some bad news today that the agency they have been working with has a new director who is not as open to placing children with "non-traditional families". She is heartbroken. I am trying to do some research about other agencies that are open to placing children with gay parents. Do you have any leads, advice? Thanks very much. Beth

Dear Beth: You rock. Love the support from families!!

There are many agencies that "work" with gay families.
There are many agencies that do this secretly
and others overtly
some are Proud to have us
others seem to do this with bile in their throats
Some states are openly supportive - not too many
Some states outright ban it
So here is what I know:
Friends in adoption (FIA) in Vermont and
the Independent Adoption Center (many offices)
are the biggest and most supportive that I know of
I have only worked personally with FIA
and I know they pour their hearts and souls into each case
each!
Gay straight single married old young
same same same to them

That being said.
I live in a VERY cool state
we went with FIA - in Vermont
another very cool state
we were out out out
Our son's call came from Louisiana
a way uncool state (for this kinda stuff)
thus the rub
complications came up
homestudy needed to be rewritten
stress, time, stress

So here is what I think:
ask questions upfront
get referrals from friends
never promise anything you can't live with
when folks are desperate for a child they promise crazy things
visitation
specific religious practices
names....
not to be out...
You must feel comfortable
this WILL BE stressful so you need to feel cared for and loved
if not - move on to the next agency on your list

do not settle
do not compromise
do not allow yourself to be bullied.
and then call FIA and the International Adoption Center and see if they know of a place
near you.

A child is out there - needing your sister as a mom

Gay adoption (noun) a happy festive event where a child joins a loving and amazingly hip two mom or two dad or single gay mum or papa house. Much love and giggles ensue.
Gay Adoption (alt def) a much misunderstood and amazingly threatening subculture which actively scares the shit out of many conservatives and most Republicans.

Lady Kenmore

2007-08-20T12:05:00.000-05:00

We bought a house
in a small town
with safe streets and playgrounds
We researched
we worried
close enough to work
to our son's ballet school
to their new school
to civilization
The house is perfect
small
enough room for us all
no major issues that taste,
IKEA and paint can't resolve
Looks a bit Brady but I can live with it
cute yard
walkable to a swimming lake
playground
ice cream shop
even a place to visit horses and pet goats
close enough to Target and Wholefoods too
But my heart is racing
Even though it's still Massachusetts
How will we be received
After all of this time
protests, activism, being OUT OUT OUT
I still worry
about the gay thing
about having a black son
a bi-racial daughter
a wife
in a small town
We deserve this town
My kids deserve to feel safe
My wife deserves peace
I know it's hip
I saw organic drinks at the pizza shop
a bulletin board had ads for Yoga and crunchy kid activities
but I worry
Difference is amazing
Difference is scary
Difference is empowering and freeing
and difference is hard
it will be wonderful
And my heart will pound
until we settle
until I settle
until I we land
and remember
that inherently
people are good

In the kitchen
the original dishwasher still lives
"Lady Kenmore" it reads
we laughed
Perfect don't you think?
somethings are just a sign
peace will come

Is my child having a gender issue? Advice to a worried family

2007-08-09T19:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: I was not sure who could help me. I am so freaked out. I am a straight mom (with a husband and three daughters - and one son - hope I can post here). My son, who is 10, keeps telling me he does not want to have a penis. He pee's sitting down and seems extremely quiet. My husband is devastated and does not want me to talk about it. What does this all mean? Is he gay? Does he want to be a girl? What should I do? -Patricia

Dear Patricia,

Of course you can post here! I am so glad you found us! All are welcome!

Okay - so here is what I think.

Many things might be happening here

or nothing at all

1) In a house of 3 sisters and a mom

even with a dad

your son might just want to be like you and your daughters

a compliment

I am sure you are all his heroes

2) Lets face it

most men really do not speak much

about sexuality

their anatomy

or share their feelings about these things - even with their sons

maybe he needs some hearts to hearts with dad about loving himself

and what guys are all about

3) Around this age

the penis begins to act up

saluting when you least want it

odd dreams and feelings

Clearly I am no expert

but I am sure it is quite embarrassing

and hard to control

Maybe a big embarrassing moment took place?

Boys in the locker room

or a first encounter

an erection at the chalk board?

4) Maybe he is have some gender questioning

but clearly you are a loving mom

if he is - talk to him

make sure dad listens and supports too

Find some great books, a therapist - for you guys to sort out your thoughts

has this been a long term issue or just this week?

I'd love to hear more

5) best news - he is telling you how he feels

so clearly you are in

and he trusts you

so talk to him

gay straight

boy girl

rich poor

lawyer or juggler

Monopoly

2007-07-25T13:41:00.000-05:00

Life moves in strange ways sometimes

He was my play pen brother
best friend
ever since we were three
inseparable as kids
we played Monopoly
for 8 hours
every Saturday
made up our own rules
wrote them in pen
no one could follow
we loved, we argued we laughed and giggled
played practical jokes and skipped Hebrew school together
Kids.
we played scientist in his mothers kitchen
he told me his crushes
we went sledding and buried treasure
that is probably still there
under the big tree
across from his boyhood home
pennies and cigarettes in a tin box
our big find and our secrets
when I came out to him he hugged me and laughed
I figured he said
nothing changed
at 18 we went off into the world
separated by life as sometimes happens

He seemed to stay alone
loving animals and photographs more than people
occasionally we would write
a few holidays
but always in my mind
always my brother

My mother called me on Sunday
peter died
allergic reaction to bee stings
so weird
this gentle man
who just loved me
and harmed no one
even after all of the years
years of infrequent contact
I feel like I have lost my twin
Family is what come naturally
Family is what feels like home
Its not blood or lineage
it's time and memory and laughter
someday
an archaeologist
will dig up that tin
and ponder the connection between all of those copper pennies and cigarettes

To you man
the best monopoly player I ever met
May the next life be sweeter
and by the way
while we all sat Shiva
at my mothers house
looking grim and full of prayer
I heard you laughing
cackling really at all of the religion
and seriousness
I know you would have hated it
in your own way I know you were squishing whoopee cushions and singing
I am free
I am free

to you

gonna miss ya

R Family Vacations 7/7/7

2007-07-06T08:07:00.000-05:00

It's that time again

Rosie cruise #5

we are truly blessed

to have a week full of love

full of equality

where borders and lines are never drawn

where all children are wanted

spouses love unconditionally

and children's laughter is the music

boys can wear pink without worry

and magic is real and around every corner

hope to see you all there

happy summer

white black brown - same same same

2007-07-06T07:45:00.000-05:00

I took Zion to an audition
he wants to be famous
so we got him an agent.
we get calls
go for auditions
where he shines.

sometimes I can see the look
other parents
questioning our relationship
approving or damming
unsure and uncomfortable with difference
butchy woman
white
tall slender beautiful African young man
is this his foster mother?
guardian agent friend?

As I walked into the "green room"
another mom
unusual looking - like Iman
modelish
tall
very dark skin
nervous about her surroundings
first audition for her son
She held a baby on her lap
beautiful
maybe white, maybe Asian
big curls and no teeth
all cheeks

The mom looked at me shyly
she didn't even see us
didn't notice our difference
she said "no one ever thinks she's mine"
in her own world
prepared for judgement
as I always am
"my husband is Asian"
I laughed I smiled
no one ever thinks he's mine either

sameness
level
understanding
amazing moment

In the room of coffee and carbs
where the moms wait
she glanced at Z's pictures
she saw an image of my daughter
biracial
crazy hair
a knockout

Having black children
I am often given advice
usually unsolicited
from women of color
about my kids hair and skin
I am hyper aware of my duties
it gets my hackles up
it happens often
Like a beacon of bad parenting
or judgement

But in this moment
she asked me
for hair care advice for her daughter
she was nervous to ask
she was at a loss for what to do
a moment in time
amazing for me
amazing for her

white black brown
same same same

Gay parents and traditonal roles

2007-07-02T11:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: My partner Doug and I are having a baby, a son!!! Our surrogate is five months pregnant and we are so excited. But the closer we get, the more anxiety I am having. What if he wants to play baseball and dig up worms? What if he loves to talk football? I guess I am traditional in they way some gay men are. I love old movies and baking and making our home pretty. I have so much love to give him, but what if he wants or needs someone more butch. Someone who can actually throw a football? Help I am totally freaking out. Love the blog... From sissy dad...

Dear Sissy Dad. Fear not. What you child needs is love
I am not the butchest game in town
but kids in a store ask their parents if I am a boy
I own not one dress
not one pair of heels
no makeup

When our daughter was born
something stirred in me
I called my wife from Toys R US
"honey, I am buying barrettes, should I question my sexuality?"

As my daughter has grown
she is now 4
she has become a fashion expert
Today she needed to find the perfect ensemble of purple and green
even matching undies
to match her dinosaur
she boldly tells us that we are
Not Fancy!
she tells us that our shoes do not match what we are wearing
and that she will ONLY wear dresses
PINK!
and she loves us more than lie itself

My parents
never understood me
my mother wanted me girly from the first minute
sent me to modeling school to learn to walk like a girl
and bought me dresses - a lot!
that never worked
could never feel good or right or like love

Here is what I know
a child needs unconditional love
When my daughter wants to play dress up - I join her completely
when she wants a manicure, I do my best
messy but cute
we dance, we sing
and I am totally in love
and so is she

and your son will love you
For the first few years, anything you do will amaze him
even throwing a ball, catching a bug, or playing with mud
he will think you are an expert!
As time goes on, you will let him become the expert
and he will love to teach you
truly
no need to worry
all will be well
I promise!

I will let her do my hair (when it's long enough to play with)
I will play dolls and draw butterflies
all to make her smile
You will play football too, if that is what he loves
and over time he will love that he is better than you at it
they need that too.

But kids love 10 million things
My daughter also loves bike riding
and camping
and drag queens and baseball

There is room and time for everything and you will be brilliant at it
because you have love

congrats!!

Is your biological clock ringing? Advice to people who want to know the "right time".

2007-06-28T14:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: When is the best time to have a baby? I've been with my partner for seven years and I'm the female in the relationship. My girlfriend is older than me and wants a child NOW, but she not willing to carry the child for nine months and I'm still in school. (She is eight years older then I) We have a donor already, but I don't know when is the best time. Should I wait until I graduate or should I have my baby before I graduate? I do want to have a child, but not sure when and my partner thinks she is getting old.

My easy answer is this:

There is no such thing as "the right time"

You will never have

at one time

the right house, with the picket fence

and enough money

and enough time

and perfect weight

ideal health care

the perfect job and

the best school system.

If you wait for ALL of those factors

you will probably never have a baby.

That said. A few things are important.

Just because she is unwilling to carry a child, does not mean you HAVE to.

The are many ways to create a family

getting pregnant is only one.

In my case, I tried for 2 years

and never got pregnant

nothing like that is for sure

And I do need to say for the record.

You are BOTH the females in the relationship

the roles you choose are yours to choose

but biology is biology

if she wants a baby so badly that she cannot wait

and does not want to adopt

let her get pregnant!

BOTH of your needs and wants matter

you do it next time when you are done with school.

As I see it age matters little

My wife is 6 years younger and infinitely more mature on most levels

So here are my factors:

1) You must truly be in love and stable

2) Trust your instincts

If you feel that being a mom during school is too hard

then that is extremely important

whether pregnancy or adoption

both are emotionally and in most cases physically taxing

hard to study and throw up at the same time

3) The decision is about 3 people and what is best for ALL of you as a unit

4) If the answer does not come easily, it's probably not time.

5) Taking a leap of faith is okay.

A child is a magical and uncontrollable force. You need to be ready for the roller coaster ride of your life. Beginning the process is just stepping into the seat. If you are ready to be flexible and go for that ride. Then it's time.

I'd love to hear what you decide.

Good luck!

Stacey

What is a family - Advice

2007-06-04T12:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms,

My parents, in no uncertain terms, HATE that I am gay. They refused to attend my wedding and now that we are pregnant, I know will not be involved as grandparents. I hate this. My happy = they are sad and angry. I cannot win. What can I do? From Alone.

Dear Alone. You are not alone. In my life - family is what you create.

This is some of my family. My partner, my son and daughter (neither biologically from me) my best friend since 16, her husband and their son Sky, who is their cousin.

For many years I felt I walked alone
Even when my “family” was there
My parents always seemed to want me different
Tried to change me
Send me away, to get helpinterveneinterfere
But really
It was to make meJust like them
And less like me

When I found happiness and love
Away from them
They were not happy for me
Like you, they did not attend my wedding 13 years ago
In fact, they left the country for a trip
Although not much later,
They were willing to fly to another country, for a friends wedding
- interesting I thought

She is too young for you, said my mother
Once she told a woman – “she will be with a man next”
But truly she was the least of my worries, my father far worse,
on many levels
As time went on and our love grew
We learned to be a family differently from the restBetter I think
Different in that we do not argue or scream
I do not ask her to change
And I love her unconditionally
When our children came
we shared that love and teaching with them
We chose grandparents, aunts and uncles
Godparents and friends
Who also love them unconditionally
And our family of love I feel is now bursting
And amazing

To be fair
My mother
Who I never thought would evolve
Has truly evolved
She is a great grandma
And three years ago
When marriage became legal here she came,
with flowers and asked us to kiss for a picture
She has consistently been there ever since
But so have the scars of the past
And honestly
My father
Is completely unchanged
And darkAnd I have let that struggle goAnd you may too

Sometimes it is not what we lack
It is what we create that fulfills
I do not compare us to other families,
We are different
And stronger I feel

Do I morn the traditional parents?
Of course
Do I hate the past?
Of course
Do I rage?
At timesDo I cry when there are few to help with the kids?Few birthday cards?Few people to visit?SometimesAm I jealous?Occasionally
Do I hate?
Less and less
But would ever trade my happiness
for any false family or half loveNEVER.
Your family is how you love and with whom you love
Focus on the blessings, it sounds like there are many
Allow yourself to morn
be proud
Change for no one
And teach that amazing baby
to love

Daughters preferred?

2007-05-28T08:16:00.001-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: Do you know of a way to ensure that we conceive a daughter? As lesbians, as women, we really feel prepared to raise a girl. And we are not really sure we are open to a boy. Okay, in truth we really do not want a man in our lives. We don't really understand them on many levels. Any advice? Grace and Cory

Okay Ladies here it is: No
But no on several levels

I understand the question
you are women who love women
you have moments of "I really don't get it" with men
Maybe you are a separatist
Maybe you dislike men
Maybe you just really don't like the idea of having a boy around you
Maybe you knew you were a dyke
from the minute you were born
and have actually never seen a penis in person

But parenting gives no absolutes
there are no black and white answers or guarantees
in fact the opposite is true

If your daughter grows up and is straight
she may marry a man
She may sleep with men
she may have 3 sons for you to cherish and love
she may be a Republican
marry out of your religion
marry someone of another race
not marry at all
she may be homophobic
you just don't know

In parenting you will never have full control
the only rule
is that to be a parent
you must be ready to love fully
no matter what comes
health issues
behavior
choices
you must love unconditionally

My son,
is a gift
I truly think he may turn out to be Alex P. Keaton
but I will love him fiercely

And let me just say this
I am a woman who loves a woman
a big dyke too
and I accept
that without men
there would be no world
To make your daughter you need to buy the sperm
that comes from men
and take that into your wife

To love a child
you must love completely
and let go of all else.

I understand the fear of difference
But when you get pregnant, your control is over.

In answer to your question:
I do not know of a
100% guaranteed way
to only conceive a daughter
There are many avenues people have tried
some work more than others
and I know you probably have
already researched
when during ovulation to inseminate
what position to be in
which sperm are faster...

But that is not what I feel matters
be ready to love your child completely
and then your child will come to you
But please wait, until you are ready
to fully love
no matter what

peace

Who should get pregnant first? Advice to queer moms to be. Who can't decide...

2007-05-21T08:24:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Mom Stacey. My partner and I are ready!! We want to get pregnant, we have picked the donor, picked the OB, and picked the birthing program (so gay we are!) but we cannot decide who should get pregnant first. How did you all decide? Please help us!!! Sue and Cheyenne - mommies to be. Once we decide!

I just loved this question, I mean really, when the time feels right - and you both want it, who wouldn't want to be pregnant?

Well.. many actually. But for those of you who do here is my advice.

But first, a story:
About 8 years ago, while waiting for my Bar results to come in the mail
my partner (who does this to me often) says to me,
honey, lets get pregnant now. We are ready
She is a Pisces, a go with the flow girl
I am a Taurus, need I say more?
I always know she is right - I always need a minute to get there.
Once I could speak again my first question was
"which one of us should do it?"
we always knew we wanted kids, some by birth and also by adoption

This is what it came down to for us:
I was older (still am, by 6 years)
I had a job with AC and an elevator.
Done. That was it. end of story. decision made. I just love us.

Okay that was the easy part.
hindsight really is 20/20
so this is what happened next and what you should learn from.

For whatever reason that we and doctors could never figure out, I could not get pregnant.
months and months of fertility drugs, weight gain, and "you thought PMS was bad?"
looking back I think it was truly divine goddess intervention - but I digress

My partner on the other hand,
got pregnant the first time we went to the MD
5 days later was nauseous, and we knew

Real factors to consider in deciding who should get pregnant first:
1) Who can really handle having the sperm in them?
2) Who is really good with nausea, being uncomfortable, bloated, and awesome at working out and losing weight after?
3) Who is flexible with plans? Really able to change course at a moments notice. But sticks to a plan at the same time?
4) Who is super tough? Not "butch tough" but more - alias, tomb raider, cagney and lacey tough?

I truly think those are the only factors that matter and here is why.
And this is the honest truth.

1) Sperm was hard for me. No offense to men, but it was hard enough paying for it, just the thought of it in me made me nauseous. You want to embrace this as a loving process, when you are trying to convince yourself this is a chemical and not millions of tiny fish - it's hard to be open and lovingly maternal.

2) I suck at being sick. I am a wimp. I like chicken soup, don't like to be alone and although I don't whine, I am not sure I am a great patient either. Imagine that for 9 months plus an episiotomy!

3) As previously stated, I am a Taurus. Change is not my forte. Our birth plan was to have Jessie have the epidural. Our own doctor, family around... Peaceful. Baby came too fast. Need I say more... No doctor, no drugs, no family.

4) I have handled tattoos, broken ribs and a cracked collar bone. I'm a soft-butch. I skateboarded though my adolescence, rock-climb, kick box. But seeing what Jessie went through in her hours of labor. Honestly I don't think I could have done it - and I almost didn't make it through it in one piece - really! Embarrassing as it is - I almost passed out. Jessie loves telling that part.

So that's my advice. You both seem ready to be moms. You will be amazing! and really, it does not matter where the baby comes from, either of you, adoption, a surrogate. Your love will make this family.

But when it comes to the final choice.

Remember:
Which ever one of you can best handle the:
sperm, discomfort, constant changes and pain should be the one.

In all honesty we are both truly thankful that it was not me. Really!

Be honest about what you can handle. and which one of you can really do it.

I was wrong wrong wrong. And I am so thankful she did it!
Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Stacey - Evolved Moms

We are back!

2007-05-16T19:01:00.000-05:00

Hello!
We are back from our hiatus.
We have spent the past few months
watching our children grow -
our son becoming a man
our daughter no longer a baby.
amazing really - time.
I have been sorting through hundreds of questions
from parents
like us
like you.
wondering
seeking
unsure and certain
afraid and brave
about parenting
about choices
about raising kids today
in this beautiful and crazy world.
What I have found
reading all of your amazing and insightful questions
is that we all need a place to connect
and share and learn from each other
consistently
and now.

A place where we can be wrong
and laugh at mistakes and empower others
and grow from others' brilliant moments
clarity moments
true hero parent moments.

Hence forth
Every Monday
we will be answering a new set of questions
and hopefully spending the week discussing it
with all of you

Questions from circumcision to peeing standing up
from Barbie to how to have crazy sex while your kids are asleep downstairs
advice and love and insight
we hope to share

please join us

and thank so much for waiting while we restructured things a bit

we look forward to all of your questions and insight

Stacey & Jessie

It’s all in a name – Advice to gay parents

2006-11-16T10:03:00.000-05:00

Over the past few weeks I have received several e-mails
asking for advice on what names gay and lesbian parents should be addressed by
even gay grandmas seem to be getting stuck on this one.
Mama and Mommy
Daddy and Papa
Mom, Ema, Bubby, T-Mom, Daddy Joe or simply Kate
The list goes on and on and on
As gay and lesbian people
We always seem to settle
Happy for what we get even if it is not what we truly desire
our decisions at times fully dictated by the world around us
how will my family relate?
how will the school relate?
will this confuse and cause controversy?
We were the same with words like “friend” - ah the infamous friend
Girlfriend, boyfriend, lover and partner (what are we, in a law firm?)
When domestic partnership began we were all so thrilled
Progress is progress
But separate is not equal
Not by a lot.
So here in the name game I say again
Ask for and demand what you want.
Care not about the confusion or worry of others
I say wife and I say married
I am Mama and she is Mommy
Our son sometimes called us both mom but he has Never been confused.

When he was three we went to a park
A little boy was trying to get his mother's attention
Mama he yelled from his swing. No response
Mama! Again no response
MOMMY!!!! His mom turned to him.
Zion my son looked at me in shock
“How can she be both people in there?”
He was already crystal clear that I am one and she the other

I do not care about the world
Its rules and roles and labels
I do not care about the moral majority's confusion
Our kids are clear on who we are.
When I went last week to get my daughter at nursery school
A teacher yelled out
Torin, your mommy is here
And Torin said, where? As she ran into my arms.
Torin just demanded that her teachers use more care
In addressing her family.
I am Mama – not hard to remember
Grammy and grandma
Grampy and grandpa
Daddy and Papa
All equally valid
All equally understandable
Like marriage.
Other than cultural names with which you feel
A connection and have a history
I encourage you to hold you what you want
I would never want to give the impression that one of us is less of a parent
Less of a grandfather
Less important
So to all of you out there
Wives, husbands
Daddies, papas and mommies to be
Have no fear
Your child will not be confused
And it’s okay for the rest of the world to struggle a little
Don’t you think?

Public School and the pushy lesbian mom

2006-10-23T13:28:00.000-05:00

We are choosing schools for Zion again
funny, as we moved here for the schools
to this town
I worried about diversity
I worried about the queer family thing
I worried about acceptance of a boy
who loves to dance
who has an earring
who knows every musical
I worried about whether they would have the right books
Inclusive
I worried about the other kids
- what were they being taught at home?
Did they play video-games
would they play with war toys
What would they teach him - my son
I worried about academic standards and challenge
I worried and worried and worried
We talked to the town
We talked to the superintendent
We talked to the principal
we met and met
we provided testing
we offered
books, assistance, guidance
We were assured
All would be fine
And then we leaped
We held our breath
We covered our eyes
Zion jumped
Zion trusted
Zion started to fly
Zion started to fall
Zion crashed
Crashed and burned
Became silent
The school was moderately diverse,
Although he was one of the few African american kids who actually lives in the town
Zion didn't care about that at all
The school has a great mission
supporting diversity
Zion was fine with that
The school has one other gay family
Zion didn't care what kinds of families there were
And many adopted families
Zion didn't notice
Some multiracial families
Zion wasn't worried
he loves all
The school is safe in terms of all of these things
The school loves him
But the school has failed him
The school was unwilling to challenge him
Having clearly never met a boy
So clever
And this got Zion's attention
Zion cared about this
Zion came home crying
Every day
Asking why he must find the capital A
When he reads chapter books
Why must he count the five pennies in a nickel for homework?
Day after day
What is wrong with him he wondered?
When at home he is doing multiplication and learning about gravity
and john lennon and civil rights
kicking my ass at chess...
The school does not see this
They see a boy who is doing what his peers are doing
and maybe less
And that is enough
For them
meets their standards
And every day
My dancer wilts
his light fades
as he waits for teachers to inspire him
The way his dancing teachers do
the way his books do
the way discussing the world and politics and freedom does
I worried
I worried
As mothers worry
And nothing phased my boy
Except the one thing the school was supposed to do
Teach him
Today we begin to look for a new school
again

Presence Matters - A small town family outing

2006-09-10T18:48:00.000-05:00

Saturday, like many saturdays
we took our small company
our family to a festival
pitched a tent and set up shop
we do many of these weekends
Pride festivals around the country
I find them exhilarating and empowering
I love to meet all of the families
and those who want to become families
50% selling
50% educating about how to make families and sharing resources
100% amazing fulfilling - best job in the world
this saturday
unlike all of the others
we did our first small town show
a straight event, I guess
it was local and cheap and well, why not
suddenly we were the only
the different
new territory you know?
Nerves came up at first
how would we be received?
I barely have the words to tell you
how much the world has changed
the gay and lesbian folks there thrilled at our presence and felt validated
but it was all of the others that amazed me
they laughed and cheered
said "it's about time" and "how are you finding it here?"
They said, even thought I am straight please help me find something to buy,
I believe in this,
and thank you.
some weird bridge has now been built
I didn't even see a ravine
I was not aware of the gap
It was like all of this support was out there wanting
to find an avenue in
to stand by us
I thought we were going to do a small show
a saturday
make some cash
for the holidays
play in the sun
but in the end
I became so much more rich
than I could have imagined
Sometimes in leaving our comfort zones
is where we find safety

Back to school - first grade

2006-09-01T19:08:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid
My mother brought me to
CVS or the five-and-10
I got folders and pencils
Pencil boxes and a new lunch box
TONS of clothing –
probably in pink and with flowers
A new haircut with hairspray
barrettes with ribbons I do clearly recall
I don’t remember knowing the teachers name ahead of time
I don’t remember visiting the school
I don’t remember any parents being involved
30 years ago

My son is starting first grade
We scoured the universe looking for a school
The right school
Where he would continue to blossom
Where he would not be the only
Son of a two mom family
African-American
Adopted
Brilliant
Ballet loving
Child
Where teacher would tell him it’s okay to want to be on Broadway
encourage his love and fascination with Senator Kerry
allow him to be proud of his gifts and not really notice the differences

I still bought a new lunch box
(although he is usually to chatty to eat)
I still bought new clothing
(although he loves his – mostly from a skate boarding shop or the rugged bear outlet)
He got a new haircut
(a low fade with skin and no part) Amazing new language
We have spoken to the head of school
The teachers and I am sure
We will be involved in every way we can
And in every way we need to be
And in every way we are needed

My baby is going to first grade
The world has changed in 30 years
I am so thankful
I can now try to make it safe for him
I am thankful to those who came before me
I hope I can help to keep the road paved for those who will come next
Good luck as school starts
We are all educators
Are we not?
but now they
will change the world
for us

Lesbian baby shower advice

2006-08-22T21:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Evolved Moms: My partner is expecting our first baby and I am planning the shower. I have never been to a baby shower and I am pretty sure that this is the first ever lesbian baby shower to ever happen in this part of Idaho. So we are pretty stuck. Do we invite only women and play it traditional? Where would I even find queer baby party favors? Can you help me out?? XOXO Too butch to know better.

Dear Butch: Never fear.
and congrats on the impending little tyke.

A lesbian baby shower, for one, is just a party - so relax. The best part of all of this is that you have already broken just about every rule there is to get this far in your life - and probably a few extra rules and laws I don't know about just from Idaho! You met a girl, shacked up, committed and are having a kid. So don't worry too much about the rules.

Must haves:

Everyone you love regardless of gender.
Way too much food to eat
A few silly games (hanging a crystal by a string over the prego belly to gender, etc)
We suggest some kind of memory book. We left out on a table tones of colorful index cards and glue and glitter and markers with a sign asking for everyone to write their best wishes to the baby - our son just loves to read the now - so cool!
Leave out a dozen white onesies with fabric paints and ask your friends to make some cool designs on abay clothing
can't forget a cute "my mommies rule" or "I was hatched by two chicks" or perhaps a lesbian maternity T shirt? (small me plug)
In terms of favors - any iparty would have some cute pink or blue babies to spread around the house - or on the cake - a few traditional items are fine.
I also suggest doing a bellycast - so cool for after the baby comes. Proud Body is a great place to get a good kit.
Music - try some Shawn Colvin or Joan Armatrading in the background.

I could go on and on. Look, all you need for a great queer baby shower is love, food and great music. Whether you are having a welcoming for an adopted child or a gay baby shower all gifts should come from your heart. Follow your heart, have a great time, don't follow the rules and send us some pics!

I love when the gay people breed!

Congtatz again!

Advice - Best ways to get a lesbian pregnant

2006-08-08T12:54:00.000-05:00

I was sent an e-mail from a lesbian in Australia.
she wanted suggestions for boosting her chances of getting pregnant.

I just love my life - a lesbian being asked for advice on getting pregnant. Brilliant!

Okay - I actually tried for two years to get pregnant,
with significant medical intervention
to no avail
To this day I am convinced that my soon-to-be-born (adopted) son was cosmically standing on my fallopian tubes
denying entry to all sperm trespassers
for the second we quit trying, we got the call that he was born

My partner tried once and 5 days later was nauseous at my cooking
it was only broccoli!
But pregnant she was

So what did we learn from this?
Here is my best advice:

Get your body healthy - but don't go nuts
Open your mind and body to it
Many dykes - like me - could never even say the word SPERM
If you are not open to it I am convinced it will not stick
If sperm yucks you out - ask your GYN to do it
if you're totally grossed out you probably won't do a good job of it
- and she may just charge you for an office visit, ours did!
Follow your body - if you are stressed, have been trying for too many months, feeling unsure - take a month or two off
IMPORTANT - don't tell anyone, except your girl if you have one, that you are trying
Nothing causes stress more than parents and friends checking in each month
If you already told them - lie and say you are taking a hiatus (lying bad - stress worse!)
Breathe
Fresh is supposed to work better - frozen is safer
If you are going to conceive, you will - I'd go with safer every time
Anonymous vs. known is the same as simple vs. complicated with lots of shades of gray
- go with what will work for you today and 27 years from now (friends don't always last and many things change when the babies arrive) my 2 cents.
Drink Raspberry leaf tea (really!)
MOST IMPORTANT - and I learned this from my doctor so it has to be true
Just after the sperm is inserted, a humongous life-altering
orgasms really helps the little swimmers along - TRUE
No baths too hot - but do soak to relax
Don't stop using your body. Pregnancy does not equal fragile and you need to be healthy and active the whole time,
unless your MD says no
Be open to any gender and temperment and welcome the baby in your heart and mind
And then just breathe again
The child that is meant to come - will

Lastly - if pregnancy does not come easily.
Cherish your body before you decide to use medical intervention. It can work, but is harsh.
A dyke with PMS is bad, on fertility drugs - look out!
The right child will come and can come in many forms.
it's the first step in knowing that the child is really the one in charge.
Good luck!

Rfamily Bliss

2006-07-26T16:33:00.000-05:00

A week in Alaska
all kinds of families
heaven
no bias
no rules
no ceiling
our kids
so connected
perfect pair of sibs
no blood shared between them
no one would ever guess

a boat of created families
multi-racial, adopted, married, committed, partnered
birthed, donored and surrogated
more bound than any I have seen
Genetics clearly mean nothing
I am so thankful for this bliss

real mother

2006-06-12T13:55:00.000-05:00

I held him when he was 5 hours old
changed his first meconium poop
panicked at his first real injury - a hand caught in a treadmill (he was okay)
I have answered the call to every nightmare, recital, practice, tear and need
I have napped with, been napped upon, been up all night, been yelled at, and bear hugged
I have been blessed, loved, inspired by and fallen in love
with this boy
my son

last night
he said to me
as we were talking before bed
Are you my real mother?
a girl at school, who is also African American
told him I could not be - as I am white
and that his "real mother" could have kept him - if she wanted to

I knew the day would come
we have been very honest and open
yet still I dreaded hearing those words
wishing I could have been there and protected or moderated the moment
Yes baby - mommy and mama are your real mothers
You also have a birth mother
but a mother does not need to be called "real"
A mother loves you everyday, good or bad, and is there for all - everyday- forever

I waited for the next question. He looked like it was going to be a big one
one of the ones I have feared
Like why did she, or am I not good enough...
He looked at me so seriously and asked
what did the plane look like on your trip to get me?

All my worries.
All he needed was one question answered.
I am sure many more will come in time
and I will answer them all honestly

Today at school he walked up to his friend
I stood next to him and smiled at her
she is only 6
and not adopted - I know it is confusing
"real moms aren't the ones who give birth to you - they are ones that love you everyday"
he told her and then said to me
"I feel better mama"

Can you get more real than that?
what a blessing
I have been given

boys don't dance

2006-06-05T08:42:00.000-05:00

Last night
as my son was going to bed
he told my wife that he no longer wanted to dance
Dancing has always been his love
his light
his freedom.
A boy a school
has been teasing him, bullying him
boys don't dance.
Do you want to dance she asked him?
Yes. Defiant. Unequivocal. Absolute.
I love it. I am going to be famous. I am going to be Simba.
I am a choreographer already mommy!

I told him when he awoke -eyes already serious with the memory of the teasing
That many people say things
out of ignorance - even grown ups say stupid things
Bush tells us that we should not be married
- but if we listened we would not be a family
some people say that people of different races should not live together, love together
-but then we would not have this amazing love - more powerful than most

Follow your heart I tell him
Do what you love, I am here

How do I protect him?
I can teach confidence - but the world tries to take it away
I can teach faith, Karma, believe, pride
But what do the other parents teach to their children?

I went to his school today
wanting to scream at this child, I wanted to break him
this child who hurt my child
but in truth, it is his parents who are at fault.

They are just creating another another brick in the chain of hate. Growing the seems of ignorance from the root up. at my son's expense.

Zion had one playdate with him - last week
When my partner arrived The parents were smoking cigarettes in the room with the children
Supervising them playing with "toy" machine guns simply clueless

What more can I do?
From now on, playdates are at our house
From now on I ask more questions
more then I ever thought I would have to

Zion - you will fly
keep on dreaming
we love you
and we will always be in the front row!

Advice - in the closet with children

2006-04-29T19:32:00.000-05:00

Sheri wrote to me this week from Kansas.
"My girl and I have been together for 7 years. We are raising the child I was pregnant with when we met. No one knows we are more than roommates. My daughter, our daughter, is asking questions. Lots of them. I don't want to tell her. Scared. Help."

Sheri, your daughter knows
your friends know
your neighbors know
your family knows
Free yourself
free your burden
teach your daughter to love herself
and be proud of herself
through your honesty and bravery
How will she learn true pride
when her moms
who adore her
are hiding?
I promise you this
you are not alone
we are here for you
and thousands of others
just like you
probably many right in your town
you will not be alone in this
it just takes one first step
be brave
hold your partner's hand
smile
and speak the truth
we are here

Massachusetts

2006-04-12T13:09:00.000-05:00

We moved from Massachusetts 3 years ago this month
to a tree lined street
1 mile from the beach
amazing school system
1 hour to new york city
to give our son and soon-to-be born daughter
a better life.
less graffiti
open spaces
freedom from the city.
we are two well educated women
we are activists
we have fought for change
from the second I realized that a closet existed I have fought to destroy it.
how naive could we have been
we moved almost three years ago this month
to what I thought would be a utopia
and now
after two-and-half-years
of closed minded comments
ignorance
burdens on our children to explain
their family
their race
their difference
we are home again
In mssachusetts.
Massachusetts
Puritan country
where families seem to fall over themselves to welcome us
call my partner my wife
without any modeling
or prompting from me
where there are so many multiracial
queer, single, women, daddy headed household's
that we blend in.
Who knew I needed that
How could I not know I needed that
How could we have taken this place
these laws
this time for granted?
and now
we are home
and I and am thankful so very thankful.
today
at the doctors office
my son went on and on to a fellow patients mom
about how he beat his Mama 4 times in chess
and his Mommy 5 times
and she did not blink
she did not miss it
she did not stumble
here, in Massachusetts
to live
you must get it
how amazing to be home again!

"All Aboard!"

2006-04-01T13:54:00.000-05:00

Last weekend
we journeyed to New York
to see the premiere of
"All Aboard -
Rosie's Family Cruise"
My son,
P. Diddy Jr.
no fear, no inhibition
completely at home with the papparazzi
he cried throughout the film
happy tears mama
and then big sad ones too - he does not miss the hate and oppression that exist in this world
my small man of five

He told the press that he is inviting president bush on the next cruise
so he can learn to love "two mommies"

I have said it before
this cruise is a miracle
the first oasis in america
where freedom truly reigns
please watch this film

HBO March 6th 8:00

and then show it to your family
your co-workers
mention it to your neighbors
the man at the newspaper stand
the family at daycare
the people on the bus
they cannot help but learn
grow
and celebrate
there is no downside with love

Butch Mom

2006-03-20T14:33:00.000-05:00

I have
two tattoos
short messy hair
docs
torn jeans
worn out melissa tapes
even older sex pistol ones
I like camping
and don't mind sweat, in fact I love it
I don't see myself as domestic
I don't see myself driving a volvo
or darning socks
there is no june cleaver here
and I detest pink, in all of it's forms
when my son was born my mother said
"it is probably good that you have a son"
meaning
not a daughter.
My fairy princess arrived 3 years ago today
and I will tell you this
I would do anything
to make her dreams come true
even make a 4 foot
pink dragonfly cake
and buy pink wings
and wave a magic wand
I would do anything
for her

The donor options - Advice to a California couple

2006-03-01T23:17:00.000-05:00

I always knew I wanted to have kids -
and being a dyke was certainly no barrier in my mind.
When Jessie and I began walking down the road, we decided to try to get pregnant first and later adopt a child as well. The donor selection process was the most bizzare experience on so many levels.

A wonderful lesbian couple from California wrote to us recently to ask for advice in the donor insemenation process. They are thinking of using a relative - her partner's brother(who is very cool with the idea and very gay savvy) - but they want to be more educated about the process. They really want to hear from others about their experiences.

One thing I will say is that folks are pretty hush-hush when it comes to sharing about their donor choices. Regardless of which direction you go there are so many factors to look at. I will share with you our thoughts and I hope it sheds some light for you. I encourage all of you to jump right in and help these ladies find a great path to make their family grow. If you have used a relative as a donor, please write in and help these two decide what will work for them.

At first we thought we would use one of our best friends - a very cool guy - sweet and loving. But as time grew nearer I began to worry that he would be unable to not be involved. He was so caring and loyal that I thought it would tear him apart to see his birth child grow up and not have the active father role. I couldn't do that to him and I wanted our child to have two parents - not three.

I worried about the law - but that part is pretty tidy as long as you use a good lawyer.

I worried about health issues and what was inherited. Also, to be honost, no matter how much we trusted this guy - how could I know who he had slept with the night before? It just didn't feel safe to me. We could have had his little fishies frozen - but by then I had too many worries.

In the end we chose to enter into an anonymous donor proess. So once you pick a bank -
and that was process enough -
you get this book in the mail
broken down by race.
I guess I always pictured my baby looking like me - a short, jewishy, caucasian person.
but when I recieved the book
suddenly it felt like I was begining to experiment in eugenics.
how could I look at my future child and tell him that I chose white sperm over black?
Because I am white or just because did not feel right to us
The whole process seemed so strange
to be honest it was hard enough
paying $288 plus shipping for a vial of stuff
thay many college students are just leaving around anywhere they can

In the end we went race neutral
screened out any major inheritable diseases
any major weirdos (like the one who said "I love violent martial arts" or " I would be the most beautiful biological donor ever!")
and really just went for health and an overall good vibe
to be honest, we also asked for their attractiveness rating -
didn't want a hugely ugly donor, you know

We also found we did not want to create any falsehoods -
some people like to use a blond donor because they are blond
but really it's just a false impression of resemblace
good for some - not for us

My advice - go for what feels good for you
in your life
on all factors
Comfort now and in 18 years
Comfort now and for when you explain this to your child
Comfort with the safety of the process and health of the child

Many people have guilt when choosing a donor or adopting
especially lesbains - I am not going to wager a guess why
We have guilt for asking for a healthy child
when screening out potential issues or asking for all relevant medical and sexual history
We have guilt for wanting an infant when so many older children exist in this world
Guilt Guilt Gullt

This is your child
demand answers
and make choices
based ONLY
on what works
for yourself and your partner.

Hope this helps a bit
please comment in for these ladies okay?
Can't wait to see pictures of your soon-to-be baby
Good luck!

Duct Tape - Advice to a parent-to-be in New Hampshire

2006-02-23T16:40:00.000-05:00

I found as a lesbian in this world that I was forever trying to duct tape myself
to my partner
to keep some semblance of legal stability
in this republican, back-woods, repressed legal world
One strip – health care proxy
One strip – will
One strip – intentions
One strip – home ownership, bank accounts, car...
“SEE, WE ARE A COUPLE! WE PAY FOR CABLE TOGETHER!"

Out of fear we started purchasing the tape –
What if one of us is ill and the law will not recognize her words, her thoughts or actions on my behalf
When my partner birthed our daughter Torin, we were living in NJ
If I were a man, even an unmarried man
And she birthed my child
My name would be written with power on that birth certificate,
almost by demand

Torin’s was half empty

Fear
I had no legal rights to this child
Sure we picked the sperm together, paid for it
I got to push the tube and let the little swimmers start their journey
We cried together when the little purple line became two
I held her for 9 months of puking, sciatica, sleepiness, grumpiness, nesting and worry
I drove to the hospital and walked with her through the contractions
Doing everything I could do to make her happy
Almost fainted once – but held it together
And held our daughter when she arrived –
She peed on me right away and I knew it was love
Love – but not law

Mama-to-be from New Hampshire wrote for advice
What can I tell you, sister? It’s so hard.
Her partner is about to deliver, she cannot be on the birth certificate
The have love, they chose this together. how many straight families, or single women
find themselves pregnant without planning or choosing – and not wanting?
Just know that gay and lesbian people NEVER have a child by accident.

No lawyer will take her case
Gay activist organizations are passing her around
The most beautiful moment of her life – her son’s birth
She feels it is marred
She is angry
She feels alone in this fight

I will tell you first to breathe – nothing can spoil the beauty of this moment
Nor diminish the bravery and love that brought you to his birth
Then look at history
Slavery, apartheid, suffrage, the holocaust – they are very close in time
Breathe
And then I will also just tell you to be angry – you have every right to be

So how do you fix this?
Sometimes activism just sucks.
Sometimes you don’t ask to be an activist
The reality is that your presence in this fight changes the world.
By the definition of your family – you are not silent
If you can handle more – call those lawyers
If you need a referral, I have a great one for you
Change does happen
Change will occur
By living this life, you show your son how proud of this family you are
Was it yesterday that interracial marriage was illegal,
gay bars raided,
“domestic partner” unheard of?

Today – be in bliss with your family
Tomorrow, rage against the powers that be
Unfortunately, fortunately
You are not alone
We are all feeling this and are here for you

You are already buying your duct tape
I can hear the pieces being ripped off
holding you all together
keep you as safe and as bound as you can be in such times

I’m sorry I can’t do more
But if the law in Massachusetts makes you feel safer and feels right to you
Do it!
It's better than tape
and lasts infinitely longer!

Dreaming of Summer...

2006-02-21T20:50:00.000-05:00

Two days ago it was 6o degrees in Boston.
today it was 31.
now I am lost dreaming and pining for summer.

At our house
as soon as the temperature begins to rise
the anticipation begins - even in fickle Boston where you never know, even when summer arrives - if winter is truly gone for good.

I have never been a fancy vacationer
no four-star hotels, no room-service, rarely reservations are made...

When we met 13 years ago we spent 6 weeks driving cross-country in August, camping out in all of the national parks and anywhere else we could find. Romance at it's best! Occasional B&B's over the years. With kids we have stayed at small hotels and beached the sunlight hours away or camped in the mountains of New Hampshire.

Even our annual Family-Week in P-town each year has been pretty low-key. Small place and lots of sun. Cooking our own meals and being together. Tons of ice cream and drag-shows and friends. Annual tattoos for the moms and henna ones for the kiddos. Torin always demands a Winnie the Pooh one! Zion a unicorn or Celtic design. "No needles ones for us, mama! "

I never knew something was lacking on these trips
It was not the being spoiled
It was not the room-service
It was not the chocolate on the pillow
or the sheets being turned down
It was not the location
and clearly not the company

Three years ago we ventured onto the R Family Vacations cruise. Kelli and Rosie O'Donnell's vacation company - really not something in our nature - but it just called out to us,
pulling us in.

What attracted me so much to this -
enough to pull me out of my Taurean sameness - ok stubborness - track,
was the mission
Kelli and Gregg - the founders - wanted this cruise to be....
for gay families and all those who love and support them.
Not a cruise for lesbian moms, or a single dads' event, or even a floating political rally - as many gay events can become.
and definitely not a cruisy cruise (if you know what I mean)
nothing separatist here.
A vacation full of love and fun for all who love "our families"
what a relief!

Words could never be enough...
1200 rooms
straight grandparents, multiracial families, so many daddies and their adopted, surrogated, birthed and fostered children. Siblings embracing. Straight and gay teenagers. Friends and family. Together. Straight women who came because they knew they would be accepted. Performers from all walks of life - gay, straight, white, black, funny, serious, even a professional football-playing opera singer!

It was like meeting the family you always wish you had, you know? and all of these people became our family.
truly
and everywhere we looked were tears - mostly from the relief of finally finding such a place!

For us we also found home. A floating world without bias. Zion could wear a kilt if he wished, sing karaoke, watch Broadway singers and dream his dreams. We could dance all night long without care, spend our time with hundreds of families who worked as hard as we did just to create their families - never taking their little ones for ganted - ever, and as the days went by the power seemed to grow and grow and grow until it filled us all completely.

And the defensiveness, protectiveness, and worries of difference that we all carry on our shoulders every day - consciously or not - just began to break off and float away.

I truly think we all left that ship carrying a bit less tolerance for those who "tolerate us" in the world. We all left with a bit more adamance at what the world should be for ourselves and our children.

They succeeded in creating a world where all people, straight, gay, married, old, single, young, in transition, exploring, adopted, birthed, tattooed, straight-laced, suburban, rural, city, jewish, pagan, christian, and atheist - all lived, danced in silly costumes, sang at the top of our lungs in pseudo-harmony, loved, and ate way too much food - together!

They proved it can be done! I notice now we all seem to demand it a bit more of our "land-based" world.

32 degrees projected for tomorrow
four months to go
four months
can't wait

Your Day - Advice to a Worried Texan

2006-02-19T17:16:00.000-05:00

This situation kills me first – then just pisses me off!

“Wanting Understanding” wrote to us from Texas.
They are ready to get married but her father not only refuses to walk her down the aisle – but even to attend. “How do I get him to realize how important this is to us?” she writes.

When people discuss wanting a child, I often tell them this:
This child of someday
Is a person
And before you dream your dream
Before you buy the crib or booties or toys or mini-Harley
Remember this
Someday this little person
may choose another path than yours
another religion, or educational path or career
maybe they will marry someone of a different race, or choose to not have a children
maybe they will be single forever, or gay or a T or unsure for their lives
maybe even a republican or, dare I say, an NRA card-holder
or maybe they will choose to be nothing, offer nothing and drift though life
but your job as their parent
is to love them
and to love them fiercely
to assist in guiding their choices and support the ones they make – forever, and without strings
I am sure one of mine will be "Alex P. Keaton” for a time – Zion already would prefer ties to jeans, and Torin, no matter how hard I refuse to make the purchase, just wants to be a princess and have a Barbie
But, luckily, Zion does, too!
As long as neither gets Barbie's anorexia or horrid self-image or dainty un-sports-able ankles
I’ll be fine

Your wedding day
the happiest day of your life
is yours forever
Having someone there who truly does not bless it in his heart
may just really taint your day
your day
your day
say it
“My Day”
This is your dream, your life
your love to share
And all those who witness are blessed to do so
and all those who miss out
have missed witnessing a blessing and a miracle
and that is punishment enough

I urge you to be open and love fiercely
To shout out to the world through all of your guests that you accept no less than this perfect love and in fact
You demand the world take note
Your day is real
Your day
is yours
Being invited was a true gift on your part to someone
who has failed in his job
Maybe someday he will come around
many do
and maybe it will be awesome on that day
But this day is yours

Jessie and I wore no shoes
Eleven months after we met we were married
before the law recognized
A Pagan, Unitarian, Native-American ceremony
That was what we wanted
on our day
Many came and blessed us
some did not
Many blessed later – much later
some have not
But our day was truly unmarred
because we made it
Our day

Blessings for your day!

PBS

2006-02-17T11:41:00.000-05:00

today,
as my wife was saying goodbye and heading out to work
during a very loving, sensual - bordering on getting very interesting
kiss goodbye
right as my world began to melt away
into her
our son ran up to us
smashing into us with a hearty, fond morning hug
wanting to also give love
"I've been PBS'ed," I say to her
good feeling gone
sweet boy - bad timing
ahh parenting

Zion for President – Have Faith

2006-02-15T18:52:00.000-05:00

The New Jersey Supreme Court met today to decide the fate of our friends’ marital status. Now the true wait begins, after years and years of courts and lawyers – this is their moment. How do you wait for something like that? Wait to see if you are legally whole? Counted, validated, seen by this country’s laws. Our friends are solid people – nothing will break them, but surely this process has to cost you some sanity? Just the bare essence of the question – will we be treated the same? It’s insane just to utter the words, really.

Feels like the adoption process to me. I remember that knot-in-the-stomach rollercoaster ride. Like somehow this blessing that so easily comes to others is put entirely in the hands of strangers. Strangers who can decide or not decide to make you a family, and judge you on their terms.

We got an email yesterday asking for advice – from someone like us many years ago. Terrified of the adoption process. How will we be judged? How can we wait? Which road to choose? She asked us about our path with trans-racial adoption and openness.

After two years of fertility drugs
Needles in my ass
Singing Suzanne Vega to focus as the oil based drugs slowly stung their way in
My brilliant soulmate and (then not legal) wife said
Enough
We always knew we wanted a birth baby and an adopted baby – one option went first
And failed.
Stuck in the crazy Clomid cycle, I could not get out and she rescued me.
Why risk your body and our sanity when so many little ones right here need a home?
That was it. We just let it all go and moved forward.
We found a queer-friendly agency, signed up and were told to wait.
Nine months they said – kinda funny.
Like the New Jersey plaintiffs wait – on eggshells - not knowing - questioning wardrobe and language and history
Four months later the phone rang – “a woman is in labor who picked you – get on a plane right now”
Eleven hours later – we had a son.
A miracle
Smushy crying and amazing.
But what of the fear?
I feared the birth family
I feared the state laws
I feared judgments of multi-racial critics
I feared homophobia
I feared losing him
I feared everything
And then we walked into that hospital room
Two little short white girls in the south of this country
In the bayou
And I met my hero
and she took all of my fear away
My son’s birth-mom – was thanking me – was loving us – was teaching us mothering tips and traditions
When she was giving the most important thing in her life to me, to make me a family
She was thanking us
And my fear was gone
We all needed each other
We all became kindred sisters on that day
She asked if I would ever bring him to see her
would he know her?
And the truth was so easy – whatever he wants is what we will do
And peace settled in for all three of us women
Sometimes you have to have faith in the stranger
The ones with the power
The ones who we fear most
The ones who are different
Most often will do the right things

My son’s birth family is African-American Southern Baptist
Knowing we were lesbians they chose us
How is this possible, you ask?
So did we
Her answer floored me
Our religion told us not to judge
We prayed and found you were good people

That was all they needed
Sometimes you just have to have faith

Zion was in the backseat of the car today reading a kids’ book about the Constitution – He told me that at his old school all of the kids wrote and signed a school constitution.
Did everyone abide by it?
“Not really – almost never,” he said.
Sometimes it’s the same with grown-ups buddy, I told him. I hope you change the world. I look at him with his chipped pink nail polish, snowy boots and mussed hair grinning ear to ear.
“I am going to be the first black president. And I will never sit in the back of the bus, I will vote for Kerry and I will not be narrow-minded! And mama, I will change the world!

While we all wait for the court to decide, let’s have faith too.

Evolved Moms Blog Begins!

2006-02-11T16:08:00.000-05:00

So our Blog begins - on the first full day of the Olympics, how very lesbian, I think! Our aim is to create a space for lesbian and gay fellow parents, fellow want-to-be parents, fellow like-minded folks, to be, to comment, to share, to seek advice when lost, and definitely to laugh.

I am sitting on the couch with Zion - my oldest - five "and-three-quarters" he lets me know. Time flies. We are watching the women's USA Ice Hockey team take the ice. Brutal chick strength. Lesbian parenting at its best. Watching this power team crash and speed around, it amazes me that there are no professional women baseball players. How can that be? How long have women even been "allowed" to play ice hockey in the Olympics? When will the first pair of ice-dancing men take the ice?

We just scored again! Zion is screaming "Go USA!" Do you think many heterosexual dads watch women's ice hockey with their sons? I dunno.

This week the highest court in New Jersey is deciding if our good friends - and several other gay and lesbian couples - have the "right to marry". I sit here in Massachusetts, married and watching ice hockey as our friends Marcye and Karen wait - nail-biting, hearts pounding, holding their two children - exactly the same age as mine - to see if they can have the same rights as I do as a lesbian in Massachusetts - as all other heterosexuals in the entire country do. And some panel of judges just gets to decide if our love is equal and valid.

How do I explain this to Z? How do I give him faith in a world when I flinch every time the news tickers by: Iraq, kidnapped, bomb, another troop lost, levees unmended. Separate but unequal still reigns in our world.

I urge you not to fall silent.

USA women won six to nothing! Women playing ice hockey at the Olympics...

Then again...look how far we have come. All in time...